Hot news for hot people! Let's have some jokes!
In Olympic news, seven athletes from Cameroon have surreptitiously left the Olympic village, meaning that the country has totally won the Defecting for Economic Reasons event!
The NFL's first female referee said she isn't intimidated by her new role, promising that she can be just as awful as any male referee. Go get 'em!
In economic news, McDonald's blamed the sluggish economy for weak sales last quarter. Also, no toys.
Productivity among U.S. workers rose 1.6% during the 2nd quarter this year, leading to speculation that Facebook must have been down at some point.
Hurricane Ernesto is weakening over southern Mexico, probably due to diarrhea. Wouldn't be the first.
In Louisiana, a charter school is forcing girls to take pregnancy tests, and will ban any pregnant girls from school. This may be illegal, though, considering it violates the "No Fetus Left Behind" Act. Also, why would a school want to expel students who can pass a standardized test?
Gillian Anderson is back on the market, after breaking up with her longtime partner Mark Griffiths, and somehow I just got a boner in the year 2000.
And finally, the latest film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has been pushed back to a summer 2013 release, presumably to add more Channing Tatum and make it 3D.
Carol Channing Tatum. Think about that image.
Okay, that'll do, pig. And by "pig" I mean "the part of my brain that writes jokes." Bye!
Showing posts with label gillian anderson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gillian anderson. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2012
It's late and I'm tired. Here are some jokes.
In Los Angeles, a local little league baseball team returned a donation from a neighborhood strip club. It's not that they didn't appreciate the thought, but it turns out players are actually forbidden from wearing uniforms with nipple tassels. It's a safety issue.
Speaking of nipple tassels, representatives from the Malawi government said they are "fed up" with Madonna. Join the club.
Former X-Files star Gillian Anderson told Out magazine that she has had numerous relationships with women over the years, which proves the theory that if enough nerds wish hard enough, dreams can come true. And by "hard enough" I do mean "with erect penises." And by "dreams" I mean "sex dreams."
Speaking of dreams coming true, KISS rocker Gene Simmons is opening a restaurant chain. Be sure and try the tongue sandwich. But watch out for the ketchup. IT'S BLOOD!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart will soon be offering a "disc-to-digital" cloud service for DVDs sold in their stores, so you can watch Larry the Cable Guy anywhere.
In Atlanta, a Delta Airlines jet suffered serious damage when it rolled off the taxiway this weekend. Or is it just the worst bus service available? Either way, it's still better than United.
DAMN YOU, UNITED!
In Iran, government representatives canceled a planned ceremony to honor Oscar winner Asghar Farhadi, much to the chagrin of Bruce Vilanch and the 45 minutes of shitty jokes he wrote in Farsi.
And finally, former Vice President Richard "Penis" Cheney canceled an upcoming trip to Canada. Seems he just didn't have the heart for it.
There it is. For better or not so better. See you tomorrow.
In Los Angeles, a local little league baseball team returned a donation from a neighborhood strip club. It's not that they didn't appreciate the thought, but it turns out players are actually forbidden from wearing uniforms with nipple tassels. It's a safety issue.
Speaking of nipple tassels, representatives from the Malawi government said they are "fed up" with Madonna. Join the club.
Former X-Files star Gillian Anderson told Out magazine that she has had numerous relationships with women over the years, which proves the theory that if enough nerds wish hard enough, dreams can come true. And by "hard enough" I do mean "with erect penises." And by "dreams" I mean "sex dreams."
Speaking of dreams coming true, KISS rocker Gene Simmons is opening a restaurant chain. Be sure and try the tongue sandwich. But watch out for the ketchup. IT'S BLOOD!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart will soon be offering a "disc-to-digital" cloud service for DVDs sold in their stores, so you can watch Larry the Cable Guy anywhere.
In Atlanta, a Delta Airlines jet suffered serious damage when it rolled off the taxiway this weekend. Or is it just the worst bus service available? Either way, it's still better than United.
DAMN YOU, UNITED!
In Iran, government representatives canceled a planned ceremony to honor Oscar winner Asghar Farhadi, much to the chagrin of Bruce Vilanch and the 45 minutes of shitty jokes he wrote in Farsi.
And finally, former Vice President Richard "Penis" Cheney canceled an upcoming trip to Canada. Seems he just didn't have the heart for it.
There it is. For better or not so better. See you tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)