Tuesday Morning Monologue: November 26, 2013

Astronomers said that if the comet designated ISON can survive a trip around the sun, it will put on a brilliant show for us here on Earth, unlike anything seen for a generation. NBC has already pledged to find a way to cancel it.

News out of Geneva today, the deal to limit a Iran's nuclear program fell apart after the Iranian delegation demanded the U.S. build a website to monitor the agreement.

Derek Rose is out for the season after a recent knee injury. He's looking forward to using his new found free time to try and sign up for Obamacare.

Kobe Bryant just signed a deal for $328 million. It was great news for the people who represent him in court.

Fans of Family Guy were outraged this weekend over the death of a beloved character on the show. But they're totally fine with setting the same three jokes over and over for 13 years.

At the Vatican, Vladimir Putin kissed an ancient icon of the Madonna. Unconfirmed reports indicate he may have gone for a standing double. And his shirt was off.

Completely insane weather hit the country just in time for people to have something to awkwardly talk about with their families at Thanksgiving.

A new report indicates that U.S. methane output is 50% higher than previously thought. "That's a bunch of bull shit," said skeptics and supporters.

Cheers!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013

Big Hollywood news this week: The Entourage movie is officially happening! In a related story, God appears to have died.

In England, a woman attempting to purchase a ticket for a flight to Granada ended up flying instead to Grenada. In a related story, Grenada and Granada are not the same place. Who knew?

Electronics giant Samsung vowed to make more mobile telephones that work with their new Gear system. Meanwhile, BlackBerry vowed to make more mobile telephones that work.

Germany has demanded that the NSA stop spying on them, which is unfortunate, because the NSA has just now developed a tolerance for seeing all the weird shit Germany gets up to when they think no one is watching.

In Egypt, a top kung fu athlete had his gold medal stripped after expressing support for ousted Egyptian leader Morsi. Great, so now who's going to be on the Egyptian Wheaties box?

Rapper Chris Brown was arrested in D.C. on felony assault charges because he's run out of new ideas.

Brittany Spears songs are being used to repel pirates at sea, which is also why you never saw pirates in gay bars in the mid-2000s.

And finally, rapper Jay-Z was horrified to learn that the staff at Barney's in New York recently harassed a young African American male, because there is a stereotype that African Americans don't like to spend that much money on ridiculous high-fashion crap. Jay-Z, for his part, is attempting to fight that stereotype by buying up all the crazy shit he can find at overpriced crap-holes like Barney's.

Sponshorships are still available!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 8, 2013

Did I miss anything?

Good news for Greece! Economic analysts predict that Greece is about to end their six-year recession and see some actual economic growth. Thankfully, they've offered to send us some economic ad visors.

Bad stock market news. Futures took a big hit this week when investors started to contemplate the future of the economy.

Beverly Hills 90210 stars Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are reuniting for an ABC Family pilot. It's new ground for both of them, as they'll be playing women in their early twenties.

The Treasury Department just released new $100 bills into circulation. Maybe someday someone will get to see one.

The Turkey Hill ice cream company just issued a recall for three of their flavors because they may contain metal shavings. And they're rethinking the roll-out of their new Strawberries and Broken Glass flavor.

A nine year-old boy was caught stowing away on a flight from Minneapolis to Las Vegas. So, looks like someone won't be eloping after all.

In his last address to stockholders, outgoing Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said the company's best days are ahead of it, making Steve Ballmer the latest person to publicly say that Steve Ballmer sucks.

And finally, three doctors won the Nobel Prize for Medicine this week for their work on explaining how molecules move around within cells. Another Nobel Prize will be be awarded this week for someone who can explain that last sentence.

And that's it.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 24, 2013

Mumford & Sons announced they'll be taking a break from music to get back to their first passions: subsistence farming and drinking moonshine under the stars.

In Thailand, two men are facing prison after taking a picture of pop star Rihanna with an endangered primate. So in the E! True Hollywood Story of Rihanna's life, just so we're all clear, *this* is the moment when someone in her life might have to do hard time.

In Sydney, a Qantas flight was delayed after a single Mandarin Rat Snake was discovered on the plane. Apparently his visa was not in order.

The Volkswagen van is finally being "retired," unlike the people who drive VW vans. They're not retired, they're just hippies.

Sewer operators across the country are spreading the word that flushing hand wipes and paper towels down the toilet will lead to clogs and problems with the sewer systems. So, just as a reminder, the only things that can go down the toilet are waste, toilet paper, and the economy when John Boehner is around.

In Egypt, a high court has suspended all activities of The Muslim Brotherhood, including the new magazine "The Muslim Brotherhood's Highlights for Kids." That thing is full of activities.

The San Francisco 49ers just lost star linebacker Aldon Smith to injuries, perhaps for the rest of the season. A representative from the team said they will just have to find a way to not get to the playoffs without him.

And finally, parents are trying to find ways to break their children's addiction to smartphones, but no one seems to have the answer. It seems pretty obvious, though. Make them get a job and then set up the phone to get work emails. They'll throw that thing in a river ASAP.

That's all. Whatever.

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2013

Rumors are swirling that Research In Motion will be laying off several hundred workers in the coming months. Bad news for the workers, but at least now they won't have to use BlackBerrys.

A woman in China was rescued yesterday after 15 days trapped in an abandoned well. She said it was great to finally have some time to herself.

Financial observers in the UK are concerned that as national central banks age, they could weaken, leading to uncontrolled fluctuations in interest rates. Also, they suspect the banks will develop a bunch of crazy ear hair.

Toyota is moving a plant to Russia to begin making RAV4 SUVs for the Russian market because of the truck's incredible popularity. It could have something to do with the fact that the seats are covered in Yankee blue jeans.

Researchers have found evidence that botox injections into the bladder may help with incontinence. Also, it makes your bladder way sexier.

LinkedIn is mounting a legal challenge to government requests for data, although they've pledged that this will in no way prevent them from sending you a bunch of emails about people you barely know.

Walgreen's will be moving away from providing health insurance for their employees, instead sending them to the new insurance exchanges. At the heart of the issue, according to the company, was their inability to keep up with the insane cost of prescription medications.

And finally, Starbucks is banning weapons from their coffee houses across the country. It's part of their new "don't shoot us" strategy. So now you can feel comfortable ordering an extra shot.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2013

In London, Secretary of State Kerry accidentally blurted out that Syria could avoid a military strike from the U.S. if they would surrender their stockpiles of chemical weapons to the U.N. within one week. A representative from the Assad government was quick to praise the idea, adding "we're almost done with them anyway!"

In a related story, the State Department walked back Kerry's comments, saying the Secretary was not authorized to speak rationally.

In Florida, George Zimmerman was not arrested yesterday after his wife called 911 to report him for threatening her and her father with a gun. Zimmerman was questioned and released without any charges filed. As a result, his wife is now afraid to eat Skittles.

In Boulder, Colorado, a man was arrested for taking a drunken horse ride through town. The horse was under the legal limit, though, so he was released by police at the scene.

PayPal now offers a hands-free way to pay for things in person, using an app on your phone. In other news: DON'T EVER LOSE YOUR PHONE.

Google announced it would add embedded posts and author attribution to its Google+ social network. They will not, however, be adding a reason to use it.

The Neiman Marcus department store chain just sold to a private venture capital firm. I hope they're happy with the purchase, because that store's return policy is a nightmare.

And finally, the Sheriff's Department in Detroit announced the capture of a convict who escaped custody after stabbing a prison guard with a comb. They were never really worried, because if there's one thing the last 20 years have taught us, it's that nobody escapes Detroit.

And that's all!

Monday Morning Monologue - September 9, 2013

A man in Texas thought his friends were pranking him he reached into a beer cooler and pulled out a snake. Turns out it was just hot enough in Texas that a cold-blooded reptile needed to get out of the heat. For his part, the man was a good sport. He said the snake had a full-bodied flavor, but was a bit too hoppy for his taste.

Time Warner announced they would be moving their retired personnel off of the company health plan and instead provide the retirees with vouchers to go purchase health insurance on the open market. First they take CBS off the air and now this. Is there anything Time Warner won't do to dick over old people?

In Moscow, early reports indicate that Sergei Sobyanin, a close ally of Vladimir Putin, is likely to win the mayoral race. Probably because it's too cold to tweet pictures of your dick in Russia. However, a challenger, and vocal critic of Putin, claims he will be able to force a runoff. When Putin was asked for comment he said "'Force?' 'Runoff?' He forgot the words "my car to" and "cliff" in that sentence."

A new Prime Minister is set to take office in Australia. The conservative challenger won in a landslide, meaning that he survived a landslide in order to win the job. They do things differently in Australia.

South Korea is banning Japanese fish from their markets over the continued presence of radiation from the Fukushima power plant. Many South Koreans were upset, as they'd become accustomed to the convenience of self-cooking fish.

A new report came out this weekend that the NSA is able to access almost all smartphone data, which is how they've cornered the market in dick-pics.

Two dick-pic jokes in one day? I regret nothing.

In England, Prince Andrew was recently stopped and challenged by police outside Buckingham Palace (not where Lindsay Buckingham lives) because they didn't recognize him. Police eventually apologized, and to his credit Prince Andrew said he was grateful for the apology. He was also grateful to not be a young black or latino man in New York.

And finally, meteorologists are tracking a new tropical depressing in the Atlantic Ocean. It's over by the UK now, so expect it to get downright suicidal before heading towards America and where it will be calmed by all the Prozac from sewers on the East Coast. Circle of life.

And that's all.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 3, 2013

Word came out that the NSA has been spying on Brazil, and boy have they got their panties in a wad over this. Or, they would if they wore any panties.

London police have arrested two men on suspicion of passing off horsemeat as beef. But the case is largely based on bullshit that turned out to be horseshit.

Building on strikes for a living wage in New York, fast food workers are planning additional strikes in other cities. If nothing else, it seems they've learned the importance of franchising.

Dennis Rodman is back in Pyongyang, because apparently Kim Jong Un realized that he looks more sane with The Worm standing next to him.

Ford Motors just recalled 370,000 cars over faulty protections for the steering system. One thing they can't recall: a time in recent memory when their cars didn't suc.

President Obama called on Congress to authorize military action against Syria over their use of Sarin gas. There is also a small addendum, seeking sanctions against Walter White.

The Lava Lamp just turned 50 years old, meaning that the Lava Lamp is now old enough to consider itself a waste of money.

And finally, swimmer Diana Nyad successfully swam from Florida to Cuba, because she likes to taunt Cuban political prisoners.

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013

Papers last week revealed that the NSA had bugged offices at the United Nations in New York, as well as European Union offices in the city. And it's all because President Obama really wants to know what Angela Merkel is getting him for Christmas.

Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.

In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.

In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"

In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.

He should have at least added "habit-forming."

Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.

A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.

And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.

And thanks for reading!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2013

With the threat of war in Syria looming, the Pentagon is struggling to prepare ground troops for the horrors they would encounter in a hellish, bombed out urban landscape that has been utterly betrayed and devastated by its government. So they're sending the troops to Detroit for a week.

Speaking of Syria, the New York Times website was brought down again yesterday. The publisher blamed malicious attacks from supporters of the Assad regime, but it's more likely that people really just hate Maureen Dowd.

George Zimmerman wants the State of Florida to pay him $200,000 for his recent legal defense. And they should pay it if that's what it takes to keep him from murdering anyone else.

In Minnesota, a young man woke up on a camping trip to find a wolf biting his head and trying to eat him. After coming face to face with the predator, the man said he felt so threatened it must be what a woman feels like when Robin Thicke is around.

Scientists have found evidence for a new element with an atomic weight of 115. As is tradition, the element will be named after its discoverer. So all hail "Nerdium."

Wal-Mart will start offering same-sex couples the same health plan as heterosexual couples, which is to say, they will continue to offer them nothing.

The U.S. Treasury announced a printing error in making $100 bills may end up costing taxpayers $4 million. Too bad they can't find any money to deal with it.

And finally, scientists believe broccoli may slow the progression of arthritis, leading to speculation that arthritis hates the smell of farts.

Rage-o-Meter: The Faith in our Government Edition

You may have missed it, but a couple of North Carolina state legislators just blew their noses on the First Amendment, wadded it up and threw the nasty ball of mucous-covered parchment right in the Supreme Court's face. The aforementioned snot-bombing took the form of HOUSE JOINT RESOLUTION DRHJR10194-MM-54 (03/19), a neat little bill that lays the ground work for states and municipalities to start establishing official religions. There's quite a lot here to shake your faith in humanity.

First off, according to the authors of this bill, the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights say that Congress can't establish an official religion, but nowhere does it say that states can't do it. It's "separation of church and state," not "separation of church and states." Suck it, Jefferson. Think about that little oversight while you burn in Deist Hell.

The Devil is in the details.

That leaves the floodgates wide open for states, cities, towns, municipalities, and city-employed dog catchers to establish official religions in their particular domains.

We salute you, our half-inflated dog lord!

And if ever there's a group of people you want establishing an official religion, it's state and local elected officials. They can't get the pothole on your street filled in, but they'll get the mysteries of the universe sorted out for you. Whether you like it or not. And you better hope that you like it, because it's not like you can go crying to the Supreme Court about it, because as you can see from Section 2 of the bill:

"The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools, or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion."

Nanny, nanny, boo-boo, SCOTUS. We don't like the way you rule, so your rulings don't count. Sure, you have the word "Supreme" in your name, and the Constitution expressly says that you make rulings as to how the Constitution is interpreted, which is all fine and good, but we don't like your rulings. We don't agree with how you've applied the Establishment Clause, so we're going to ignore it like it's climate change science or Detroit.

In essence, the authors of the bill are saying they approve of the parts of the Constitution that say states can do whatever they want, but reject the part that says the Supreme Court has the final word on how the Constitution gets interpreted and what is considered legal in the country. It's like saying you enjoyed the original three Star Wars movies but you reject all the prequels. You can't just pretend that Jar-Jar Binks never existed, people. He's as real as Han Solo or Yoda, which is actually to say that he's not real at all. But the point still stands.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. But I'll still be unconstitutional.

A bigger issue, however, is that once you've made it possible for a religion to be made your official religion, you've made it possible for any religion to be made your official religion. It's a literal Pandora's Box, in that a city council could decide to turn their city back to the Hellenic mysticism and mythology of ancient Greece. Or perhaps you'd like to get a little Odin in your life?

And then what happens when people in one county decide that the people in the next county over are a bunch of bloodthirsty heathens and they don't truck with that kind of nonsense? How about a little holy war? Maybe some religious persecution for the people in your community who don't get on board with the one-true-whatever-you-decide? And if they don't like it, they can go off and form their own little namby-pamby country without any state-sponsored religion. And maybe whoever writes up their Constitution won't do a half-assed job like Jefferson. Of course, North Carolina is not going to erupt into some sort of Afghanistan-like civil war over religion. Probably. No, this is all meant to be taken metaphorically. And you know how well religious fundamentalists deal with metaphors.

Good luck, North Carolina. We'll be praying for you. Just as soon as you decide who those prayers should be directed to.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 27, 2013

Former Congressman and NYC Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner was involved in fender-bender Saturday morning. Three women have already come forward to say he was on his phone at the time, sending them pictures of the "gear shift," if you know what I mean.

Justin Timberlake won big at the Video Music Awards this weekend. He also made Joan Rivers' "Best Dressed List" thanks to how he cleverly accessorized his outfit with an old, kitschy boy band.

Also at the VMAs, rapper Eminem took the opportunity to announce his upcoming album, Hey, Remember Eminem? Come On, He's Still Cool!

In Scotland, tickets to the annual Fringe comedy festival were up by 5% over year, raising attendance to a record-high 21 people.

JC Penney's largest investor has bailed out, saying that things for the company were getting ugly. And for JC Penney's biggest investor, you know things have to get pretty ugly for him to have a problem.

The New York Attorney General is suing Donald Trump for running a bogus university that served as a pyramid scheme for the famous douchebag. Fortunately, the Donald Trump School of Hair Design will not be affected.

Starbucks announced it will soon be opening a location in Colombia, where eager customers are already lining up to have their names mispronounced.

And finally, health clubs are offering trampolines as part of group fitness classes. It's great for muscle tone, but you have to pay extra for the "We'll Set Your Broken Bones" package. Stupid upcharges.

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2013

Former Egyptian "President" Hosni Mubarak is out of prison and under house arrest. He's looking forward to ruthlessly crushing the weeds in his backyard garden.

New Watergate tapes came out yesterday, giving more insight into President Nixon's state of mind leading up to the scandal. Also, this posthumous release has finally cemented his position as the Tupac of American presidents.

A 6.2-magnitude earthquake shook Acapulco, Mexico, yesterday, momentarily causing hundreds of American tourists to stand up straight.

Former Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts denied rumors this week that he would run for governor, saying that he will instead get back to failing at things with his family instead.

In Texas, and American Airlines flight attendant trainee was arrested for calling in bomb threats to United Airlines. And that's why you don't haze flight attendant trainees, people.

The number of circumcisions performed in the United States is shrinking, but that's probably just because it was cold.

A new study found that kids who take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life, while kids who don't take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to think they're Jesus.

And finally, new data indicates that the NSA has access to over 75% of all Internet traffic, so they probably know the one weird trick to reduce belly fat. And if they don't, then what the hell are we doing?

That's it!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2013

German economists suspect that Greece will have to have another bailout to fully recover. That's the downside of having your bailouts provided by Lay's Potato Chips: no one can have just one!

In New York, a federal bankruptcy judge just gave the go ahead for Kodak to begin leaving bankruptcy. Observers are cautious, but they'll wait and see what develops.

If you didn't enjoy that joke, you're a horrible person.

In Brazil, a pet monkey was returned to its home of the past 40 years after environmental police confiscated it. They just needed to make sure that no one in the home was abusing the animal, and had to check out rumors that the monkey was being spanked.

Again, good people will enjoy that joke.

Also in Brazil, World Cup tickets just went on sale. They're expected to sell out, even with the outrageous "No-stabbing" surcharge.

In Japan, Tepco revealed that 300 million tons of radioactive waste have escaped containment at the Fukushima nuclear plant. To put that in perspective, it's almost the same amount of toxic waste generated each week by five separate Jack in the Box locations.

Doctors have found that patients' blood pressure drops when they are not charged a copay for their visits. From the journal Duh. Also lowering blood pressure: not paying for just about anything.

In London, the NHS is testing baking as a means of relieving depression. Next up, they're going to try being baked.

And finally, Texas Senator Ted Cruz found out that he may be half Canadian, due to the fact that he was born in Canada to an American mother. The Senator is taking this opportunity to run for Senate in Canada where he plans to increase border security and defund national healthcare.

God Save The Queen.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2013

Tensions are running high in Gibraltar after recent disputes about artificial reefs and queuing time at the border with Spain. A team from the European Union has been dispatched with instructions to be on the lookout for anyone who actually gives a shit.

Switzerland stopped a sale of ski lifts to North Korea yesterday. So there goes Pyongyang's plan to build the world's most repressive ski resort.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie just signed a law banning doctors from using therapies designed to convert gay people to straight. But he really just banned it because it would have been paid for by Obamacare.

In Ohio, a man purchased a gun safe on the Internet, and when it was delivered he found 285 pounds of marijuana stashed inside. And we only know about this story because that man is the least cool person on the planet.

The CIA recently released documents indicating the agency was responsible for the 1953 Iranian coup, which proves that one point in time the CIA was, in fact, responsible for something.

In England and Wales, the age limit for jurors was just raised to 75. So, look for a lot more convictions for whippersnappering and general lawn-harassment.

Actor Dick Van Dyke was uninjured after his car caught fire in Los Angeles. Angela Lansbury is already investigating.

And finally, there is a push underway in Seattle to get the minimum wage raised to $15, or as it is known in Seattle "One Latte."

That's it.

Monday Morning Monologue - August 19, 2013

In Venezuela, a barber is keeping Hugo Chavez's revolution alive by giving free haircuts in the street. Unfortunately, it is Chavez's haircut, so she's not very popular with the ladies.

A recent evaluation of India's electrical grid found that over half of the population has no access to power. A spokesman for the government addressed the issue saying "that's nothing compared to the metaphorically powerless."

Microsoft just fixed a massive outage that brought down the Outlook program for offices around the country for three whole days. Or, as Outlook users called it: "the best three days ever."

Priceline.com stock nearly topped $1000 per share recently, but then people started naming their own price for shares, and it all went to hell from there.

In Bangkok, Thailand, police just seized $6 million worth of methamphetamines and Breaking Bad spoilers.

Saudi Arabia's government is warning western powers not to interfere in what's going on in Egypt because "those guys are making us look really good."

U.S. investigators are probing allegations that J.P. Morgan Chase hired the children of Chinese officials as a bribe for access to the country. So, on top of bribery, now it appears that Chase is engaging in child labor. Just awful, making children work in a bank...

And finally, New Zealand just held its first same-sex marriage ceremonies this weekend. Catering was provided by hobbits.

Is that it? Yes, for now.

Monday Morning Monologue - August 12, 2013

Taylor Swift performed for a packed crowd at Soldier Field this weekend. The singer said she loves Chicago, so we should expect an angry song about how the city wronged her sometime next year.

Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have trained a dog to locate and identify the scent of ovarian cancer in women. The dog is 100% accurate in early tests. This is a big breakthrough for the science of smelling women's crotches.

Speaking of smelling things, workers at JFK airport were sickened by the fumes coming from a mysterious package yesterday. Authorities suspect it was either VX nerve gas, or Ron Artest's gym shorts.

In Switzerland, Oprah Winfrey was shocked when a high-end accessory store refused to show her a $35,000 handbag, saying "you can't afford it." Oprah said it was due to racism, and the store owner claimed it was just a misunderstanding, saying "we didn't understand that black people have money now."

Singer and self-help guru Chris Brown suffered a seizure this weekend. Doctors blame emotional stress and a lack of sleep. Sounds like Chris needs to quit beating himself up about things.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are refusing offers to sell photos of their baby, North. It's not clear if this is to protect North's privacy, or because they just don't want the added competition for the cameras.

A family from Arizona recently attempted to flee the religious persecution they saw in America for Mauritania. They set out on a small boat from San Diego, but were stranded at sea by a series of storms. They were rescued by fisherman and eventually flown home to the U.S., whereupon they realized "oh, right... airplanes."

And finally, The Mars One Project has received 100,000 applications from people hoping to take a one-way trip to colonize Mars. It's also spawned a new reality competition show: "WHO WANTS TO FREEZE TO DEATH ON MARS?" Great television.

Later!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 8, 2013

Chris Brown announced he may retire from music after his next album. He will not be retiring from being a giant rage monster.

NASA's Curiosity rover sang "Happy Birthday" to itself yesterday by vibrating pipes it normally uses for soil collection. Warner Brothers immediately sent a cease and desist order.

And you thought your birthday was sad.

Groupon just announced a new CEO. They're getting him for 80% off, but tax and gratuity are not included.

Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" has topped the charts. Now if only the models in his video could get tops, too.

A diplomatic rift is growing between Vladimir Putin and President Obama over a snub by the President yesterday in response to Edward Snowden being granted asylum in Russia. Thank goodness President Obama didn't accidentally date Putin's ex-girlfriend, or there could be some real drama.

An American tourist in Europe broke the finger off of a 600-year-old statue of the Virgin Mary when he tried to compare his hand size to hers. "I'm sorry," the man said, "but I just had to see if I had a bigger dick than the Virgin Mary."

Real estate valuing service Zillow.com saw it's stock price tumble this week. Early estimates have the company losing 10% of its value, but that's just the county assessor's report. If you really want to know how much value they lost, you'll need to buy a detailed report.

And finally, San Diego mayor Bob Filner just got his sexual harassment lawsuit deposition delayed. Filner was so happy that he couldn't stop rubbing his dick on people.

And that's all!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 7, 2013

Zoologists have found that dolphins possess the longest memories in the animal kingdom, which is probably why they quit loaning me money.

In Detroit, auto industry representatives put forward a brave face yesterday, claiming that young people will start buying cars again, even in this economy. They just need to move back in with their parents, first.

Former President George W. Bush underwent heart surgery yesterday to put in a stent. The surgery was a success, and the former First Dude reminded America of the importance of regular checkups. Oh, and of having health insurance so you can get them.

And yesterday Detroit held elections for "Mayor." Election officials are still tallying up the large number of write-in ballots. Leading among them is a strong contender named "Dear God Why Won't Someone Help Us?"

In College Hill, Ohio, a man crashed his car into a gas station and then escaped by hailing a nearby cab. So, authorities are looking for a white suspect.

On an appearance on The Tonight Show this week, President Obama told Jay Leno "there is no domestic spying program." To which Leno replied "I haven't even asked you a question yet..."

Also in Obama news, the President is upset with Russia for granting NSA leaker Edward Snowden temporary asylum in Russia. To make things more unpleasant for Mr. Snowden, the White House has been releasing reports that Snowden is gay. Because Russia really doesn't like gay people.

And finally, Chinese doctors report that the bird flu is now passing between humans for the first time. So, if you've been holding off on making out with a bird, now there's nothing stopping you.

Later!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 6, 2013

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe says that his victory is a clear mandate from the people to take over international banks in the country. Basically, he says it's a mandate to take control of any place known for keeping an accurate count of things.

Doctors at the University of Virginia at Charolottesville concluded that kids who drink sugary beverages are more likely to be obese. But still no clear link to cooties.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is purchasing The Washington Post, just when you thought no one was buying the newspaper anymore.

American security services said that embassies and consulates in the middle east will remain closed following communications they intercepted from al Qaeda, which must mean that al Qaeda is finally on Facebook.

The Obama administration vetoes a recent ban on the importation of various Apple iPhones. When asked why, White House spokesmen said "because they're totally easy to spy on."

Time Warner Cable has blacked out CBS following stalled negotiations, although CBS programming will still be available on the Internet. And if there's one thing CBS viewers are comfortable with, it's the Internet.

In London, scientists debuted the world's first lab-grown hamburger. The patty cost just under $200,000 to produce, which is why fast food workers can't get a raise.

And finally, other scientists used an atomic force microscope to paint the world's smallest copy of "The Mona Lisa" using a process called thermochemical nanolithography. No word on what process or microscope they'll use to find someone who gives a shit.

Ta.

Monday Morning Monologue - August 5, 2013

Researchers at Lenox Hill Hospital found that people who undergo plastic surgery look younger, but not prettier. So it looks like George Clooney got that scrotum tuck for nothing.

In Rome, protesters rallied outside the home of beleaguered former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who was recently found guilty of tax evasion. It's unclear if they were there to support him or were hoping he would invite them in for a sex party.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe was just reelected in a landslide. Wait, did I say "landslide?" I meant "landfill," as in "Mugabe buried the opposition's votes in a landfill, and no one ever saw them again."

Unicef called on global leaders recently to help promote breastfeeding. Their slogan's campaign is "Breastfeeding is good for mothers, infants, families, and the world. Please support it." It's all true, but that slogan is really a mouthful.

The Japanese space agency just sent a talking robot up to the International Space Station. Fortunately, it is not a sex robot.

In the small town of Dorset, Minnesota, a four year-old boy was reelected to his second term as mayor. And due to budget shortfalls, he's expected to institute the most adorable round of municipal layoffs in the country.

Kuwait's emir just formed a new cabinet this weekend. Well, he didn't actually form the cabinet. It was assembled by foreign guest workers who have no rights to citizenship or representation in the government but can still pay taxes. You know how it is.

And finally, at least ten people were arrested on felony drug charges at Lollapalooza this weekend. They've been charged with felony possession, distribution, and totally over-charging.

That's all!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 31, 2013

Firefighters in London report a surge of handcuff-related injuries from people inspired to reenact scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Who would have guessed people who loved that book would be too dumb to work a pair of handcuffs?

Scientists found that a diabetes pill has an anti-aging effect in lab mice. "Great news!" said the diabetic lab mice. "We were hoping to drag out this existence as long as possible!"

A man arrested by the DEA and left abandoned in a windowless cell for four days was just awarded a $4.1 million settlement, and a co-creator credit for the reality series based on his experiences. The show is called Drink Your Own Urine.

Dock workers in Los Angeles found a cat stowed away in a freighter that arrived from the Philippines. So now cats are sneaking into the country to take all our pooping-in-boxes-and-sleeping-all-day jobs.

New York City's large soda ban was just ruled unconstitutional, under the "Full Faith and Fatass" clause.

Anthony Weiner released a video yesterday saying that he won't quit. He won't quit the race mayoral race, and he won't quit describing his dick to strange women on the Internet.

Time Warner Cable has decided not to pull CBS from its cable service, despite ongoing contract renegotiations. So don't worry, you'll still be greeted by the latest episode of NCIS when you visit your grandparents.

And finally, mass killing suspect and militant racist Anders Breivik just applied to attend university. He's going to be so pissed off when he learns about affirmative action.

That's it!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 30, 2013

Following his recent sexting scandal, Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the New York mayoral race, just ahead of Bill Clinton's penis.

On the subject of gay clergy, Pope Francis said "who am I to judge?" So, he didn't read the job description.

A new study links monogamy to increased IQ scores for men, according to the latest issue of the New England Journal of Nagging. Am I right?

Fast food industry workers are going on strike for a living wage. Best of luck to them, and we hope the nation can adjust to a day without diarrhea.

Scientists have succeeded in growing new, replacement teeth from human urine. So, you'll want to brush those teeth before you use them.

Archaeologists discovered that ancient Inca priests would use drugs to make children more docile when sacrificing them in religious rights. This just in: Roman Polanski is an Inca.

Tropical Depression Flossie is weakening after reaching Hawaii, leading to speculation that it had some poi.

And finally, the American Academy of Pediatrics found that candy is the number one cause of choking in children. And "a chance at the post-season" is still the number one cause of choking for the Chicago Cubs.

Ta-ta for now!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 29, 2013

A new smartphone app is in development to tell users whether or not they're drunk. The name of the app is "Wanna Call Cheryl?"

Zoologists think that dolphins may use distinct noises to refer to each other, in effect meaning that they have their own names. And apparently dolphins think it's racist when we can't tell them apart.

In China, a woman got trapped between two walls of a home, and when she cried out for help the owners thought she was a ghost. Crazy, right? Everyone knows that ghosts rent.

Recently government agents seized $35 million worth of cocaine in Florida. So now's Florida's big chance to get back on the nation's good side.

A professional group representing academic historians is pushing for universities to withhold Ph.D. dissertations from distribution on the Internet for six years after publication. It's part of a new "no spoiler" policy for world history.

Pope Francis ended his tour of Brazil with the world's longest no-touching conga line in history. Also, he's the first Pontiff since 1540 to get a full back-wax during peace time.

In Washington D.C. thousands of people lined up to experience the "corpse flower." It's the most foul thing in the city that wasn't elected or appointed.

And finally, key players in the New York Democratic Party are telling Anthony Weiner to pull out of the mayoral race after his latest sexting scandal. However, judging from the content of his messages, it could get messy if Weiner pulls out at the wrong time.

Stay classy!

Rage-o-Meter: The Rock-Tsarnayev Edition

I simply cannot resist the urge to comment on this, if for no other reason than it gives me the opportunity to use the phrase "TrollingStone magazine." Which I will do now.

Music and culture journalism bastion TrollingStone magazine actually managed to something a little bit punk rock this week, possibly on purpose. Their new cover features a dreamy image of accused Boston bombing suspect Dzokhar Tsarnayev, using a photo that could just as easily have been snapped at an after-hours dubstep show in Williamsburg. Not that I'd know. The offending image:

Let's leave aside the fact that "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" was a tired phrase 6 years ago, that Magna Carta will someday be viewed as a work of genius (whether we like it or not), and that THE ARCTIC ICE MELT GETS THE SAME AMOUNT OF SPACE AS GUY CLARK JR. Put that all out of your mind for the moment, so we can get back to literally judging this book by its cover.

Just look at him. All smug and self-assured. He really does look like a douchebag from an unadvertised underground bar you'll never be cool enough to get into. How dare RollingStone elevate him like that. Wait, hold on a second. Okay, they do go on to call him "The Bomber," which could be a cool DJ name, but then they say "How a Popular, Promising Student Was Failed by His Family, Fell Into Radical Islam and Became a Monster." Well, that's not very flattering. But still, putting an accused murderer on the cover of one of our most cherished (for some reason) national magazines is not something we would ever tolerate.

Hey, is that Hitler?

Hmm. That's odd, right? Genocidal mass murderer, despotic tyrant, two-time coverboy? Maybe Time just has a weird Hitler hangup. Like how Huffington Post can't stop putting up stories about Ann Coulter. They just have a kind of Hitler fetish. Oh, wait a tic. Here comes Stalin.

That's a lot of Stalins.

Oh, and how appropriate that LIFE put Stalin on the cover, since life is something for which he had no regard. So it's not just Hitler. And it's not just Time. Could there be more examples?

And of course:

It's almost as if these magazines were somehow trying to grab the attention of their readers with provocative images and text in order to get them to purchase and read stories about current events. But does it work? Somehow Time and Newsweek largely (mostly) survived the massive boycotts that surely came as a result of these covers shown here (wait, there were none), and RollingStone will survive its latest attempts to trick people into reading the news. It's unfortunate and unavoidable when journalists offend their readers. Well, mainly its unavoidable.

If I were an editor at RollingStone (side note: I'm available!) I wouldn't lose much sleep over CVS or Walgreens or Wal-Mart or anyone else refusing to carry this issue. I'd thank my lucky stars for the free press and count the Internet traffic that comes rolling in, so to speak. Maybe that's the point. Or maybe it's just punk.

Wednesday Morning Monologue -July 17, 2013

Actor and comedian Danny McBride took a major spill on rollerskates yesterday. His injuries were not serious, but they were described as hilariously painful.

Google Street View now includes a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower. To make it a truly realistic experience, they're working on a way of digitally transmitting the smell of a thousand unwashed tourists.

Stevie Wonder will now boycott states with "stand your ground" laws, because he'd rather not get murdered.

Vladimir Putin just piloted a minisub to the bottom of the ocean to examine an old shipwreck and continue checking off items on his "James Bond Villain Checklist."

Dave Matthews got stranded before a show recently, and caught a ride to his show from some of his own fans. Pretty brave, considering his fans were clearly stoned.

Gas prices are down one penny over the last three weeks, so the RECESSION IS OVER!

Greek workers are striking over layoffs. In other news, Greek scabs are having a fantastic week.

And finally, a racehorse owner is using his horse to fight cancer by naming the animal "Prostate Awareness." Coincidentally, that was actually Ron Artest's birth name.

Cheers!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2013

Twinkies are coming back, but the bad news is they're coming back smaller. But don't worry, the size of your ass will remain unchanged.

Warren Buffett is sponsoring a class in Internet philanthropy. Students will be giving away $100,000 of his money online. Truly a great day for Nigerian princes.

Scientists are predicting that soon the majority of our farming will be done by robots. So long as they have an open expansion slot for their green card.

Radiohead pulled its albums off of Spotify in protest of their payment structure. Fortunately, the albums are still available wherever fine music is stolen.

Geologists confirmed that volcanoes emit a high pitched noise, or scream, before eruption. Just one more way I'm like a volcano.

Anti-vaccine activist and general moron Jenny McCarthy just got hired for The View, or as it will be called next season, The Uninformed and Dangerously Stupid Opinion.

Experts testified yesterday that Michael Jackson stood to earn one billion dollars on his comeback tour. In MJ terms that's over 1000 chimpanzees and 300 giraffes. After taxes.

And finally, Texas state senator Wendy Davis reaped over one million dollars in campaign contributions following her recent filibuster, making her the best paid loiterer in history.

See ya tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 15, 2013

Google is set to spent $500 million promoting the new Motorola "Moto X" phone, which it turns out is slightly less than it would have cost to just make a good phone in the first place.

Police arrested a man for sitting outside John Kerry's Boston home with an open container of alcohol. In a related story, STOP THE PRESSES! Some yahoo is out drunk in Boston!

In Michigan City, Indiana, a young boy is doing well after being rescued from a sinkhole where he was trapped for three hours. The child thanked his good fortune for not being stuck in a sinkhole in Florida. Because someone would have shot him.

In Italy, racism is alive and well, as an Italian Senator just made statements likening the country's first black cabinet minister to an orangutan. Fortunately, George Zimmerman was nowhere near the cabinet minister.

China's economy slowed for the second straight quarter, proving once again that they get all their ideas from America.

Speaking of China, former Laker Metta World Peace is considering taking his talents to China as a free agent. He's excited at the prospect of playing for over a billion fans, and choking them.

In Belfast, the Northern Ireland Chief of Police denounced recent riots, saying they were "shameful and disgraceful," claiming that Northern Ireland can do way better next time.

And finally, the world's oldest calendar was discovered in Scotland recently. Scientists were able to determine its exact age by checking to see if it listed Larry King's birthday.

HE'S OLD!

And that's it for today.

Friday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2013

George Clooney is single again, proving once more that women just can't be pleased.

Shares of Amazon.com stock are at an all-time high of $300, although you can probably get them cheaper online.

Speaking of Amazon, they're getting into the comic book publishing game, which is bed news for writers and artists who will now have to actually deliver content the next dame.

In Brazil, football fans are up in arms over a proposed new rule that would ban fans from getting shirtless at the Maracana stadium. So there goes the NASCAR partnership.

A federal judge has put a stop to invasive, unnecessary "groin searches" performed on inmates at Guantanamo Bay. The groin searches will still be available at all U.S. airports.

Metta World Peace is no longer on the Los Angeles Lakers after the team let him go yesterday. It's part of a new plan for the Lakers to make sure that Kobe Bryant is the only player on the team. And he kinda was last year.

Paula Deen dumped her legal team yesterday because she "needed to get some Jews" to represent her.

And finally, the Chicago Cubs have finally reached an agreement with the city to pay for a new Jumbotron at Wrigley Field. Said one city negotiator, "it's the best the Cubs will ever look."

Monday Morning Monologue - July 8, 2013

In Miami, thieves made off with $1.1 million of vodka waiting to pass through customs. Police are searching the area for bad decisions and sloppy hookups.

Dwight Howard just left the L.A. Lakers for the Houston Rockets, proving once and for all that living in Houston is slightly less unpleasant than working with Kobe Bryant.

Artisans from Hungary are busy building an authentic Hungarian village in D.C. on the National Mall. The village will showcase traditional Hungarian folk art, architecture, and the last place in D.C. that isn't owned by an older Polish woman.

The NSA is having trouble explaining why Edward Snowden was able to access the top secret information about PRISM that he shared with the press. Good thing the government wasn't using a highly invasive spying program for their background checks.

A solar powered flight completed a cross-country tour this week, the first in history. And since it's a United Airlines flight, it was already delayed.

That's all.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 3, 2013

The Vatican announced that Pope John Paul II is moving through the process of sainthood, and could be declared a saint this year. His kids must be so proud.

In Canada, two people are being held in conjunction with a plot to detonate a bomb at Parliament in conjunction with Canada Day celebrations. In a related story, at least two people remembered Canada Day.

Christian Bale denied rumors this week that he would be playing Batman in upcoming Justice League films. We get it. You're just playing Bruce Wayne. *wink!*

New York City will soon have its own ".nyc" Internet domain name. It will be open to the public just as soon as they figure out how to digitize rats and garbage smells.

Edward Snowden is having terrible luck finding a nation to grant him asylum. Which may explain all the Craigslist ads posted under the category "M seeks Political Asylum."

In Chicago, Teamsters have gone on strike specifically in the funeral home industry. Additional workers have been brought in to try and break the strike. In the meantime, Chicagoans have been asked to please postpone their deaths until the dispute is resolved.

Computer maker Razer is debuting a new laptop built specifically for gaming and for gamers. Among its features are the Haswell-based Core i7-4702HQ processor, Nvidia GTX 765M graphics card, and a suped-up exhaust fan to blow Cheetos crumbs away from the hard drive.

And finally, American Olympic bobsledder Lolo Jones drew the ire of the Internet when she made fun of one of the witness in the George Zimmerman murder trial. The stunned athlete was overjoyed to find out that anyone knew who the hell she was.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2013

Over the weekend in New York, a helicopter successfully landed in the middle of the Hudson River. Because that's how hard it is to find a helicopter parking space in the city.

In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.

Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.

The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.

It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.

Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.

A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.

And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.

Monday Morning Monologue - July 1, 2013

Happy Monday!

Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.

This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."

In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.

Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.

Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.

Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.

Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.

And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.

That's all!

Friday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2013

The Senate just passed immigration reform. Meanwhile, the House of Representatives is doing it's best to make sure no one wants to move here.

Insiders report that Google is working on a gaming console. The flagship game is planned to be a puzzle game called "Give Us Your Credit Card Number."

Streaming music service Spotify just hired 130 engineers, which means that musicians can make money off the service, so long as they can program in Drupal.

NASA just launched a new satellite to observe the sun. It's mission includes testing new technology from Ray-Ban.

Also, it's a continuation of a project from Mississippi called "Go Outside and Stare at the Sun."

The Drug Enforcement Agency is cracking down on designer drugs, which is great news for people who buy their drugs at outlet stores.

The Cleveland Cavaliers used their Number One draft pick to get Anthony Bennet of UNLV. And since he's going to the Cavs, this will be the last time he gets to experience being number one.

And finally, new federal nutrition guidelines are going into effect to get junk food out of public schools across the country. But you can still teach Intelligent Design.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 27, 2013

Paula Deen went on the Today show yesterday to apologize for, you know. She appeared to break down and cry, but it turns out it was just her body expelling excess butter from her eyes.

In a related story, Ms. Deen will soon announce a new partnership with Chick-Fil-A to sell her signature Buttered Bigot Burger.

Edward Snowden has disappeared from the Moscow airport, and no one can find him. He was last seen wearing blue jean, a red and white striped shirt and a stupid hat.

In Egypt, President Morsi delivered a speech, cautioning that civil unrest may "paralyze" the country. He went on to add "it's a real nice democracy you got there. Sure would be a shame if something... HAPPENED... to it."

Scientists discovered that the first horses lived around 4 million years ago, right about the time of the first TrapperKeeper.

In other animal news, scientists will begin retiring chimpanzees from medical testing. Great, so now there's even more competition on the job market.

Microsoft confirmed that the KINECT will not work with the XBOX One. You'll just have to wait to find out if it will work with the XBOX One.

And finally, the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act yesterday in a 5-4 split, proving that at least four people in America have never had a gay friend.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 26, 2013

President Obama announced plans to combat climate change yesterday. First, he's going to go through all of climate change's private emails, and then blow up climate change with a drone strike.

The Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act yesterday, saying it was Congress' responsibility to fix the broken legislation. No word yet on who is responsible for fixing the broken Congress.

Speaking of broken, Texas state Republicans succeeded in breaking the Democratic filibuster against the anti-abortion SB5 yesterday. Or maybe they didn't. It's unclear if it happened before midnight or not. And seeing as how many GOP Senators think the earth is only 6,000 years old, their grasp of time may not be up to the challenge here.

NASA started a public challenge for amateur astronomers to locate and track "earth-killing" asteroids, because NASA is tired of being the only ones with asteroid nightmares.

Singer and amateur stuntman Chris Brown was charged in LA with a hit-and-run, which is a change from his normal pattern of hit-and-date-and-continue-to-abuse-for-years.

Vladimir Putin confirmed that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is in the "transit" area of the Moscow airport, and not technically on Russian soil anymore. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal, except people are actually interested in watching Snowden.

The UK is contemplating making visitors from India pay a £3,000 security bond to make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Indian officials asked "why the hell didn't we think of that in 1858?"

And finally, UK lawmakers are considering adding Jane Austen's face to paper money, but are afraid that would upset financial markets because she's just too precious.

Go Blackhawks.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 25, 2013

Jim Carrey said yesterday that he can no longer support his own film, Kick-Ass 2, due to it's objectionable content. Yet he still stands behind Batman Forever.

Coy Mathis, a 6 year-old transgender girl in Colorado, just won a seven-month legal battle to gain the right to use the girls' restroom at her school. And just in time, because seven months is a loooooong time to hold it.

George Lucas just got married. Thankfully, he did not write the vows.

NBA legend Scottie Pippen was questioned by police about his involvement in an altercation that sent a man to the hospital. Probably because Scottie hit the dude with all his NBA Championship Rings! What you got, LeBron? Two? That's not gonna send anyone to an urgent care clinic.

Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to prison and banned from office for having sex with an underage girl. He nearly got away with it, though, but he made the fatal mistake of being a complete scum ball.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden pulled a feint and did not show up for his flight from Moscow to Havana. He is becoming the hardest guy to plan a surprise party for.

Tennis star and culture-critic Serena Williams apologized again for making an insensitive comment about the Steubenville rape victim. Serena said "I can't believe I put myself in this position."

And finally, according to the CDC, the newest strain of the bird flu "kills more than a third" of its victims. So it's a bad day to be a bird! Or a person. Seriously.

Bye!

Monday Morning Monologue - June 24, 2013

Justin Bieber tweeted on June 19 that he will release a new movie and new music this year. Twitter is investigating him for making threatening tweets.

Instagram just added videos to their service. Users uploaded five million videos in the first 24 hours, making it the fastest surge of penises onto the Internet in recorded history.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden left Hong Kong this weekend and flew to Moscow, thanks to the aid of Wikileaks. His itinerary was supposed to be a secret, but you know how these people are.

Scientists from the UK claim to have proof that "plants do maths," which is stupid because the word is "math," singular.

Firefighters in Colorado are scrambling to save Del Norte from wildfires. Someone should set some wildfires  outside Detroit.

Brazilians are taking to the streets to protest crumbling social services and public transportation. And now they can protest the traffic, too.

An early Apple I computer is going up for auction, and expected to bring in $500,000. But it still won't run any cool games.

And finally, Paula Deen is expected to lose her job with QVC, after it came out that she may have made racist jokes in the past. Also, no one is interested in buying her "Slaves' Secret" moisturizing blackface masques.

END

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 11, 2013

Sources close to the White House say the administration is reassessing its policy against arming Syrian rebels, because it will be totally different than Afghanistan.

Former Secretary of State, Senator, and First Lady Hillary Clinton joined Twitter this week, so for God's sake don't spoil Game of Thrones for her. She will destroy you.

Singing astronaut Chris Hadfield, who rose to fame for his rendition of "Space Oddity" performed about the International Space Station, announced he will be retiring. Good news, he/s going on a farewell tour. Bad news, it's in outer space. And scalpers already bought up all the tickets.

A new study indicates that yoga helps with memory, specifically being able to remember to talk incessantly about how much you enjoy yoga.

Speaking of yoga, Lululemon's Chief Executive Officer, Christine Day, is stepping down due to the whole "see-through yoga pants" thing. And while stepping down, you could totally see her underpants.

Tim Tebow will be signing with the New England Patriots, allowing fans to hate more efficiently.

A new study found that one-fifth of designated drivers have actually been drinking, and the other four just resent you.

And finally, the new Mac Air will have an "all-day battery," so you can look like a douchebag at Starbucks all day long.

End.

Monday Morning Monologue - June 10, 2013

The Guardian newspaper revealed former CIA person Edward Snowden leaked the documents about PRISM. He's single, 29, enjoys Italian food and whistle blowing, and he's single, ladies! Wait, is he actually single? If only there were some way we could get a bunch more information about him...

In other PRISM news, the British intelligence service GCHQ used data collected by the NSA in maintaining national security in the UK. So now we're even for The Office coming to America.

AT&T announced this weekend that they will be raising the eligibility requirement for phone upgrades to a 24-month term. However, you're still immediately eligible for NSA surveillance.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker announced he will be running for the Senate, because after Newark not even the Senate seems dysfunctional.

In charity news, a lunch for eight people with financier Warren Buffett just sold on eBay for $1million. Still no takers on his offer to be hunted like a wild animal for $10million.

In entertainment news, horror/thriller The Purge topped the box office, surprising many industry insiders due to its risky inclusion of Ethan Hawke.

In other entertainment news, actor Russell Crowe said recently that he felt "stuck" in his costume for the upcoming Man of Steel film, and that the biggest challenge was not being able to use the bathroom for eight hours at a time. Apparently Lord Crowe is too fancy to soil himself like the rest of us.

And in Iranian politics, the upcoming presidential election has many wondering who will take over for outgoing President Ahmadinejad. Coming in last in the polls, to no surprise, the Zionist party. Meanwhile, Fox News anchors have finally managed to learn how to pronounce Ahmadinejad.

And finally, in response to anti-government rallies, Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan said this weekend that "there is an end to patience," before adding "wait, are you guys going to put that on my tombstone?"

That's it! Tomorrow will be better.

Friday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2013

Don't look now! Vladimir Putin just announced he's getting a divorce. So, watch out, ladies! No, seriously, watch out for Vladimir Putin.

In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.

Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.

Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.

Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.

AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.

Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.

A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.

At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.

And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2013

In California a Taco Bell employee posted a photo to Facebook that showed him apparently licking a stack of taco shells in the restaurant's kitchen. Absolutely disgusting. Does he have any idea what kind of bacteria live on those things?

In an unrelated story, scientists are suggesting that for humanity to survive in the future, we're going to have to start eating insects for our protein. So, Taco Bell is ready.

At Sotheby's auction house, a rare book of Psalms printed in 1640 is expected to bring over $15 million at auction. "Great news," said a guy who is unfamiliar with what Psalms actually say.

Yahoo! announced their search results page is getting a visual makeover. And it now redirects to Google.com

Responding to a dare, a team of Honda engineers have created a lawn mower that can cut grass at speeds of up to 130 miles per hour. It wasn't intended to go that fast, but since it's a Honda, the accelerator kept getting stuck. It's part of Honda's new "Machines of Death" line.

Brazil's Department of Health has discontinued an online ad campaign called "I'm a Happy Prostitute," meant to shed light on health issues related to prostitution, which is legal in Brazil. It has been replaced with "I'm A Miserable Office Worker."

In Arizona, people are up in arms over a 9 foot gargoyle sculpture that prominently features a very visible phallus. Even worse: the gargoyle came from Mexico and stole a job from a hardworking American gargoyle.

Sheriff Arpaio has already arrested the statue and violated its civil rights.

A recent study found that a majority of patients do not access an online video meant to help them prepare for a colonoscopy. Most likely, because it is a video about colonoscopies.

First Lady Michelle Obama shut down a heckler at a speaking engagement this week. When heckled, she responded "hey, I don't come down to where you work and hassle you, buddy. Probably because you don't have a job, since the economy is so weak." It's funnier when she says it.

In Florida, an 84-year old woman won a $370 million Powerball jackpot. "Great," the woman said, "now I can finally afford to retire someplace better than Florida!"

And finally, in Minneapolis, a high school cheerleader was arrested for pimping out a younger student. Administrators at the school became suspicious when they saw what the young woman was doing with the school's spirit stick.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 4, 2013

Archaeologists revealed evidence recently that French winemaking actually comes from Italy. Still no word on where they got the arrogance.

A new study out of California indicates that a vegetarian diet can prolong lives. Although most of those lives are cows, pigs, and chickens.

Internet gaming company Zynga just laid off a third of their workforce. Which explains their latest batch of games: JOB HUNTER, Let's Collect: Unemployment, and the new tower-defense hit Mom's Basement. Also, the recently unemployed programmers are now hard at work on an actual farm. So they can eat.

Will and Jaden Smith's sci-fi adventure After Earth is struggling at the box office, which may explain why Will Smith posted a casting call looking for a new son. Ouch.

In Mississippi, indictments were unsealed in the case of the recent ricin attacks against the President. However, court was adjourned early when the judge discovered the indictments themselves contained ricin.

Blind advocates are up in arms over the CAPTCHA technology used to verify human presence on the Internet. Also angry: people who like to leave drunk comments on websites.

President Obama called for tougher sanctions against Iran, specifically their auto industry, leading many to speculate that Iran may have a secret automotive industry.

And finally, Michael Douglass said that oral sex can cause throat cancer. It's all part of his plan to make every man in the world hate him.

That's all.

Monday Morning Monologue - June 3, 2013

Yahoo! Mail Classic is shutting down today, so you might want to let your parents know.

Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.

Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.

The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.

In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.

Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.

Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.

President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."

And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!

/end

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 30, 2013

A team of scientists just built a machine that can identify a piece of Western music after hearing just three notes. Next, the team will build a machine that can identify a use for the previous machine.

A recent survey of human resources departments revealed that 1 out of 10 people between the ages of 16 to 34 have been denied jobs because of inappropriate comments made on social networking sites. The other 9 were denied jobs because the economy is so shitty.

Motorola announced a new factory in Texas, where they will make the first American smartphones. They also announced plans for a great big time machine to send the phones back to 2004, when people still wanted Motorola phones.

Derek Jeter was back on the field today, playing catch after having his immobilizing boot removed from his foot. Apparently Jeter was parked illegally in a handicapped space over night.

Physicists working for the National Institute of Standards and Technology have created the world's most accurate clock. Or is it? No, it is. It can tell you, to the millisecond, when the next episode of Dr. Who will air.

Following a concerted effort from feminist groups, Facebook agreed to take down pages promoting violence and hate speech. And replaced 'em with pages about nagging, amirite?

But seriously, Facebook specifically targeted pages glorifying domestic violence and removed them from the network. In a related story, Chris Brown and Roman Polanski are all over Myspace now.

A penguin briefly escaped its enclosure at SeaWorld recently. It took quite a while to find the little fellow, as he blended in perfectly with the guests for the annual black tie benefit gala.

The Global Commission on Drug Policy warned that the "war on drugs," and intravenous drugs in particular, is actually fueling a worldwide pandemic of hepatitis C. And Tommy Lee isn't helping.

That's all!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 29, 2013

Netflix announced that it will begin airing episodes of the hit series The Killing the day after they originally air. And they will be narrated by Ron Howard.

Daimler Motors recalled over 6,000 new A-Class Mercedes Hatchbacks after executives learned what a hatchback was.

The world's oldest complete Torah was found at an Italian university, alongside the world's oldest savings bonds and BestBuy gift cards.

That's a Bar Mitzvah joke.

Electronic music pioneers Daft Punk set a new record for plays of their latest album on Spotify. When they learned of their new album's popularity on the streaming site, members of the band started dreaming of what they will do with the zero dollars they just earned.

Internet technologists believe that using "noise-cancelling" software will increase the speed of the Internet, although it is worth pointing out that most of what's on the Internet falls under the category of "noise."

Wal-Mart agreed to pay an $86million fine for illegally disposing of hazardous fertilizer, pesticides, and other chemicals. In other news, Wal-Mart has a new store-brand antiperspirant coming out this week.

Doctors studying patient mortality found that people undergoing planned operations at the end of the week are more likely to die as a result of the procedure than people who get under the knife early in the week. Suddenly Urkel is no longer the worst thing about Friday.

And finally, Chinese hackers broke into the Pentagon's sensitive systems this week, gaining access to plans for dozens of advanced weapons systems. Analysts believe this theft will save the Chinese decades in developing pointless, expensive, and ill-advised military boondoggles. Damn it!

And that's the end.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 28, 2013

GE plans to invest billions of dollars in the controversial and possibly environmentally dangerous technology called "Fracking." But that's nothing compared to what they invested in Jay Leno.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) sneaked into Syria yesterday to meet with rebel leaders and also demonstrate how they need to increase their border security.

New York City just launched the world's largest bike sharing program, just in time for summer. Coincidentally, it's also the world's largest ass-sweat sharing program.

In Toronto, Mayor Ford is facing more trouble from his alleged crack-smoking video. Two of his top aides left this week, which outraged the mayor until he was informed that neither of the aides were the ones responsible for purchasing his crack.

He also went so far as to apologize for calling the press "maggots," saying that crack makes you do crazy things.

The Royal Bank of Scotland is cutting 1,400 jobs. Cheap bastards.

Doctors studying the long-term impact of fetal crack use have found no indication that so-called "crack babies" experience lasting damage from the drug. The data indicates that they are able to succeed and achieve in life just like anyone else, even going so far as to become mayor of large north American cities.

In Japan, the mayor apologized for a previous comment in which he suggested that American military personnel should alleviate stress, and reduce sexual assault, by indulging in Japan's booming adult entertainment industry. When walking back his comments, he added "I must have been smoking crack."

And finally, Sir Paul McCartney visited Graceland for the first time this week, and left a guitar pick behind. He was repaying a visit The King made to Apple Records in 1970. During that trip, Elvis left behind a doughnut casserole.

So endeth the blog post.

Monday Morning Monologue - May 27, 2013

Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.

Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.

Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.

Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.

This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.

President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.

Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.

Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.

A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.

Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.

And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."

That's it!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 15, 2013

President Obama apologized for the apparent bias and discrimination the IRS showed in investigating certain Tea Party groups applying for tax-exempt status, especially since bias and discrimination were the groups' reason for existing.

A construction company in Belize destroyed an ancient Mayan temple for gravel this week. In a related story, a gold-mining firm is planning to demolish the Vatican.

A Hong Kong court just handed down a $70 million judgment against casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. A visibly distraught Adelson wondered aloud after the verdict "will I still have enough money to subvert the democratic process in America?" Only time will tell.

Fort Hood's officer in charge of investigating sexual assault has been relieved of duty, pending an investigation into a sexual assault he was accused of. So, this could take a while. In the meantime, he's been transferred to the irony unit.

Eric Holder defended the Department of Justice's decision to seize phone records from the Associated Press. According to Holder, the FBI was investigating a leak, which is what they'll say when they do it again to find out who leaked this story.

BlackBerry announced plans to target emerging markets in Indonesia and Brazil, in the hopes that no one there has ever heard of a smartphone before.

Google is preparing a new program to compete with the music service Spotify. It's just like Spotify, except when you request a song, it just plays the title over and over.

And finally, the Department of Justice accused Apple of colluding with book publishers to raise the price of ebooks. A spokesman denied the accusation, saying "come on, Apple has never cooperated with anyone on anything."

Toodle-oo!