Fridays with Spencer: Genetically Proven to be Your Father

A bill introduced in the Kansas House would require every newborn in the state to be genetically tested to identify the child’s father. State Rep. Melody McCray Miller, a Democrat from Wichita, says the bill is intended to make sure no Kansans end up on Maury Povich.

Borders, the second-largest bookstore chain in the U.S., filed for bankruptcy protection and will close 200 of its stores, according to the company. A spokesman for Borders said, "Well, apparently all that talk from Republican's about 'protecting our Borders' was shit."

Gay columnist Dan Savage announced a contest to use Senator Rick Santorum’s name as a nasty sexual nickname, which has now become the top search result for anyone who googles the name. As Santorum ponders a run at the White House, that could be a problem as voters start to search for info on the contender. Santorum said, "I'm upset, but am not too worried, most voters just use the internet to stroke their Santorum. Are the kids still saying that?"

Justin Bieber said in an interview with Rolling Stone, "I don't really believe in abortion." Which makes him the world's first misogynist lesbian.

Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is refusing to condemn a state proposal to honor a former KKK leader and Confederate general with a license plate. "I don't go around denouncing people. That's not going to happen. Well, I denounce Obama, but he is a black asshole."

Sen. Scott Brown revealed on 60 Minutes that he was the victim of child abuse, at the hands of both his stepfather and a camp counselor. "It was terrible," he said, "they made me do awful things with my Santorum."