Okay, so here are some jokes.
In celebrity news, police responded to a break-in at the house of Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi. They found a disoriented young woman in the home, but it turned out to not be Lindsay Lohan.
The Grammys aired on CBS on Sunday, bringing in the audience highest for the show in the last 11 years. However, that number is still a fraction of the number of people downloading illegal copies of "Born This Way" on Sunday night.
Before the Grammys, a local CBS reporter covering the red carpet became briefly disoriented and spoke incoherently on the air. She has since been accused of plagiarism by Glenn Beck.
During the show, Christina Aguilera fell onstage, which was just seven days after she botched the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, which means that someone is totally getting their money's worth out of that gypsy curse.
A medical study revealed that energy drinks are bad for small children. A parallel study of Youtube videos found those same children to be hilarious when given Red Bull.
In sports news, Tiger Woods was fined in Dubai for spitting during a tournament this weekend. Thankfully he apologized quickly, or else his public image could have been seriously damaged. Oh, and he was also spitting on a hooker. I mentioned that, right?
Elsewhere in the Arab world, the Egyptian military has declared martial law, much to the dismay of pro-democracy protesters. When pressed for comment, a spokesman said "we're the military. Martial is the only law we have."
At the CPAC rally this weekend, Rep. Ron Paul won a Presidential straw poll, making him the Esperanza Spalding to Mitt Romney's Justin Bieber. What's that? You didn't get that one? Maybe that's because nobody cares about the Grammys.
Lastly, laughing gas is coming back into use for women giving birth, so we'll soon have lots of stories that begin with "remember when I laughed so hard a person shot out of my vagina?" Thank you, science.
That's it! See you tomorrow!
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