In sports news, Florida International University short stop Garret Wittels will be playing this season despite the fact that he is facing charges of sexual assault. Apparently he's confused "college short stop" with "Quarterback for the Steelers."
Google announced it will offer a digital subscription service for newspapers, just like Apple, but will do so at a 10% discount in an attempt to undercut Apple. Industry insiders say this is just the beginning of the battle to see who can lose the most money in newspapers.
In music news, the cast of Glee surpassed Elvis Presley for the most Hot 100 singles. This means that in 30 years we'll be debating whether to put "Skinny Artie" or "Fat Artie" on a postage stamp.
Elsewhere, Kailyn Lowry, one of the stars of Teen Mom 2, crashed her car, sustaining minor injuries. Looks like she's just prone to little accidents.
In legal news, California prison officials are trying to keep prisoners from making unauthorized calls with cell phones, so they gave them all AT&T iPhones.
In the world of education, Washington University is now offering a class in flirting. It's part of their new MRS program.
In retail news, Borders Bookstores is entering bankruptcy reorganization and will be closing 200 of its stores, forcing thousands of its loyal customers to go elsewhere to walk around and not buy any books.
Lastly, the Los Angeles Lakers finalized negotiations for their television coverage plan, which cut free TV completely. When asked to explain the decision, which will leave many of the Lakers' less fortunate fans unable to watch the games, a spokesman for the team said "Poor people? F##k poor people."
Well, that's it for me this week. Come back tomorrow for Friday's with Spencer and Sunday for Earnest's Weekend Edition.
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