Monday Morning Monologue - February 7, 2011

Did anyone else spend last night watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix and forget that the Super Bowl was on? Nope? Just me? Okay. Well, let's have some jokes.

In our top story, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak got some words of support from former Vice President Dick Cheney, who called Mubarak "a good friend." Mubarak responded by assuring the Egyptian people "I have no idea who that is."

Tickets went on sale this weekend for the San Diego Comic Con, and the sudden spike in traffic crashed the company's website. A spokesman for the event said "we're trying like hell, but we just can't seem to find anyone on staff who understands computers! We need geeks, but all we've got are nerds!"

Bank of America announced that it has settled a class action lawsuit over abusive overdraft fees. The bank agreed to a $410 million settlement, although the company may get some of that money back if the checks bounce. Wait, that doesn't make sense.

In Iran, state television has banned all cooking shows that feature foreign recipes and cuisine. Now the Iranian people will never know who won this season of Top Chef. Experts say Tehran will be burning within a week.

In other television news, TNT is extending the final season of The Closer. They're also renaming it The Lingerer. In a shocking and related story, people are still watching The Closer.

Staying with television, Lauren Conrad is still angry at MTV for canceling her show. The reality star was livid, saying "THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT!" An MTV spokesman explained, "we've got a new version of Teen Wolf coming this year, so we really don't need any more monsters on the network." MTV, to its credit, is attempting to provide better role models for its younger viewers, which is why they're bringing back Beavis & Butthead.

In other MTV news, The Situation may be leaving the cast of The Jersey Shore. Sources close to the show place the blame on the disruptive influence of his new girlfriend, Yoko Ono.

Lastly, Charlie Sheen said he wants to resume work this month. When asked to clarify his statement, Sheen said "oh, 'work' is my word for 'taking lots of drugs and partying with porn stars.' Sorry for any confusion."

That's it. Back to work, everyone.