Monday Morning Monologue - February 21, 2011

Anybody working today? Anybody pretending to be working today? Yeah, that's more like it. Here's some jokes for you.

This weekend Blake Griffin jumped over a Toyota to land a slam dunk, proving once again that while Toyota's have great resale value and get amazing mileage, they're useless under the net.

In business news, Groupon is looking to expand into China to capitalize on the large numbers of consumers in the population. They're going to be pretty upset when they find out China just outlawed large gatherings of people.

In other upsetting news, the new film version of The Great Gatsby is rumored to be shot in 3D. When asked why, the director explained "this story is an American classic, but we just felt there should be more stuff flying out at the audience."

For her most recent film, producers turned Natalie Portman into a "homely" girl, because apparently they couldn't stomach the idea of hiring an actress who was actually average-looking. "It's just too depressing to think about someone not being pretty," said a source close to the production, adding "what is this supposed to be, theater? British theater?!"

Speaking of British theater, invitations for the upcoming royal wedding went out this weekend. If you didn't get one, it's likely because you're a commoner. A filthy, filthy commoner. Also, you're probably not inbred.

In entertainment news, CNN hired Camille Grammer to provide coverage and commentary on the Oscars this year, presumably because Triumph is still under contract with NBC.

Back in England, an opera recently opened based upon the life and death of Anna Nicole Smith. The author and creator previously turned the life of Jerry Springer into an acclaimed opera. After opening night he reportedly said "I've got a good feeling about Charlie Sheen."

Lastly, Facebook expanded their options for relationship status, adding in civil unions and domestic partnerships. Still missing is the "Relationship? Wow, um, I don't know. Maybe it is. Why what have you heard?"

That's all for now. Hope you have a great week!