Enjoy or don't. It's still gonna be here.
The former captain of the Costa Concordia showed up yesterday for his trial in an Italian court. It was a good day for him, though, because on his way to the court he only killed 12 people.
The Rolling Stones are going on tour for their 50th anniversary, because apparently even their IRAs have gone to hell.
ACLU accused Morgan Stanley of engaging in predatory lending practices. In a related story, they've also accused water of getting people wet.
Felix Baumgarter's free fall from outer space broke viewer records on YouTube, but probably because he sneakily titled the feed "Fat Guy Gets Pwned by Kittens."
North Koreans in China say that life has not improved for average people in North Korea, leading to speculation that Mitt Romney may try for a presidential run.
This year's Nobel Prizes have finally been awarded, so now you can finally find out who won your office Nobel Pool.
Doctors found recently that people who enjoy life tend to live longer than people who don't. So, good news to people who hate their lives. It'll be over soon.
And finally, White House party crasher Michaele Salahi just got engaged to be married. She will not be sending out invitations.
And that's all!
Showing posts with label aclu. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aclu. Show all posts
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 17, 2011
Just when you thought it was going to be Tuesday again, it's Wednesday! Isn't that great? Yes, it is. Okay, and comedy is now!
In Delaware, the ACLU is defending the right of a convicted sex offender to live near a day care center. Said one lawyer, "yeah, I live across town."
In Maryland, a flash mob is being blamed for a 60-second robbery of a 7-11 store. Was it a flash mob, or just really efficient looting? We'll need to review the security footage to check for douchebag hipsters.
Speaking of douchebags, Governor Rick Perry said today that if the Chairman of the Federal Reserve prints more money before the next presidential election, it is tantamount to treason. Also treasonous: anything that helps to stabilize the economy and/or make it easier for President Obama to be reelected. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!
Remember that Rembrandt that was stolen from a California hotel recently? If you don't, go read yesterday's post. Go on, I'll wait. Okay, well police found it yesterday in a nearby church. At least the thieves didn't sell out.
In Forney, Texas, an 11 year-old girl was made Mayor for a day recently. First order of business, she renamed a street for Justin Bieber. Second order of business: get rid of all the Mexicans. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!
In other musical news, the rock group KISS got booted off an upcoming Michael Jackson tribute, presumably because they weren't considered solemn enough for the event. Either that or they had creative differences with the organizer: a chimpanzee. Because Michael loved... oh, never mind.
Speaking of other unspeakables, Casey Anthony's parents will be interviewed next week on the Dr. Phil Show because they haven't suffered enough.
And lastly, there's a rumor going around that Abercrombie & Fitch started bribing the Jersey Shore cast members to stop wearing their clothes. So, does that mean the Jersey Shore jerks are too douchey or not douchey enough?
Alright, those are some jokes. I'd say they're probably average. There will be more tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
In Delaware, the ACLU is defending the right of a convicted sex offender to live near a day care center. Said one lawyer, "yeah, I live across town."
In Maryland, a flash mob is being blamed for a 60-second robbery of a 7-11 store. Was it a flash mob, or just really efficient looting? We'll need to review the security footage to check for douchebag hipsters.
Speaking of douchebags, Governor Rick Perry said today that if the Chairman of the Federal Reserve prints more money before the next presidential election, it is tantamount to treason. Also treasonous: anything that helps to stabilize the economy and/or make it easier for President Obama to be reelected. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!
Remember that Rembrandt that was stolen from a California hotel recently? If you don't, go read yesterday's post. Go on, I'll wait. Okay, well police found it yesterday in a nearby church. At least the thieves didn't sell out.
In Forney, Texas, an 11 year-old girl was made Mayor for a day recently. First order of business, she renamed a street for Justin Bieber. Second order of business: get rid of all the Mexicans. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!
In other musical news, the rock group KISS got booted off an upcoming Michael Jackson tribute, presumably because they weren't considered solemn enough for the event. Either that or they had creative differences with the organizer: a chimpanzee. Because Michael loved... oh, never mind.
Speaking of other unspeakables, Casey Anthony's parents will be interviewed next week on the Dr. Phil Show because they haven't suffered enough.
And lastly, there's a rumor going around that Abercrombie & Fitch started bribing the Jersey Shore cast members to stop wearing their clothes. So, does that mean the Jersey Shore jerks are too douchey or not douchey enough?
Alright, those are some jokes. I'd say they're probably average. There will be more tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
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