Earnest's Weekend Monologue - February 6, 2011

It's been quite a week what with all the upheaval in Egypt and, domestically, my new haircut. ​

Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak is receiving pressure from all sides to step down from his post as President of Egypt. It's made him wistful for the past. He just keeps asking "Whatever happened to the good old days when a person could work one place his whole career until he was ready to retire?​" A spokesman for the President insists "Mubarak wants to leave office, but have you seen the traffic in the streets? There are people everywhere! We're probably just going to hang out here and wait for traffic to get better in a couple hours to a couple decades."

Politics in Egypt are crazy right now, but politics in America are insane. Sarah Palin filed to trademark her name and image this week. She's hoping to get approved in time to market her signature line of school supplies ​and educational materials for Back To School. When it comes to education, go with the name you trust: Sarah Palin. I'm kidding. She's really hoping to market a new Sarah Palin board game. An old man rolls the dice, and then Sarah Palin gets to move all the way to the head of the Republican Party.​

This week Google accused Microsoft's Bing of copying its search results after setting up a search-based sting operation. Microsoft responded by accusing Bing of copying its search results after setting up a search-based sting operation.

Scientists have discovered that dogs are better at smelling Colorectal cancer than blood tests are at finding it. Said the scientists, "Apparently, dogs are exceptionally good at sniffing butts. Who knew?" I guess all these years dogs have been giving each other free cancer screenings. So that explains that, but what are they looking for in your crotch?

And finally Lindsay Lohan is in trouble, again. Honestly. She has 1.6 million followers on Twitter, and I bet half of them are law enforcement. Allegedly, she stole a necklace from a jeweler in Venice Beach. Professionals see this as Lilo "acting out." They say it's a desperate cry for jewelry.​ She's had a hard life. It's hard for kids who grow up in front of the camera... taking mug shots.​