Greetings, fair travelers. Prithee, halt thine surfing of yonder webbe and partake in the repast of joviality collected herein to amuse and delight the humours of the minde! Oh, man, that's awful. Can you just pretend you read a nice introductory paragraph? I'll do better tomorrow. By Zeus' gleaming taile, I fhalle!
Sinead O'Connor just got divorced for the fourth time, after only 18 days of marriage. Let's see... pop star, bald-headed, lots of divorces. It's official. Britney Spears is America's Sinead O'Connor.
In other entertainment news, this year's Oscar ballots went out in the mail yesterday! And who says the Academy is out of touch?
Speaking of out of touch, Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson announced he will not seek reelection next year. In the last three years he's been able to torpedo unemployment aid, foreclosure and finance reforms as well as the public healthcare option. Said the Senator, "there's really nothing else for me to do for America, unless we can start bringing poor people into the Senate Chambers so I can physically kick them in the stomachs. No? That's not happening? Oh, that's too bad." He then sat down on a sick puppy and killed it.
A burglar in Pittsburgh was arrested recently after he posted pictures of his loot on Facebook. Police found the photos in his album, "I'm a Dumbass."
President Obama's job approval rating is higher than it's been since July, which is a strong indication that America has collectively decided to just get drunk this holiday season.
New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees set the single-season passing record last night. Tim Tebow still holds the single-season prayer record.
Egypt's courts outlawed the practice of conducting mandatory virginity tests on female detainees on the grounds that IT IS INSANE!
And finally, a Colorado man returned $10,000 he found at a Las Vegas airport to its rightful owner because he wanted to teach his kids about right and wrong. When asked for comment, his daughter said, "yep, that's great. Way better than Disney World."
And that's it. We wille be back anon. Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label pittsburgh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pittsburgh. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 6, 2011
Did you all hear about what happened on DWTS? What's that? You don't even know what DWTS is? Well, we're going to get along just fine. How about enjoying these hand-crafted jokes?
Abstinence advocate Bristol Palin earned $262,500 last year working for abstinence-only organizations, making her one of the highest-paid sex workers in the country. Also, her message to kids was: "don't have sex, or your life might get ruined like mine."
Christopher Nolan will be filming the third Batman film in Pittsburgh, as it is the only city dark and hopeless enough provide the proper backdrop. Good work, Chamber of Commerce! Director Nolan has also asked that M. Night Shyamalan leave the state for the duration of filming "just in case."
In Las Vegas, former rocker and bloated spandex-proponent Vince Neil is facing two misdemeanor charges stemming from a fight with an ex-girlfriend. When asked for comment, Mr. Neil said "What do I care about misdemeanors? I once killed a guy! Bring it on!" He then offered to sign anyone's boobs.
In other music news, Liam Gallagher's new band, Beady Eye, released a cover of "Across the Universe" to raise money for a Japanese charity, thus cementing their place as best Beatles cover band in the world
Elsewhere in UK music, singer-songwriter Kate Bush finally got permission to use text from James Joyce's Ulysses in a song. She's planning to record the most boring, pointless song you've ever been forced to listen to in college.
In happier news, boxer Laila Ali gave birth to a daughter last week. She's already 3 - 0 with 1 knockout and she's cute as a button.
Actor and media pundit James Franco recently declared "social media is over,"and it was retweeted by hundreds of people within minutes.
And last, cinemas in the UK are planning to show an orchestral concert filmed entirely in 3D in an attempt to ruin any excitement anyone felt for the technology. Up next: an XBOX Kinect game that let's you fold laundry. There's gotta be a better way to get girls to buy games...
And with that, I bid you adieu for Wednesday. Feel free to share this blog via any of the social media buttons below, even though social media is dead, and come see us again tomorrow! In the meantime, have a great day, everybody!
Abstinence advocate Bristol Palin earned $262,500 last year working for abstinence-only organizations, making her one of the highest-paid sex workers in the country. Also, her message to kids was: "don't have sex, or your life might get ruined like mine."
Christopher Nolan will be filming the third Batman film in Pittsburgh, as it is the only city dark and hopeless enough provide the proper backdrop. Good work, Chamber of Commerce! Director Nolan has also asked that M. Night Shyamalan leave the state for the duration of filming "just in case."
In Las Vegas, former rocker and bloated spandex-proponent Vince Neil is facing two misdemeanor charges stemming from a fight with an ex-girlfriend. When asked for comment, Mr. Neil said "What do I care about misdemeanors? I once killed a guy! Bring it on!" He then offered to sign anyone's boobs.
In other music news, Liam Gallagher's new band, Beady Eye, released a cover of "Across the Universe" to raise money for a Japanese charity, thus cementing their place as best Beatles cover band in the world
Elsewhere in UK music, singer-songwriter Kate Bush finally got permission to use text from James Joyce's Ulysses in a song. She's planning to record the most boring, pointless song you've ever been forced to listen to in college.
In happier news, boxer Laila Ali gave birth to a daughter last week. She's already 3 - 0 with 1 knockout and she's cute as a button.
Actor and media pundit James Franco recently declared "social media is over,"and it was retweeted by hundreds of people within minutes.
And last, cinemas in the UK are planning to show an orchestral concert filmed entirely in 3D in an attempt to ruin any excitement anyone felt for the technology. Up next: an XBOX Kinect game that let's you fold laundry. There's gotta be a better way to get girls to buy games...
And with that, I bid you adieu for Wednesday. Feel free to share this blog via any of the social media buttons below, even though social media is dead, and come see us again tomorrow! In the meantime, have a great day, everybody!
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