Over the weekend, Germany instituted stricter border controls to manage the influx of refugees from Austria. They had to bring out the riot police they normally keep in reserve for crowd control at David Hasslehoff concerts.
Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.
Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.
Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.
Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.
Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.
China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.
The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.
And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.
And on with the show.
Showing posts with label nintendo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nintendo. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 31, 2013
Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is trying to push through legislation to rename Mt. McKinley. It probably won't work, but she had to give it a shot.
Clothing store H&M posted lower-than-expected profits due to increased costs and people not wanting to wear crappy clothing.
Chesapeake Energy CEO Aubrey McLendon will step down on April 1, making it a really great April Fool's Joke, but mainly just for Chesapeake shareholders.
Germany just marked the 80th anniversary of Hitler's rise to power. The economy actually saw a small bump of improvement because skyrocketing sales for apology cards. Especially those in Polish and Russian.
Nintendo said that their projected sales for the new Wii U were too optimistic. In other words, they were a wee bit high.
After a "successful" satellite launch by North Korea, South Korea recently stepped up and launched their own satellite. In a related story, Seoul is looking into adding more political prison camps.
A recent study revealed that reading can raise a child's IQ by up to six points, so he'll have a better understanding of the physics behind the wedgies he gets.
And finally, Jim Nabors, AKA "Gomer Pyle, USMC," just married his male partner of 38 years. Nabors would have made it official earlier, but, you know, "don't ask don't tell."
Thanks a lot, Obama.
That's it!
Clothing store H&M posted lower-than-expected profits due to increased costs and people not wanting to wear crappy clothing.
Chesapeake Energy CEO Aubrey McLendon will step down on April 1, making it a really great April Fool's Joke, but mainly just for Chesapeake shareholders.
Germany just marked the 80th anniversary of Hitler's rise to power. The economy actually saw a small bump of improvement because skyrocketing sales for apology cards. Especially those in Polish and Russian.
Nintendo said that their projected sales for the new Wii U were too optimistic. In other words, they were a wee bit high.
After a "successful" satellite launch by North Korea, South Korea recently stepped up and launched their own satellite. In a related story, Seoul is looking into adding more political prison camps.
A recent study revealed that reading can raise a child's IQ by up to six points, so he'll have a better understanding of the physics behind the wedgies he gets.
And finally, Jim Nabors, AKA "Gomer Pyle, USMC," just married his male partner of 38 years. Nabors would have made it official earlier, but, you know, "don't ask don't tell."
Thanks a lot, Obama.
That's it!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 25, 2012
Bad news for Egypt, as the unemployment rate is skyrocketing. But don't worry, Romney has a secret plan.
Nintendo slashed its profit forecast for the year, as there have been way fewer coin-filled bricks than expected.
Game company Zynga made massive staff cuts recently, and that's why now hundreds of programmers have taken to the streets with signs saying "will annoy the crap out of you online for food."
Bobby Brown was arrested for DUI recently because he was driving. Said Brown, "my one mistake was forgetting that I'm Bobby Brown."
Warren Buffett says the U.S. economy is improving. Jimmy Buffett says that things are dire in Margaritaville, but that, of course, it's his own damn fault.
A medical study found that people are more likely to do CPR in affluent neighborhoods than poor neighborhoods, mainly because poor people taste bad.
And lastly, NFL referees will be officiating with pink penalty flags for breast cancer awareness. Although referees being aware of anything would be an improvement.
Zing!
Nintendo slashed its profit forecast for the year, as there have been way fewer coin-filled bricks than expected.
Game company Zynga made massive staff cuts recently, and that's why now hundreds of programmers have taken to the streets with signs saying "will annoy the crap out of you online for food."
Bobby Brown was arrested for DUI recently because he was driving. Said Brown, "my one mistake was forgetting that I'm Bobby Brown."
Warren Buffett says the U.S. economy is improving. Jimmy Buffett says that things are dire in Margaritaville, but that, of course, it's his own damn fault.
A medical study found that people are more likely to do CPR in affluent neighborhoods than poor neighborhoods, mainly because poor people taste bad.
And lastly, NFL referees will be officiating with pink penalty flags for breast cancer awareness. Although referees being aware of anything would be an improvement.
Zing!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2011
Good Monday to you all! This is going to be a great week. Possibly the greatest week. I've got nothing at all to back that up, other that my own misplaced optimism. That, and a fancy new pair of contact lenses. That's all you need, right? Oh, and jokes. Obviously you need jokes. Good thing I have some!
In medical freak-out news, a woman in Oregon woke up from dental surgery with a brand new European accent. The woman was clearly shocked, as she had neither been to Europe, nor had she been married to Guy Ritchie.
Keeping up with musical news, country music superstar Trace Adkins lost his home this weekend, as it burned to the ground before his eyes. On the plus side, though, there goes his writers' block.
In Malaysia, so-called "obedient wives" clubs are forming around the country to offer support and guidance to the country's wives. The clubs are emphasizing the importance of good sex in the marriage, going so far as to say that good sex is a wife's duty. And nothing in this world is as sexy as someone's duty. Oh, yeah. That is one sexy obligation...
Big news for robots this week, as a German robot was revealed to the press playing pool and hustling human players. This is a great breakthrough for scientists, who have previously been unable to create a robot that could develop a gambling addiction. Next, they're working on a machine that can shoot up methadone.
In other technological news, the miracle plane that landed safely in the Hudson river is on the move again, this time heading to a museum. No word if the geese will be going along, too.
The state of Alabama announced it will begin a severe crackdown on illegal immigrants in the state, which seems like an odd choice to me. Illegal immigrants are the only people who you can point to and say, "these people *WANT* to be Alabama! See, it can't be all bad!"
In other American news, wildfires in Arizona are threatening communities around the state. They haven't been blamed on illegal immigrants yet, but just wait. Jan Brewer will find a way to send these fires back to Mexico, where they belong!
And lastly, Nintendo announced their online player network had been hacked, just like PS3 network last month, but for half the price of the PS3 attack and with more intuitive user interface.
Don't know if I should have ended on such a nerdy note. Oh well, we'll have all week to get cool again. Keep coming back, keep telling your friends, and keep having a great day!
In medical freak-out news, a woman in Oregon woke up from dental surgery with a brand new European accent. The woman was clearly shocked, as she had neither been to Europe, nor had she been married to Guy Ritchie.
Keeping up with musical news, country music superstar Trace Adkins lost his home this weekend, as it burned to the ground before his eyes. On the plus side, though, there goes his writers' block.
In Malaysia, so-called "obedient wives" clubs are forming around the country to offer support and guidance to the country's wives. The clubs are emphasizing the importance of good sex in the marriage, going so far as to say that good sex is a wife's duty. And nothing in this world is as sexy as someone's duty. Oh, yeah. That is one sexy obligation...
Big news for robots this week, as a German robot was revealed to the press playing pool and hustling human players. This is a great breakthrough for scientists, who have previously been unable to create a robot that could develop a gambling addiction. Next, they're working on a machine that can shoot up methadone.
In other technological news, the miracle plane that landed safely in the Hudson river is on the move again, this time heading to a museum. No word if the geese will be going along, too.
The state of Alabama announced it will begin a severe crackdown on illegal immigrants in the state, which seems like an odd choice to me. Illegal immigrants are the only people who you can point to and say, "these people *WANT* to be Alabama! See, it can't be all bad!"
In other American news, wildfires in Arizona are threatening communities around the state. They haven't been blamed on illegal immigrants yet, but just wait. Jan Brewer will find a way to send these fires back to Mexico, where they belong!
And lastly, Nintendo announced their online player network had been hacked, just like PS3 network last month, but for half the price of the PS3 attack and with more intuitive user interface.
Don't know if I should have ended on such a nerdy note. Oh well, we'll have all week to get cool again. Keep coming back, keep telling your friends, and keep having a great day!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - February 27, 2011
What a week it's been... for Charlie Sheen. No, a lot of stuff happened this week-- just most of it happended to Charlie Sheen. In fact, Gaddafi has been glued to his TV screen, trying to keep up with all the Sheen news. Let's see...
Charlie Sheen has a new girlfriend. How does that happen? I think you have to use the opposite of whatever Eharmony is. There’s no algorithm to help you find someone compatible with you-- just mug shots that you rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being most likely to ruin your life. There’s also news that Charlie Sheen has spent 790 thousand dollars on cars for porn stars in the last month. That’s 790 thousand dollars more than anyone has spent on porn since the internet was invented.
The Nintendo 3DS went on sale in Japan this week. The Nintendo 3DS allows you to play in 3-D without wearing 3-D glasses. The 3-D experience means it’s like you can see things coming at you while you play-- everything except light poles, newspaper boxes, and other people on the sidewalk.
The Discovery took off for its last flight this this week. According to NASA, they’re going to “really open it up this time and see what that baby can do.”
In other space news, a massive solar storm erupted on the Sun this weekend, ruining no one’s travel plans. Well, almost no one. The guys on Discovery aren’t going to be able to put the top down on this flight.
The Oscars are tonight, which means ten hours of red carpet coverage before the show. I think they should give those reporters who’ve been covering the turmoil in the mid-east a break, let them handle the red carpet, and send the entertainment journalist back to Libya and Tunisia. I can see it now. “... And what are you wearing?” “A TOURNIQUET!”
Don't forget to come back all week for Seth and Spencer's monologues!
Charlie Sheen has a new girlfriend. How does that happen? I think you have to use the opposite of whatever Eharmony is. There’s no algorithm to help you find someone compatible with you-- just mug shots that you rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being most likely to ruin your life. There’s also news that Charlie Sheen has spent 790 thousand dollars on cars for porn stars in the last month. That’s 790 thousand dollars more than anyone has spent on porn since the internet was invented.
The Nintendo 3DS went on sale in Japan this week. The Nintendo 3DS allows you to play in 3-D without wearing 3-D glasses. The 3-D experience means it’s like you can see things coming at you while you play-- everything except light poles, newspaper boxes, and other people on the sidewalk.
The Discovery took off for its last flight this this week. According to NASA, they’re going to “really open it up this time and see what that baby can do.”
In other space news, a massive solar storm erupted on the Sun this weekend, ruining no one’s travel plans. Well, almost no one. The guys on Discovery aren’t going to be able to put the top down on this flight.
The Oscars are tonight, which means ten hours of red carpet coverage before the show. I think they should give those reporters who’ve been covering the turmoil in the mid-east a break, let them handle the red carpet, and send the entertainment journalist back to Libya and Tunisia. I can see it now. “... And what are you wearing?” “A TOURNIQUET!”
Don't forget to come back all week for Seth and Spencer's monologues!
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