Well. A little bit has transpired since last I wrote in this blog. It's like we're living in a weird alternate universe, like the place a sci-fi protagonist has to escape from to get back to the "real" reality. It's incredibly surreal, but we now live in a world where the Cubs won the World Series.
Some other shit happened, too, but past is merely prologue and the present is just a prolapse.
Here's some jokes.
In the opening shot of a new North American trade war, Taco Bell announced they will soon be selling beer in Canada. Unfortunately, to get the beer you will have to purchase Taco Bell. Canada was still reeling from the WTO ruling that the sale of Tim Horton's coffee was considered "dumping."
Scientists have created an artificial womb to help premature babies develop after birth. The device was based on research discovered at a defunct lab dedicated to finding new weird-ass places for Michael Jackson to sleep.
Failed CEO Marissa Mayer's stake in failed internet giant Yahoo is now valued at $186 million. But that's nothing compared to the stock options Pres. Trump will cash in when he sells us off.
Fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle announced sales growth this year, and is exploring a new dessert option: Death By Chocolate. It's a departure from their previous after-dinner treat: Wish You Were Dead By Diarrhea.
Pres. Trump is re-evaluating how U.S. national monuments are created and how we can go about adding shitty golf courses to them.
China recently launched it's first domestically built aircraft carrier. The ship is a major coup for the Chinese manufacturing industry, which managed to build the entire thing out of old iPhone 6 parts.
Former Pres. Obama is in hot water with progressives after accepting $400,000 for a private speech to a Wall Street bank. They'd be even more pissed off if they knew that the speech was delivered via an unmanned drone strike.
The U.S. military is installing a "missile defense" system in South Korea in preparation for the upcoming Korean War II. Alan Alda is already at work on the M*A*S*H reboot.
The Trump administration has a record number of vacant positions, which is extremely frustrating for Russian spies.
Ivanka Trump was jeered in Germany for defending her father at a recent public meeting. And this is a nation that is still on board with David Hasselhoff's chest hair and leather shorts.
Pres. Trump is proposing changes to the tax law that would increase the number of deductions people can take. Some people accused Trump of self-dealing, but he will actually be unable to take advantage of the changes as they only apply to people who pay taxes.
Michael Flynn is hoping that Turkish Lira are going to be deductible. Or at least that they'll be accepted in the prison commissary.
/end
Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Monday, May 27, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - May 27, 2013
Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 15, 2012
CEO of Waffle House, Joe W. Rogers, Jr., said that he's been blackmailed over an affair with his maid, and that he's a victim of his own stupidity. That also describes the typical Waffle House patron.
Lance Armstrong's cancer charity dropped his name yesterday, feeling that they'd get a more positive response with their new name: Nut Sacks.
In China, Xi Jingping was named the new leader of the Communist Party. Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.
In other political news, Mitt Romney said that President Obama won by giving "gifts" to voters. And by "gifts" he meant "tax returns."
Also, the GOP challenge to the vote count in Florida was callled off after Mitt Romney formally gave up on the state. Florida gave up on him long ago.
In the CIA/Petraeus affair, a CIA spokesman said there's no indication that sensitive information was leaked by Gen. Petraeus to Paula Broadwell during their affair because the agency had revoked Petraeus' penis' security clearance years ago.
Starbucks is buying tea retailer Teavana for $620million. That price may seem high, but you can reuse the stock like two or three times with fresh water.
And finally, Senate Republicans are threatening to filibuster if Susan Rice is nominated to the State Department. Seems like a solid plan, until she comes back in two years to run for Senate...
That's all, yolks.
Lance Armstrong's cancer charity dropped his name yesterday, feeling that they'd get a more positive response with their new name: Nut Sacks.
In China, Xi Jingping was named the new leader of the Communist Party. Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.
In other political news, Mitt Romney said that President Obama won by giving "gifts" to voters. And by "gifts" he meant "tax returns."
Also, the GOP challenge to the vote count in Florida was callled off after Mitt Romney formally gave up on the state. Florida gave up on him long ago.
In the CIA/Petraeus affair, a CIA spokesman said there's no indication that sensitive information was leaked by Gen. Petraeus to Paula Broadwell during their affair because the agency had revoked Petraeus' penis' security clearance years ago.
Starbucks is buying tea retailer Teavana for $620million. That price may seem high, but you can reuse the stock like two or three times with fresh water.
And finally, Senate Republicans are threatening to filibuster if Susan Rice is nominated to the State Department. Seems like a solid plan, until she comes back in two years to run for Senate...
That's all, yolks.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 6, 2012
Hi all. Rather than normal jokes, I've culled a series of thoughtful bits of political discourse from my Twitter feed. Now go vote (Obama/Biden, that is).
BTW, Romney cares more about his horse than he does about rising sea levels. And he doesn't care about that horse AT ALL.
That awkward moment when Mitt Romney realizes his campaign hats were made in China, but he could have gotten them cheaper from Indonesia.
Did you know the word "Tea" comes from an old Chinese character that roughly translates to "racist a-hole?"
Just think, if the GOP had been a little bit more unhinged, we might have been given the chance to not vote for Donald Trump.
I'll vote for whichever candidate pledges to use taxpayer money to fund the Ayn Rand Institute.
FYI: "The Walking Dead" wouldn't have been so bleak if Rick and company had single-payer healthcare.
I'd like to be a political speechwriter, because I think it would really help to calcify my crippling cynicism.
What if Nate Silver was the guest star on the most cruel episode of "Punk'd" in history?
Florida Gov. Rick Scott taking to the airwaves to "politely ask poor people to stay home tomorrow."
Is it true that bars can't serve alcohol tomorrow? Because that seems unnaturally cruel.
Did you know the word "Tea" comes from an old Chinese character that roughly translates to "racist a-hole?"
Just think, if the GOP had been a little bit more unhinged, we might have been given the chance to not vote for Donald Trump.
I'll vote for whichever candidate pledges to use taxpayer money to fund the Ayn Rand Institute.
FYI: "The Walking Dead" wouldn't have been so bleak if Rick and company had single-payer healthcare.
I'd like to be a political speechwriter, because I think it would really help to calcify my crippling cynicism.
What if Nate Silver was the guest star on the most cruel episode of "Punk'd" in history?
Florida Gov. Rick Scott taking to the airwaves to "politely ask poor people to stay home tomorrow."
Is it true that bars can't serve alcohol tomorrow? Because that seems unnaturally cruel.
Thanks to Ohio voters, we can be sure that LeBron James will never be President.
This just in: if you think the Electoral College is a great idea, fuck you.
Which is more dangerous: skillful malevolence or incompetent goodness? Trick question. The answer is: Florida.
If you can't convince me to vote for your candidate/issue in 140 characters or less, you will never convince me. Also you must hate freedom.
Voter suppression has a great history in America. Remember the Founding Fathers? Yeah, they'd shit a brick if they knew you could vote.
Does the GOP think poor/minority voters won't appreciate how the GOP wants to help? Or just smart enough to see how they're getting boned?
John Husted just issued a decree that voting locations in Ohio will be enforcing "Opposite Day for Black People" tomorrow.
This just in: if you think the Electoral College is a great idea, fuck you.
Which is more dangerous: skillful malevolence or incompetent goodness? Trick question. The answer is: Florida.
If you can't convince me to vote for your candidate/issue in 140 characters or less, you will never convince me. Also you must hate freedom.
Voter suppression has a great history in America. Remember the Founding Fathers? Yeah, they'd shit a brick if they knew you could vote.
Does the GOP think poor/minority voters won't appreciate how the GOP wants to help? Or just smart enough to see how they're getting boned?
John Husted just issued a decree that voting locations in Ohio will be enforcing "Opposite Day for Black People" tomorrow.
I want to know what kind of calculator Nate Silver uses. I bet it's a special TI-85, where all the buttons lean to the left.
Ignorance has its place in politics, for sure. Just like bribery.
Ignorance has its place in politics, for sure. Just like bribery.
Telling everyone to vote is like telling everyone they should be parents. Some people just aren't ready yet. Get informed first.
That's all. Cheers!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - October 22, 2012
Tonight is the third and final Presidential debate. What should you be on the lookout for?
* Flashmob of streakers, led by Vice President Joe Biden.
* Either candidate can win an extra fifty dollars if they manage to say the secret word.
* Bob Schieffer's surprisingly vice-like handshake with each candidate before hand, couple with the admonition that he's "not taking any Lehrer shit."
* Gov. Romney promised to hold off on any lies until after the President falls asleep.
* Neither candidate will be allowed to "Pass" a question, although they will be granted one "phone a friend."
* Neither candidate wants to be the first to suggest that they not talk about gun laws.
* All answers given in the final "Lightning Round" will be legally binding.
And that's it!
See you tomorrow!
* Flashmob of streakers, led by Vice President Joe Biden.
* Either candidate can win an extra fifty dollars if they manage to say the secret word.
* Bob Schieffer's surprisingly vice-like handshake with each candidate before hand, couple with the admonition that he's "not taking any Lehrer shit."
* Gov. Romney promised to hold off on any lies until after the President falls asleep.
* Neither candidate will be allowed to "Pass" a question, although they will be granted one "phone a friend."
* Neither candidate wants to be the first to suggest that they not talk about gun laws.
* All answers given in the final "Lightning Round" will be legally binding.
And that's it!
See you tomorrow!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - July 27, 2012
Happy Friday, people. And 01101000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01111001 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101001 01100100 01100001 01111001 to all my computer friends. Let's laugh it out.
This week, President Obama pledged to do everything in his power to curb gun violence after the Pentagon assured him that drone strikes don't use guns.
Several cases of the flu in Indiana were traced back to pigs at a county fair, leading organizers to close down the ever-popular "make out with a pig" booth. Sad day.
Mitt Romney went to London this week, and proceeded to piss of the city when he called the city unprepared for the Olympics. Yeah, how embarrassing, when you're on the world stage like that and you're just not ready.
Twilight star Kristen Stewart was caught cheating on her costar/boyfriend this week. She tried to deny it, but of course, no one believed her. Because she's a terrible actress.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un got married in a private ceremony, attended only by family, their closest friends and a low-yield nuclear bomb.
The Romney camp denied that an adviser to the campaign said President Obama didn't understand America's "Anglo-Saxon" heritage. They did clarify that all they were trying to say is that President Obama is way more black than most Americans.
A bunch of bears trashed a luxury home in Bearsville, New York, this week. Presumably after a blond chick trashed their place first.
And finally, film star Jeremy Renner said in an interview that he "accidentally" took Viagra on a recent plane trip. It was the hardest trip he ever took.
Yep, going out on a dick joke. Have a great weekend!
This week, President Obama pledged to do everything in his power to curb gun violence after the Pentagon assured him that drone strikes don't use guns.
Several cases of the flu in Indiana were traced back to pigs at a county fair, leading organizers to close down the ever-popular "make out with a pig" booth. Sad day.
Mitt Romney went to London this week, and proceeded to piss of the city when he called the city unprepared for the Olympics. Yeah, how embarrassing, when you're on the world stage like that and you're just not ready.
Twilight star Kristen Stewart was caught cheating on her costar/boyfriend this week. She tried to deny it, but of course, no one believed her. Because she's a terrible actress.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un got married in a private ceremony, attended only by family, their closest friends and a low-yield nuclear bomb.
The Romney camp denied that an adviser to the campaign said President Obama didn't understand America's "Anglo-Saxon" heritage. They did clarify that all they were trying to say is that President Obama is way more black than most Americans.
A bunch of bears trashed a luxury home in Bearsville, New York, this week. Presumably after a blond chick trashed their place first.
And finally, film star Jeremy Renner said in an interview that he "accidentally" took Viagra on a recent plane trip. It was the hardest trip he ever took.
Yep, going out on a dick joke. Have a great weekend!
Monday, June 4, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 5, 2012
Alright, alright. I'll write. It's Tuesday all across America. Very important day in politics. Hope you all had a great breakfast. Yes, the banter is particularly disjointed today. Apologies. All apologies. Smells like Teen Spirit. By Mennen. I really shouldn't try to banter while watching the Thunder play.
Okay, how about some jokes?
Actor and activist Brad Pitt is lending his voice to a radio production of the marriage equality play 8, which is far less depressing than it's prequel Se7en. But both still oddly feature Gwenyth Paltrow's severed head.
In great news for terrible people, word is coming down that soon kids may be able to join Facebook, so they won't have to pretend they're adults anymore. At the same time, creepy old dudes will no longer have to pretend that they're kids pretending to be 14 years old. The Internet is confusing.
In Catholicism news, Sister Margaret Farley was denounced by the Vatican for writing a theological rationale for gay relationships and masturbation. The Vatican said her work "poses grave harm," which means they probably don't understand the mechanics of sex.
In sad news, a Black Bear was euthanized after it ate the remains of a murderer in Canada. Guys, nobody eat that bear. Seriously. Stop the cycle.
Four men were found guilty in Denmark for planning a terror plot against a newspaper for publishing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed. But no one seems to give a shit about all the newspapers in the world that carry The Family Circus.
Economists figured out recently that a victory this November by President Obama will end up costing Mitt Romney $5million in tax increases. A Romney victory, on the other hand, will wind up costing him substantially more.
Because he has to spend a lot of money for votes.
Comedian Bill Maher just bought a stake in the New York Mets baseball team because he really does have a love of good jokes.
And finally, psychologists are working to understand a new mental disorder they're calling the "Truman Show delusion," which makes people think they're living in a counterfeit world, watched by everyone, just like the movie The Truman Show. There's also a lesser known "NBC delusion" that makes people think that no one is watching them, ever.
Whew. Thunder up, my friends.
Okay, how about some jokes?
Actor and activist Brad Pitt is lending his voice to a radio production of the marriage equality play 8, which is far less depressing than it's prequel Se7en. But both still oddly feature Gwenyth Paltrow's severed head.
In great news for terrible people, word is coming down that soon kids may be able to join Facebook, so they won't have to pretend they're adults anymore. At the same time, creepy old dudes will no longer have to pretend that they're kids pretending to be 14 years old. The Internet is confusing.
In Catholicism news, Sister Margaret Farley was denounced by the Vatican for writing a theological rationale for gay relationships and masturbation. The Vatican said her work "poses grave harm," which means they probably don't understand the mechanics of sex.
In sad news, a Black Bear was euthanized after it ate the remains of a murderer in Canada. Guys, nobody eat that bear. Seriously. Stop the cycle.
Four men were found guilty in Denmark for planning a terror plot against a newspaper for publishing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed. But no one seems to give a shit about all the newspapers in the world that carry The Family Circus.
Economists figured out recently that a victory this November by President Obama will end up costing Mitt Romney $5million in tax increases. A Romney victory, on the other hand, will wind up costing him substantially more.
Because he has to spend a lot of money for votes.
Comedian Bill Maher just bought a stake in the New York Mets baseball team because he really does have a love of good jokes.
And finally, psychologists are working to understand a new mental disorder they're calling the "Truman Show delusion," which makes people think they're living in a counterfeit world, watched by everyone, just like the movie The Truman Show. There's also a lesser known "NBC delusion" that makes people think that no one is watching them, ever.
Whew. Thunder up, my friends.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 10, 2011
This is your Thursday. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or not, actually. I really enjoy hearing you all scream at your computers, but I need to get some sleep. So while I do that, enjoy these jokes. Handcrafted with choice barley and hops:
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: A Buffet of Jokes!
How ya doing out there, internets? We've got a great post for you today! Chris Kattan is going to do a line of blow and then appear on Jimmy Fallon. So enjoy that. Did I tell you that I had a bit-part in a Chris Kattan movie he shot in Oklahoma? I did. Perhaps one day I will be as talented as Chris Kattan.
Sketchers' plans to slowly pull back the advertising for their Shape-up style shoe. They decided that to the demographic they are selling to, putting on shoes IS exercise.
In President Obama's address to the nation, he quoted Ronald Reagan. Republicans threw a fit because he used their God's name in vain.
Since Beohner and Obama can't get along, I suggest we give a try to the people that have to get panda's to mate.
In other financial talk, the NFL and the NFL Players Union agreed on a plan that includes a continuation of revenue sharing. The most popular form of Socialism in America at the moment.
For the record, I think Michele Bachmann would be a terrible president. But her husband would be a very elegant first lady.
Speaking of Michele Bachmann, she admitted that she gets terrible migraines. But that is just a trick to make America think she has a brain.
Comic-Con wrapped up last week in San Diego. Which means if you see lots of white people in masks, they are comic book nerds. If you see black people in masks, run.
In a recent Gallop poll, 42% of responders said they would vote for Michele Bachmann. Which means America is not having enough abortions.
U.S. Soccer said Thursday it has fired men's national team coach Bob Bradley. They will also soon be firing all the players and replacing everyone with the U.S. Soccer Women's team. Jog Bras for everyone!
That's it for me. Thank you for reading.
Sketchers' plans to slowly pull back the advertising for their Shape-up style shoe. They decided that to the demographic they are selling to, putting on shoes IS exercise.
In President Obama's address to the nation, he quoted Ronald Reagan. Republicans threw a fit because he used their God's name in vain.
Since Beohner and Obama can't get along, I suggest we give a try to the people that have to get panda's to mate.
In other financial talk, the NFL and the NFL Players Union agreed on a plan that includes a continuation of revenue sharing. The most popular form of Socialism in America at the moment.
For the record, I think Michele Bachmann would be a terrible president. But her husband would be a very elegant first lady.
Speaking of Michele Bachmann, she admitted that she gets terrible migraines. But that is just a trick to make America think she has a brain.
Comic-Con wrapped up last week in San Diego. Which means if you see lots of white people in masks, they are comic book nerds. If you see black people in masks, run.
In a recent Gallop poll, 42% of responders said they would vote for Michele Bachmann. Which means America is not having enough abortions.
U.S. Soccer said Thursday it has fired men's national team coach Bob Bradley. They will also soon be firing all the players and replacing everyone with the U.S. Soccer Women's team. Jog Bras for everyone!
That's it for me. Thank you for reading.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 24, 2011
The White House is having an Easter egg hunt today with 30,000 guests showing up to look for Easter eggs. And of course the Republicans immediately blamed Barack for losing all the eggs. "They were there when he took office!" The Democrats fought back by cutting healthcare and offering to raise taxes a little.
The Pope gave an Easter speech in which he said humanity wasn't an accident. He said "If man were merely a random product of evolution in some place on the margins of the universe, then his life would make no sense or might even be a chance of nature," he said. "But no, reason is there at the beginning: creative, divine reason." To which I counter: Charlie Sheen.
The Russian Space Agency is denying rumors of secret sex experiments in space. They claim there's "no official or unoffical evidence of sexual intercourse in space, and it certainly wasn't awkward the next morning when everyone woke up but refused to discuss the events of the night before."
The Pope gave an Easter speech in which he said humanity wasn't an accident. He said "If man were merely a random product of evolution in some place on the margins of the universe, then his life would make no sense or might even be a chance of nature," he said. "But no, reason is there at the beginning: creative, divine reason." To which I counter: Charlie Sheen.
The Russian Space Agency is denying rumors of secret sex experiments in space. They claim there's "no official or unoffical evidence of sexual intercourse in space, and it certainly wasn't awkward the next morning when everyone woke up but refused to discuss the events of the night before."
Texas governor Rick Perry is asking Texans to pray for rain. That's never going to work. If you've ever been to Texas, you know God gave up on it a long time ago.
Speaking of religion, the King James Bible turns 400 this year. The book has left a lasting legacy. It was the first reboot of an aging franchise. More people have pretended to read that book than any other book in the world.
The Paul Reiser Show was cancelled after just two episodes. Upon hearing that news, Texas Governer Rick Perry said his prayers had been answered.
Come back Monday through Friday for jokes from Seth and Spencer!
Speaking of religion, the King James Bible turns 400 this year. The book has left a lasting legacy. It was the first reboot of an aging franchise. More people have pretended to read that book than any other book in the world.
The Paul Reiser Show was cancelled after just two episodes. Upon hearing that news, Texas Governer Rick Perry said his prayers had been answered.
Come back Monday through Friday for jokes from Seth and Spencer!
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