Thursday Morning Monologue - August 11, 2011

Welcome back to the 21st Century! Did you all have fun with your hilarious history trip yesterday? I sure hope so! Since I can write those things in advance, it means I can take a night off, so you'll be visiting another hilarious year next week, too. Twenty-three-skidoo! Okay, here's some "current" jokes for you.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's oldest daughter (that we know of) said in an interview this week that she is "way closer" to Maria. I'm sure Arnold was bummed out, until he realized that he can just have another daughter. In fact, he probably already has.

On Tuesday, an ebook about Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was released, unlike Assange who is in jail! Wait, what? He got out. You'd think someone would have mentioned it. Oh, and blah blah blah hackers brought down Amazon.com... with book orders!

As part of an effort to stop prisoners from issuing online threats while in prison, Facebook is now deleting prisoner profiles. But they can keep their Myspace page.

Bad news from science. It seems that a strain of European mice has developed a resistance to most poisons. The so-called super mice are vulnerable to only two things: mouse Kryptonite, and shoes.

In The Day The Music Died news, Wal-Mart is closing its MP3 store. This is terrible news for all the old guys who worked as greeters for the web store. Maybe Napster will hire them. Because it's old, too.

The hacker group "Anonymous" issued a threat to Facebook, saying they'll bring the site down on November 5th, or as I call it "the day I'll have to actually do my job."

You guys remember China? Chinese artist, dissident and critic Ai Weiwei, recently released from Chinese prison for being ornery, has resumed his vocal criticism of the Chinese government, because he apparently left his lucky toothbrush back in the prison.

And lastly, LeAnn Rimes had her wedding vows turned into a temporary tattoo last week. It's a fitting tribute to the institution of marriage, and how temporary it becomes once LeAnn Rimes gets involved.

That's it! Love it or leave it, people. Feel free to nominate your favorite year for the next Way Back Wednesday. Spencer is in tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday. So rejoice!

And have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 5, 2011

Hot damn! Is it Friday? No, it's Thursday. Rope it in a bit. But not too much, because it's CINCO DE MAYO! If you can, you should go to Taco Mayo today. And then don't make any plans for tomorrow. Okay, prepare to be amused.

In sporting news, ESPN signed an agreement to boost its coverage of the World Series of Poker, unless the NFL lockout gets called off, of course. Because poker isn't a sport. It's a rule, people: if counting is more helpful than steroids, it's not a sport.

Remember Chef Boyardee? Well, his niece is writing a cookbook this year. Spoiler alert: every recipe begins with "find a can opener" and ends with "be disappointed."

According to a recent poll, 60% of American voters would not vote for Sarah Palin or Donald Trump in a presidential race, under any circumstances. The most common reason given by voters: "I'm not an idiot."

In legal news, the US Department of Justice asked the NCAA for information on how the Bowl Championship Series works. Said an NCAA spokesman, "uh, we actually aren't sure. There's probably some math, and favoritism. STATISTICS! Not favoritism, ha ha ha. Please don't print that." Also, it's a bad week to be annoying President Obama.

In other non-sport news, protesters are trying to get Donald Trump removed from the Indy 500 pace car. I don't know. It seems like a natural fit to me. After all, they both spend their time going around in circles, making lots of noise but never really getting anywhere.

In romantic news, Marie Osmond remarried her first husband this weekend. After the ceremony, she reportedly said "wait, I did what? Oh, for cryin' out loud."

Pre-production is getting underway for the next James Bond film, and producers are seeking product placement agreements. There's a rumor that they may sell Donald Trump the role of the egomaniacal villain. A representative for the producers said "It would save us a lot of money on scriptwriting costs. Turns out he's really good at chewing scenery and ad-libing insane, evil nonsense." But then again, they'll probably just have to give it to Jay Leno.

And lastly, L.A. Clippers power forward Blake Griffin was unanimously voted NBA's Rookie of the Year yesterday. Upon learning the news, the 22-year old phenom said "I'd like to thank my team..." before staring off into the distance for just a moment and wistfully repeating "my team. Yeah. The L.A. Clippers. I'm a lucky guy..."

That's all for me this week! I'll be at Clam Broth House tomorrow night in Hoboken, so you should come see me. You should also come back for Spencer and Earnest this weekend for more laughs. 

Congratulations to Blake Griffin, who is far more gracious than I've made him out to be, and I hope you all have a series of great days until next we meet!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 12, 2011

It's been a big day in the news, lots of stuff happened. Let's see if any of it is amusing.

China came under fire recently for cracking down on political and ideological dissidents. The White House issued a condemnation of the crackdown, saying "the Chinese government cannot stifle and oppress its people so harshly. Only Saudi Arabia can do that. So, China needs to get a lot more oil if they expect the rest of the world to stand idly by while a corrupt ruling class exploits the wealth of its country and people."

At a recent event in New Hampshire, when Vice President Joe Biden was asked how he would be assisting the President's re-election campaign he replied "What's that? Re-e-what-ion campaign? Oh, man, I need to read my email."

An accountant who turned his company in to the IRS last year for tax evasion got a reward of $1.4 million this year. He plans to start a non-profit organization devoted to cock-blocking.

In other financial news, Dish Network "won" a recent auction of the beleaguered Blockbuster Video chain, allowing them to finally corner the market in used Jean Claude Van Damme DVDs.

On the Today show last week, entrepreneur and hair pioneer Donald Trump said "I'm with the tea party," in a move that somehow simultaneously undermined the credibility of both Trump and the tea party movement.

The Department of Homeland Security is planning to use Facebook to post terror alerts online in users' news feeds. It's all part of a plan to root out terrorists by rounding up anyone who clicks "Like."

Speaking of terrorizing, a naked man in Florida, armed with an AK-47, opened fire on a robot used by the SWAT team as they tried to subdue him. He refused a lawyer, but did keep asking about Sarah Connor.

Lastly and at last, Pittsburgh Steeler and legendary lady's man Ben Roethlisberger announced last week that he will be tying the knot this summer. Hopefully that's not an allusion to a woman he's keeping tied to a chair in his house. If he is getting married, best of luck to the happy couple. Especially her. And to all you other ladies out there, looks like Pittsburgh just got a little safer.

That's it! Go out and have a great day! Thanks for stopping by, hope you had a laugh and if you did, share it with your friends. They'll think you're "cool." See you tomorrow!