Monday, August 5, 2013

Monday Morning Monologue - August 5, 2013

Researchers at Lenox Hill Hospital found that people who undergo plastic surgery look younger, but not prettier. So it looks like George Clooney got that scrotum tuck for nothing.

In Rome, protesters rallied outside the home of beleaguered former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who was recently found guilty of tax evasion. It's unclear if they were there to support him or were hoping he would invite them in for a sex party.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe was just reelected in a landslide. Wait, did I say "landslide?" I meant "landfill," as in "Mugabe buried the opposition's votes in a landfill, and no one ever saw them again."

Unicef called on global leaders recently to help promote breastfeeding. Their slogan's campaign is "Breastfeeding is good for mothers, infants, families, and the world. Please support it." It's all true, but that slogan is really a mouthful.

The Japanese space agency just sent a talking robot up to the International Space Station. Fortunately, it is not a sex robot.

In the small town of Dorset, Minnesota, a four year-old boy was reelected to his second term as mayor. And due to budget shortfalls, he's expected to institute the most adorable round of municipal layoffs in the country.

Kuwait's emir just formed a new cabinet this weekend. Well, he didn't actually form the cabinet. It was assembled by foreign guest workers who have no rights to citizenship or representation in the government but can still pay taxes. You know how it is.

And finally, at least ten people were arrested on felony drug charges at Lollapalooza this weekend. They've been charged with felony possession, distribution, and totally over-charging.

That's all!

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