December 14, 2018: Guilty by (National Rifle) Association

Let's get to the jokes!

In justice news, a man who sexually assaulted a woman while on a commercial flight has been sentenced to nine years in prison, and another three years waiting in LaGuardia's security line.

Speaking of airlines, a human heart was recently found in the cabin on a Southwest flight. And you thought the guy eating a plate of salmon from "Chili's To-Go" was the most disgusting thing on your flight.

The state of California is exploring a plan to start taxing text messages. At first I was like "LOL srsly?" and then I was like "FML."

Kate Middleton recently shocked tourists who saw her driving herself into Buckingham Palace. Not sure why that's a big deal.

Just another day for the royals. 

Jennifer Aniston just revealed who it is that doesn't want a Friends reunion: people who own televisions.

Steph Curry reportedly doesn't think we landed on the Moon, so now I guess next year we should expect to see Joe Rogan join the Warriors' starting lineup.

Former judge (impeached) and failed Senate candidate Roy Moore, who was interviewed (and mercilessly mocked) on Sacha Baron Cohen's Who Is America? program, has claimed that the producers used fraud to gain his consent. Moore came to this conclusion after recently learning the word "consent."

Presidential "son" Donald Trump Jr. has revealed that his father, the President, is a "re-gifter." According to Junior, the President is always passing off stuff he doesn't want, kind of like the indictments he'll be passing along to his children for Christmas.

And now, let's get into this Russian spy stuff.

Maybe you've heard about "Maria Butina," and you thought "is that Alison Brie's character's stage name in GLOW?

Now shooting Season Three! Now shooting literally everything!

If only. Turns out she's a damn spy for the Russians.

Remember in Red Dawn when the Soviets invaded and the Brat Pack had to fight them off with their legally obtained and owned home arsenals of rifles and pistols? Well, thank God for the National Rifle Association, because without them and their protection of personal gun ownership rights, that movie wouldn't have made any sense. It would've just been an incoherent mess with no sense of history, international relations, or military reality.

Yeah, like that.

Yeah, like that.

But as they say, you either die a hero (Charlie Sheen in Red Dawn) or live long enough to become a villain (Charlie Sheen in everything since Red Dawn), because now we see that the great savior of American freedom, the NRA, was invaded and compromised by Butina, who just plead guilty to a bunch of espionage charges (Wolverines?) and now it looks like she used the NRA to funnel millions of dollars of Russian money into the 2016 election, in violation of US law. And no amount of shiny replacement phalluses will ever erase that stain on the NRA.

We've somehow dishonored the legacy of C. Thomas Howell and his pseudo-phallus.

Later!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 22,2013

After being nominated for the job of Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel personally contacted all one hundred U.S. Senators to help secure his confirmation to the post, which explains why no one else wants the job.

Speaking of jobs, Charlie Sheen said he wants to return to Two and a Half Men, which means he's either no longer on drugs, or more drugs than ever before. Either way, he needs to work on the formula.

A Russian court decided against overturning the prison sentence handed down for Pussy Riot, instead opting to keep them in the box a little longer.

A new study found that twice as many people are going to the emergency room because of energy drinks as they were just six years ago. And we can all agree that an increase like that is EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another study found a link between fast food consumption and increased asthma and allergies in children. Also, the study found no correlation between Happy Meals and depression.

In Florida, a teenager was arrested for giving wedgies to other teens and adults. In a related story, he's going to find prison the be hilarious.

At the President's inauguration yesterday, attendees booed Rep. Paul Ryan, showing that political elites are still in touch with mainstream America.

And finally, scientists are searching for and "adventurous woman" willing to have a baby created with recovered Neanderthal DNA. Well, if someone is willing to have a baby with Kid Rock...

And that's it!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2012

Some more jokes, perhaps? Yes, my pretties. Have your fill.

NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.

At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.

Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.

In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”

A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.

The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.

A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.

And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:

"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."

You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2012

Snap into a topical joke blog! Ooh, yeah! That's one spicy humor blog! I'm not good at advertising, or banter this week. But then again... jokes!

Barbara Walters apologized this week for helping an aide to Syria's Monster-in-Chief, Bashar Assad, who was trying to get a job in America. But then again, she said the same thing about Debbie Matenopoulos. 

Yesterday, the Olympic flame entered Dublin, Ireland. Several hours later, it slowly stumbled out, looking for eggs and hash.

Restaurant chain Taco Bell is trying to combat its image as a cheap, late-night fast food spot. So, they're introducing upscale items to the menu, hoping to give customers a classier diarrhea experience.

Actor and life-coach Charlie Sheen told Rolling Stone in an interview this week that he "was in total denial" in his life until recently, but has finally come to his senses. And by that, he means he finally admits that Two and a Half Men was a terrible show. Oh, and probably something about not doing cocaine, I would guess.

Mitt Romney's personal email may have been hacked. Friends and family became suspicious when they started receiving emails from the former Governor that were logically coherent and full of factually correct information.

Hey, music fans! Ziggy Stardust just turned 40 years old! But that's only 21 in Martian Spider years.

Technology news now! A hacker claimed yesterday to have stolen 6.5 million passwords from the LinkedIn social networking site. Industry experts doubt the claim, though, as clearly there have never been 6.5 million LinkedIn users.

And finally, in other tech news, Ironfire Capital founder Eric Jackson said yesterday that Facebook will disappear in a few years. He's also very optimistic about his genital herpes clearing up any time now.

</ha ha ha> until tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 12, 2012

No time to waste! JOKES x 8 = BONUS ROUND!

Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...

Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."

Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.

He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.

Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time

Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.

The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.

Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."

Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.

And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"

That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!

Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com

Monday Morning Monologue - December 5, 2011

Hey, happy Monday, and happy End of Prohibition Day! On this day in 1933, Prohibition ended, legalizing the sale and possession of alcoholic beverages in the United States. It would be the last time America wasted its time, money and energy on an unwinnable war against human desires. Glad that's over. Okay, back to today. What happened this weekend? Who knows!

Speaking of prohibition, a man in Deltona, Florida, was arrested after trying to order drugs at a Burger King. So much for having it your way. In a related story, there are no Taco Bell locations in Deltona, Florida.

In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a woman was arrested after a routine traffic stop when she revealed she had two crack pipes hidden between her butt cheeks. Look like someone took the name "crack" too literally.

In Saudi Arabia, a conservative religious group predicted that if women are allowed to drive, there will be no virgins in the country within ten years. It should be noted that this assertion was made after watching Grease and is, of course, based upon the premise that Saudi Arabian women are insatiable whores.

A government study in England found that "anger at police" was a major cause of the country's riots earlier this year. The study also found that water is wet.

Two Chinese Pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, this weekend. Their move to Edinburgh serves as a stern warning to other Pandas that they'd better behave, or they might end up in Scotland.

A new company is offering toy rentals this holiday season, just like Netflix's DVD-by-mail service. Parents can queue up toys for their kids and send back toys their done with so other kids can play with them. A similar program was scrapped by Adam & Eve.

On Facebook, a condom company is creating profiles for fake, yet-to-be-conceived children to try and sell condoms. If they really want their marketing to go viral, they should be sending out invites from Syphilis' account.

And finally, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was arrested in Aspen for assault and cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Looks like someone wants to reconcile!

Buzzer. We're out of time, kiddos. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day! (and maybe a cocktail)

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 13, 2011

It's finally Thursday, everyone! No sketch this week, just some good old fashioned topical humor. "Enjoy!"

Yesterday, email service on the popular Blackberry devices went down for several hours, forcing angry customers to actually pay attention to their surroundings and, in some dire circumstances, children.

In happier news, the Chrysler Motor Company reached a labor agreement with the United Auto Workers union, keeping them on the job and averting a strike. In a rare double-whammy agreement, the UAW also agreed to play the first two weeks of games for the NBA season this year.

In Detroit, the so-called "Underpants bomber" plead guilty at trial yesterday. He remained defiant, however. When asked if he had any regrets about the attempted bombing, he told the judge to "blow it out your ass."

Medical news: scientists have recreated the genetic code of the Black Death, the virulent form of bubonic plague that killed a third of Europe's population several hundred years ago. Said one scientist, "pretty cool, right? Not sure what we're going to do with it. Man, sure hope that beaker doesn't fall over and break. Am I right!?"

Musician and poet Bob Dylan is taking up the bagpipes. A piece of advice: please don't go electric with this one.

The celebrity gossip blog TMZ is now offering a shame tour of Los Angeles for only $49. The bus tour will take tourists through all disgusting, sordid stories of Hollywood. It will also, quite likely, serve as a taxi service for Charlie Sheen.

Sony recalled some of their flatscreen TVs after owners noticed the units started smoking. Sony is investigating the problem, but early rumors attribute the problem to "peer pressure."

And lastly, a Google software engineer ripped the Google+ social networking platform, calling it a "complete failure." Fortunately he did it on Google+, so no one saw it.

And so it ends for me this week. Come back for some Spencer Hicks goodness tomorrow. I'll be back on Monday.

Til then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 21, 2011

Hey, thanks Spencer for filling in yesterday. I heard a rumor about the perfect under... never mind. Best not to dwell on what might have been. But now I'm back, and this time, it's personal. Well, actually, it's pretty impersonal when you think about it. I mean, I'm not really telling you anything about myself. It's all pretty generic. Anybody could be telling these jokes. They would just have to pay me for them, and for others that I would surely write day after day. Hint. HINT. I assume that the 26 people reading this blog are all in the late night comedy writing business. Right? Anyway...

Rumors are circulating about a "major" redesign of Facebook in the near future because, according to a spokesman, "we haven't pissed users off in the last few weeks."

"Popular" web mail service Yahoo.com apologized yesterday for sending an unknown number of emails about an upcoming Wall Street protest straight into users' SPAM folders. In Yahoo's defense, it was called the "Canad1an Pharmacy HUGE BOOBS buy g0ld protest."

U.S. attorneys alleged yesterday that Full Tilt Poker, a gambling website, was misusing money wagered by players. This startling news was revealed by the special Obvious Crimes Unit.

A London man stabbed for defending a pregnant woman and an elderly person from a youth gang said he had "no regrets" and would "do it again," before adding "well, everything but the 'getting stabbed' part. I'd probably dodge or something if I did it again."

Netflix announced late Sunday that they would be splitting their online streaming service and DVD rental service into two companies as part of their "earn less money" strategy. Did they just get bought by NBC?

Google opened the new Google+ service to all users this week, so now everyone can sign up for an account and then do absolutely nothing with it.

Did you watch the Charlie Sheen roast on Comedy Central Monday night? I decided to watch homeless guys fight over some stale bread because it made me feel slightly less horrible. Seriously, roasting Charlie Sheen right now is like standing by a cancer patient's bed and crackin' jokes while they refuse chemo. I heard Tyson was good, though.

And lastly, a study found that films depicting people smoking make young people more likely to smoke. Hollywood, are you listening? You know what you have to do: start making movies about people who pull their pants all the way up, listen to decent music and don't watch Jersey Shore. Use your power wisely!

That's all for now. Hope your Wednesday is glorious. See you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2011

There's only one Emmy joke in here. If that's what you came for, then you'll be disappointed. Just like the people who watched the Emmys, probably. Okay, let's get to it.

At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.

Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.

Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.

Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.

Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.

An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.

That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?

Okay.

In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?

And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?

That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 3, 2011

What's got eight jokes and no banter? This blog!

Allegations surfaced yesterday that the Newt Gingrich campaign purchased fake Twitter followers to make the candidate appear more popular than he really is. I prefer to think he's just doing really well among people with private photo galleries and iPad giveaways. Also, they might try purchasing some fake campaign staff while they're at it.

This week the U.S. Coast Guard found a disabled submarine in the Caribbean with 7.5 tons of cocaine aboard. A visibly distraught Charlie Sheen asked "wait a minute, was it blue with white pinstripes?! No? Oh, okay."

Also this week, Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords returned to Congress to cast her vote for the bill to raise the debt limit and cut federal spending by two trillion dollars over the next ten years. She voted for the bill, despite her earlier comment that "this economy needs more spending cuts like I need another... well, you know."

I apologize for the construction of that joke, but not the content.

In China, the popular video game Angry Birds has taken off with Chinese gamers. It's just like the American version, except if the birds get too angry, they get arrested.

Speaking of criminals, Venezuela is releasing 40% of all its prisoners as part of a cost-saving initiative. The government assured the people that there's no threat to public safety, as most of the prisoners weren't guilty of anything, anyway.

In entertainment news, Joe Pesci is suing the producers of a film about John Gotti. Pesci says he gained 30 pounds after the producers promised him the role of Gotti, then changed their minds, leaving him, in effect fat and unemployed. In a related story, Rob Reiner wishes he'd thought of that excuse.

Talk show icon Oprah Winfrey is returning to television this fall. There's no word yet if she'll be taking Conan's time slot or not.

And lastly, an unidentified man jumped over the White House fence and was taken into custody by Secret Service agents. President Obama said he's willing to listen to the man's demands and negotiate a deal.

</jokes>

Come back tomorrow, and have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 20, 2011

Knock knock.

Who's there?

A bunch of jokes.

The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.

The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.

In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...

Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.

In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.

Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...

In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.

And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.

That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!

And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 30, 2011

Can I interest you in some Thursday? How about a series of jokes? COMMENCE FRIVOLITY!

So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?

Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.

The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).

This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.

In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!

Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.

A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.

And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"

That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2011

Okay, it's Tuesday. Nothing you can do about it, so you might as well laugh. To that end, may I interest you in some jokes?

McDonald's announced it is hiring 50,000 new workers as part of a planned expansion across America. The news sent stock prices skyrocketing for companies that manufacture fat pants.

Speaking of fat pants, looks like Kevin Smith dodged a bullet when he got booted off a Southwest flight for being overweight, as it turns out their planes are made of fatigued steel and good intentions. Not a great place for a big guy.

In television news news, CBS anchor Katie Couric is leaving the network to pursue her first love: undergoing colonoscopies and making people watch the video.

President Obama announced this weekend he is seeking reelection. It's great that he's taken on the work of campaigning, because he's had way too much free time lately.

A rumor is circulating that princess-to-be Kate Middleton may have to sign a prenup agreement. When reached for comment, Prince William simply said "I ain't no chump."

In Kazakhstan, President Nazarbayev won a completely fair and transparent election recently, taking 95.5% of the vote. In a related story, 4.5% of Kazakhstani people just got really nervous.

After a disastrous opening night in Detroit, Charlie Sheen's not-at-all-insane live tour got rave reviews in Chicago. Why? Because he's bi-polar. He's mentally ill, and he needs help.

Lastly, a record was set this past week for modern Chinese art, when a Chinese artist sold a triptych of paintings for $10 million. It was originally a tetrad, but censors confiscated the fourth painting. Because they're totalitarian!

Okay, that's all from me. Keep slogging away, friends! Share the "joy" with your friends and acquaintances and come back for more tomorrow! And as always, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2011

Welcome back, everyone! Did you have great weekend? Well, it's over now. Perhaps some jokes will make the day fly by. Let's see!

In Vietnam, an endangered giant turtle was captured and given medical treatment this weekend. Over fifty volunteers and doctors spent hours working to get the sacred turtle to a special turtle hospital on a nearby island for treatment. Next, these guys are going to try and get Charlie Sheen to see a psychiatrist.

In royal wedding news, Prince William said that he won't be wearing a wedding ring. Well, that should make it easier for him to cheat on his wife.

Prince William also admitted to having pre-wedding jitters, which is pretty smart considering how these things tend to work out in his family.

Elsewhere in England, chanteuse Susan Boyle turned 50 years old on Friday, putting her friends and family in the awkward position of singing "Happy Birthday" to Susan Boyle. No pressure.

Speaking of music, John Mellencamp, whose musical career has chronicled the death of rural America, is working on a musical with Stephen King, whose literary career has chronicled horrific deaths in rural America. It's sure to be the feel good hit of the season. And it'll probably open before Turn Off The Dark.

Speaking of musicians writing, Billy Joel decided to cancel work on his barely-anticipated memoir last week. A representative from Borders said "damn, we were counting on that to save our stores. No, I'm just kidding. No one gives a shit what Billy Joel has to say. Hey, while you're here, wanna buy a shelf?"

In Florida, a missing teenager found hiding in a meth lab bit a police office who tried to bring her out of the house. Fortunately, her teeth were all rotted out from meth, so no one was hurt.

Lastly, Republican Congressional leaders announced a plan to cut four trillion dollars from the federal budget. The plan involves printing on both sides of paper in all federal offices, and defunding NPR eighty thousand times.

Okay, that's all from me today. Tell your friends and repost this like it's a dancing cat that just came from the dentist on Friday. Come back tomorrow for more stuff like this stuff, and until then, have a great day!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - March 6, 2011

Gas is nearing four dollars a gallon, and you know what that means. An increase in high-speed foot chases through L.A.

A guy in California plead guilty to attempted murder for driving thirty-five miles with his wife clinging to the hood of his minivan. He was driving 100 mph, which was the really shocking part. 100 mph in a minivan? It was the first time he was ever not embarrassed to be seen driving a minivan. The most important thing we can learn from this harrowing tale is that apparently a hood ornament wife is the poor man’s trophy wife.

We got the best unemployment news in several years, this week, which was Charlie Sheen joining Twitter and starting his own webshow.

Fashion designer John Galliano checked himself into rehab after making anti-semitic remarks. I guess this explains his show at fashion week where he just sent a bunch of white hoodies down the runway. Galliano’s first sign that he had a problem and needed to check himself into rehab was that he was slurring whenever he spoke... about Jews.

The NFL owners and the players’ union agreed to a week-long extension on negotiations on Friday. One of the many issues at stake for the players is just how far above the law they’ll be allowed to operate off the field. The owners want to be able to look the other way just for superstars, and the union wants to get more of the rookies and lower-tier players impunity for despicable behavior.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 2, 2011

It's Wednesday! And what a wonderful Wednesday it's gonna be!

Actress and human-incubator Natalie Portman responded to the video of fashion designer John Galliano making anti-Semitic remarks by saying she was "disgusted." That's a harsh criticism coming from someone who was in all three Star Wars prequels.

At the Vanity Fair Oscar party, actress and slap-dispenser Joan Collins was rushed to the hospital after feeling faint. The culprit? Her dress was too tight. Happy Women's History Month, everybody!

In London, a Libyan diplomat recently expressed sorrow over recent events and was quoted as saying "I think we realize that he's crazy, but we have no alternative. We have no ways to get rid of him until now." He then clarified, "No, I'm talking about Colonel Gaddafi, not Charlie Sheen. Leave that poor man alone!"

In a related story, Nelly Furtado announced she will be giving away $1million she earned from a private performance for the Gaddafi family. The money will now be used to help pay the salaries of Two and a Half Men crew members.

In other Gadaffi news, Saif Gadaffi has been charged with plagiarizing parts of his dissertation, which puts him in danger of losing his Ph.D. The embattled scholar responded by saying, "that's just great! What else can go wrong? Oh, right."

In American politics, Newt Gingrich appears to be gearing up for a Presidential run in 2012. Pundits and analysts say he has a good chance, but he will have to overcome the fact that he's Newt Gingrich.

Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication yesterday. Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Britney Spears stared wistfully out a window and thought of days gone by.

Finally, the Department of the Interior issued a permit for deep water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time since the BP catastrophe last year. A government spokesman explained, "look, I know we've had trouble in the past, but they've changed! It'll be different this time. We're going to be so happy together..." A nearby oil executive added, "that's right, baby. This is a truly great moment for people with no understanding of history. Now let's go make some money!"

Alright, that's it. You like this business? I hope so. Go ahead and share us on your social networking site of choice, or just email us to all the people who keep sending you email forwards. Let us know what you like, what you hate and what you want see made fun of. And keep coming back for the jokes every day (although you can skip Saturday) and have a great Wednesday!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2011

Happy Tuesday, everybody. I've got some jokes for you.

In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."

Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on TMZ.com and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."

In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!

In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.

On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.

A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.

In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.

Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.

That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!

Monday Morning Monologue - February 28, 2011

Alright, let's get February over with.

Chestnust Hill College, a private Catholic school in Pennsylvania, fired an openly gay priest this week for making comments about his homosexuality. A spokesman for the school explained, saying "uh, yes, he was fired because he was openly gay. Duh! We can't have that. We really don't care what he, or any other Church employee, does in his own time, when no one is watching them. But the Church has a certain standard of behavior and repression to maintain, thank you very much."

In a related story, a nun was removed from her order because she was spending too much time on Facebook. "Next time," she said, "I'll stick with Myspace. No way will anyone spend too much time there!" Also, it seems that the Catholic Church has finally got its priorities properly sorted out.

In international news, the United Nations Security Council voted 15-0 to invoke sanctions against Libya. If this doesn't convince Gadaffi to give it up, nothing will.

In happier news, Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh tied the knot this weekend in New York. This is the fourth marriage for Grammer, who said of the event "this wedding was just so much fun! I can't wait until my next one!"

Speaking of breakups, cable news host Kathleen Parker is leaving the CNN show Parker-Spitzer. Sources close to the show indicate that Parker really just underestimated how much she hates Elliott Spitzer.

A recent piece in the New York Times reports that blogs are quickly becoming passe; and that Twitter and Tumblr are cool now. Oh, and newspapers. Newspapers are totally cool, too. Unfortunately, no one read the story, because it was in a newspaper.

A burglar was arrested this week after posting photographs of himself with stolen goods on the original owners' Facebook page. After his arrest, he told the press, "my one mistake was sending proof of the crime and my identity to the victim. Oh, but hindsight is always 20/20, right?

Speaking of 20/20, notable cad Charlie Sheen has reneged on his promise to give his story exclusively to 20/20, and has recorded an interview with NBC. The UN Security Council condemned his actions by a vote of 15-0. That'll show him.

That's all for now. Check back tomorrow to see what happened today. Email us to your friends, post us on Twitter and Facebook (although clearly not Myspace) and as always, share your thoughts via the magic of comments. Thanks!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 22, 2011

Oh, happy Tuesday to all you people reading this. Perhaps you'd like to hear some jokes?

Former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbechev criticized Vladimir Putin yesterday, accusing him of "incredible conceit." Putin responded by calling Gorbechev a "national hero," saying "his passing is a great tragedy, and he will be missed. Rest in peace." He then whispered "hint, hint" to a man standing nearby in the shadows.

In other international news, a group of men in Zimbabwe were accused of plotting against President Mugabe and arrested for watching the news. Thankfully we live in a place where that wouldn't happen, because we've all chosen to ignore the news. Also, it's been rumored that the men were actually watching The Jersey Shore but would rather go to prison than admit it.

In business news, Blockbuster Video may be coming out of bankruptcy, thanks to a rumored $209 million buyout. A spokesman for Blockbuster said "yeah, we're as surprised as you are. Whatever happens, don't tell these guys about the Internet!"

An Egyptian couple recently named their baby "Facebook." This actually has less to do with the role played by social networking in the Egyptian revolution, and more to do with the fact that this baby is covered with targeted advertising.

Elsewhere in Egypt, former President Mubarak's assets have been frozen, which explains why he's been spotted recently wearing a shirt that says "I oppressed 18 million people for 30 years and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Gadaffi said he wouldn't be caught dead in one.

In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker continues to have trouble with the various unions in the state. He is also worried about the sudden influx of Egyptians immigrating to the area.

In Florida, a mother forced her son to wear a sign announcing his 1.22 GPA to the world. Some people are raising concerns that the child is being humiliated or bullied needlessly, but it turns out he actually has no idea what's going on.

Lastly, 164 drug addicts escaped from a Vietnamese treatment facility this week. They're scheduled to be at Charlie Sheen's place by Friday.

That's it for today! If you liked this, please let your friends know! Repost us on Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz (whatever it is) or just email us to anyone at all. And please leave some feedback, good or bad, below. Thanks, and have a wonderful Tuesday!

Monday Morning Monologue - February 21, 2011

Anybody working today? Anybody pretending to be working today? Yeah, that's more like it. Here's some jokes for you.

This weekend Blake Griffin jumped over a Toyota to land a slam dunk, proving once again that while Toyota's have great resale value and get amazing mileage, they're useless under the net.

In business news, Groupon is looking to expand into China to capitalize on the large numbers of consumers in the population. They're going to be pretty upset when they find out China just outlawed large gatherings of people.

In other upsetting news, the new film version of The Great Gatsby is rumored to be shot in 3D. When asked why, the director explained "this story is an American classic, but we just felt there should be more stuff flying out at the audience."

For her most recent film, producers turned Natalie Portman into a "homely" girl, because apparently they couldn't stomach the idea of hiring an actress who was actually average-looking. "It's just too depressing to think about someone not being pretty," said a source close to the production, adding "what is this supposed to be, theater? British theater?!"

Speaking of British theater, invitations for the upcoming royal wedding went out this weekend. If you didn't get one, it's likely because you're a commoner. A filthy, filthy commoner. Also, you're probably not inbred.

In entertainment news, CNN hired Camille Grammer to provide coverage and commentary on the Oscars this year, presumably because Triumph is still under contract with NBC.

Back in England, an opera recently opened based upon the life and death of Anna Nicole Smith. The author and creator previously turned the life of Jerry Springer into an acclaimed opera. After opening night he reportedly said "I've got a good feeling about Charlie Sheen."

Lastly, Facebook expanded their options for relationship status, adding in civil unions and domestic partnerships. Still missing is the "Relationship? Wow, um, I don't know. Maybe it is. Why what have you heard?"

That's all for now. Hope you have a great week!