The Greek government said yesterday it is committed to cutting the "bloated" public sector workforce, which is bad news for fat guys working government jobs in Greece.
Michael Jordan got married over the weekend. When asked if this would be his last time, the former NBA champ said "bet on it." Then quickly added "and when you do, can you put me down for twenty grand on the Nets?"
He likes to bet.
Former Afghan President Hamid Karzai confirmed that the CIA used to deliver bags of cash to his office, but reassured his supporters that it was "not nearly enough for any serious graft or corruption."
Engineers building better rescue technologies have paired a rescue dog with a robotic snake to search buildings. Pixar has been working on a film version since 2009.
The European Space Agency announced that it's orbiting telescope "Herschel" is out of commission, after it used up the last of its cooling fluid recently. I would have thought that anything named "Herschel" would just be naturally cool.
The Department of Defense sent additional medical personnel to Guantanamo Bay to assist with the growing hunger strike crisis. Yep, sending more people there seems to be the only tool in our belt on this.
Queen Beatrix of Holland abdicated the throne yesterday. She thanked the Dutch people for their support, and announced she would be pursuing her first love: cage fighting. She's already challenged Pope Benedict to a ladder fight.
And finally, prison officials in the UK announced that prisoners will have to "work much harder" for the privilege of having a television their cells. For instance, they've been ordered to stop stealing television sets.
And that's it!
Later, gater. In a while, crocodile.
Showing posts with label prison. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prison. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2012
Yeah, laugh it up. It's all just a big joke, huh? Well, eight big jokes. Actually, eight small to medium jokes. Read on, MacDuff.
Smashing Pumpkins just announced tour dates. Unfortunately, the dates are not in 1995, so no one gives a shit.
In Taiwan, a senior health administrator caused some drama when he urged men to sit down to pee. The plan also calls for men to hold onto his inside-out pocket when walking in the prison workout yard together.
European scientists are working on a new device used to deaden the nerves in patients. In America, we just make people live in New York for a while. That tends to deaden them right up.
The American Academy of Pediatricians said this week that the benefits of male circumcision outweigh the risks. They didn't go so far as to recommend it in all cases, though. Instead, they said the study is "just a tip."
The childhood home of Muhammad Ali just went up for sale. Shouldn't be on the market too long, however, as the real estate agent confirmed to the press that she is "the greatest" at selling houses.
That's kind of a crap joke. Sorry. Go ahead, ask for your money back.
Shoe scanners at American airports have failed a battery of recent tests, so the TSA is going back to their old standby for scanning shoes: guys with a freaky foot fetish.
A study out of the University of Colorado found that certain types of nose implants caused infections after plastic surgery, which reinforces how important it is to be careful when picking your nose.
And finally, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has pulled the new sitcom The New Normal from their schedule because it depicts a homosexual family. Station owners were worried the program would not conform to their values, or the values of the community. Seems like a real overreaction, though. After all, it's an NBC affiliate. No one was going to see that program anyway.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!
Smashing Pumpkins just announced tour dates. Unfortunately, the dates are not in 1995, so no one gives a shit.
In Taiwan, a senior health administrator caused some drama when he urged men to sit down to pee. The plan also calls for men to hold onto his inside-out pocket when walking in the prison workout yard together.
European scientists are working on a new device used to deaden the nerves in patients. In America, we just make people live in New York for a while. That tends to deaden them right up.
The American Academy of Pediatricians said this week that the benefits of male circumcision outweigh the risks. They didn't go so far as to recommend it in all cases, though. Instead, they said the study is "just a tip."
The childhood home of Muhammad Ali just went up for sale. Shouldn't be on the market too long, however, as the real estate agent confirmed to the press that she is "the greatest" at selling houses.
That's kind of a crap joke. Sorry. Go ahead, ask for your money back.
Shoe scanners at American airports have failed a battery of recent tests, so the TSA is going back to their old standby for scanning shoes: guys with a freaky foot fetish.
A study out of the University of Colorado found that certain types of nose implants caused infections after plastic surgery, which reinforces how important it is to be careful when picking your nose.
And finally, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has pulled the new sitcom The New Normal from their schedule because it depicts a homosexual family. Station owners were worried the program would not conform to their values, or the values of the community. Seems like a real overreaction, though. After all, it's an NBC affiliate. No one was going to see that program anyway.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2011
Welcome to Wednesday. You know, if someone built a bar and called it "Wednesday," and someone burned that bar down late one night when no one was around, I think I'd be okay with that. Anyway, let's all make fun of the "real" world.
The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"
Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.
A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.
Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.
In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!
An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.
In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.
And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."
Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!
See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"
Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.
A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.
Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.
In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!
An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.
In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.
And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."
Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!
See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 9, 2011
It's Thursday. Isn't that funny? Wait, what I meant was "that isn't funny." How about these jokes?
In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.
In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!
The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.
In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...
In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.
Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!
Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"
Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!
Have a great day!
In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.
In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!
The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.
In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...
In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.
Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!
Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"
Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!
Have a great day!
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