Hey, it's February! Oh, wait, this month kinda sucks. Maybe it will be better with some jokes?
In Moscow this week, five hundred protesters gathered to protest against the rule of Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. A visibly irritated Putin confided to aides "I hate these protesters! I wish I could just throw those jerks in a prison somewhere... oh, hey, wait. I can do that! I LOVE ABUSING POWER!"
As protests continued to rage in Egypt, the bond rating agency Moody's cut Egypt debt rating, amid fears that the country will default on its debt. In other news, analysts can find no cause for the anti-American anger brewing in the developing world.
In Cairo, the Egyptian security services ordered the offices of Al Jazeera closed and took the network off the air. Even so, it's still beating CNN.
In other non-American news, a Japanese town was covered in soot and ash from a nearby volcano this weekend, causing breathing and visibility difficulties for confused residents who briefly thought they had woken up in China.
In celebrity news, David Arquette was released from rehab yesterday. He's not cured, though, as it turns out that he was discharged early because the clinic staff just couldn't stand him.
Speaking of rehab, Charlie Sheen is back in one. His popular sitcom has been put on production hiatus, which may end up costing CBS $250million. Who would have guessed that making a raging drug addict the lynchpin of your continued financial success could be such a risky move?
In automotive news, Toyota is recalling 1.7 million cars worldwide, a process they're getting really good at. The cars are being recalled to fix leaking fuel lines, which might have come in handy last year when drivers couldn't get their cars to stop.
In entertainment news, Kim Kardashian is reportedly distraught that W magazine showed a picture of her bare breasts, covered in silver paint. When reminded that a sex tape leaked of her performing oral sex, Ms. Kardashian replied "yeah, but at least I wasn't topless! You can totally see my whole nipple!" Hoping to capitalize on the media attention paid to this story, the E! network has offered a reality show to her right nipple.
That's it. I feel a bit dirty now.
If you liked these 8ish jokes, tell your friends! And don't forget to weigh in on this week's ridiculous poll question and let us know how you're doing.
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