Zoologists have found that dolphins possess the longest memories in the animal kingdom, which is probably why they quit loaning me money.
In Detroit, auto industry representatives put forward a brave face yesterday, claiming that young people will start buying cars again, even in this economy. They just need to move back in with their parents, first.
Former President George W. Bush underwent heart surgery yesterday to put in a stent. The surgery was a success, and the former First Dude reminded America of the importance of regular checkups. Oh, and of having health insurance so you can get them.
And yesterday Detroit held elections for "Mayor." Election officials are still tallying up the large number of write-in ballots. Leading among them is a strong contender named "Dear God Why Won't Someone Help Us?"
In College Hill, Ohio, a man crashed his car into a gas station and then escaped by hailing a nearby cab. So, authorities are looking for a white suspect.
On an appearance on The Tonight Show this week, President Obama told Jay Leno "there is no domestic spying program." To which Leno replied "I haven't even asked you a question yet..."
Also in Obama news, the President is upset with Russia for granting NSA leaker Edward Snowden temporary asylum in Russia. To make things more unpleasant for Mr. Snowden, the White House has been releasing reports that Snowden is gay. Because Russia really doesn't like gay people.
And finally, Chinese doctors report that the bird flu is now passing between humans for the first time. So, if you've been holding off on making out with a bird, now there's nothing stopping you.
Later!
Showing posts with label george w bush. Show all posts
Showing posts with label george w bush. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 12, 2013
Last week, a man walking his dog on the southern coast of England found a giant chunk of whale vomit on the beach. The rare vomit is actually worth $70,000, and is also a great reminder that whales can’t hold their liquor.
A study found that sitting in traffic in 2011 cost Americans an average of $818, not counting the emotional damage from listening to additional hours of Ryan Seacrest.
In Sweden, authorities have called off a national wolf-cull, after it was discovered that the wolves are key in keeping down the nation’s enormous Grandma population.
People in China are celebrating the arrival of the Year of the Snake with fewer fireworks than previous years, leading many to rename this the “Year of the Wuss Who Is Afraid of Firecrackers.”
A series of self-portraits by former President George W. Bush hit the Internet this week, and many critics were confused by the seemingly abstract paintings until they remembered that he’s physically incapable of seeing himself as the rest of the world does.
Singer Chris Brown wore a white tuxedo to the Grammy’s Sunday, proving many people wrong for saying that he would never be able to get RIhanna’s blood out of the jacket.
Pope Benedict announced his resignation from the Papacy. But don't worry about his financial well being. He's definitely got a golden parachute in his contract. And that would be a actual parachute made of gold.
Also, now that the top spot is open, the members of the College of Cardinals are rushing to update their resumes. And by "update" I mean "touch up the gold leaf on their illuminated transcripts."
And finally, Mountain Dew is introducing a breakfast drink. The marketing slogan? "Mountain Dew in the morning: Your day will only get better."
Fin.
A study found that sitting in traffic in 2011 cost Americans an average of $818, not counting the emotional damage from listening to additional hours of Ryan Seacrest.
In Sweden, authorities have called off a national wolf-cull, after it was discovered that the wolves are key in keeping down the nation’s enormous Grandma population.
People in China are celebrating the arrival of the Year of the Snake with fewer fireworks than previous years, leading many to rename this the “Year of the Wuss Who Is Afraid of Firecrackers.”
A series of self-portraits by former President George W. Bush hit the Internet this week, and many critics were confused by the seemingly abstract paintings until they remembered that he’s physically incapable of seeing himself as the rest of the world does.
Singer Chris Brown wore a white tuxedo to the Grammy’s Sunday, proving many people wrong for saying that he would never be able to get RIhanna’s blood out of the jacket.
Pope Benedict announced his resignation from the Papacy. But don't worry about his financial well being. He's definitely got a golden parachute in his contract. And that would be a actual parachute made of gold.
Also, now that the top spot is open, the members of the College of Cardinals are rushing to update their resumes. And by "update" I mean "touch up the gold leaf on their illuminated transcripts."
And finally, Mountain Dew is introducing a breakfast drink. The marketing slogan? "Mountain Dew in the morning: Your day will only get better."
Fin.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 4, 2012
Welcome back! Hope you had an awesome day off. No banter today, unfortunately. Or fortunately, depending on how you see it.
Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius trashed a fellow competitor after losing the 200 meter race this weekend. He apologized, however, when he realized he'd put his foot in his mouth. Didn't have a leg to stand on? Really stepped in it? Anyway, it's a great reminder that Paralympians can be just as petty as everyone else.
A monster truck at a show in Oregon went out of control and into the stands this weekend, injuring three people who remarked on how real the 3D effects have become.
In the Ivory Coast, universities have reopened for the first time since post-election violence last year. Student government elections are being closely watched, just in case. Also, fraternity hazing seems really bland this year.
A delegate from California was ejected from the Democratic National Convention after passing out drunk in a hotel lobby. He told police later that he was a Congressman, but no one believed a Democratic Congressman would party that hard. Senator, maybe.
The former CEO of Wet Seal filed suit against the company, alleging racism in her dismissal, pointing out that she is the first CEO at the company who was not a seal.
On the eve of the Democratic National Convention, President Obama and the White House press corps toured New Orleans because the George W. Bush Presidential Library doesn't open until next year.
A casino in Minnesota cooked a one-ton cheeseburger this weekend. However, it had mayonnaise, even though they were supposed to use mustard, so the casino ended up having to throw the whole thing out.
Oh, and also, fuck America's hungry.
And finally, polls reveal that the Romney/Ryan campaign has received virtually no post-convention bump. However, the popularity of chairs is soaring.
Alrighty! Let's do this again tomorrow. Maybe with some new jokes.
Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius trashed a fellow competitor after losing the 200 meter race this weekend. He apologized, however, when he realized he'd put his foot in his mouth. Didn't have a leg to stand on? Really stepped in it? Anyway, it's a great reminder that Paralympians can be just as petty as everyone else.
A monster truck at a show in Oregon went out of control and into the stands this weekend, injuring three people who remarked on how real the 3D effects have become.
In the Ivory Coast, universities have reopened for the first time since post-election violence last year. Student government elections are being closely watched, just in case. Also, fraternity hazing seems really bland this year.
A delegate from California was ejected from the Democratic National Convention after passing out drunk in a hotel lobby. He told police later that he was a Congressman, but no one believed a Democratic Congressman would party that hard. Senator, maybe.
The former CEO of Wet Seal filed suit against the company, alleging racism in her dismissal, pointing out that she is the first CEO at the company who was not a seal.
On the eve of the Democratic National Convention, President Obama and the White House press corps toured New Orleans because the George W. Bush Presidential Library doesn't open until next year.
A casino in Minnesota cooked a one-ton cheeseburger this weekend. However, it had mayonnaise, even though they were supposed to use mustard, so the casino ended up having to throw the whole thing out.
Oh, and also, fuck America's hungry.
And finally, polls reveal that the Romney/Ryan campaign has received virtually no post-convention bump. However, the popularity of chairs is soaring.
Alrighty! Let's do this again tomorrow. Maybe with some new jokes.
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