Let's get it on, people.
The World Bank today issued a statement warning that food prices are rising to "dangerous levels." A spokesman for A&P Grocery stores said "Food prices are rising? THEN WHY ARE WE GOING BANKRUPT?!" In a related story, armed robberies have skyrocketed at Piggly Wiggly stores across the country.
Six Nigerians are going on trial in South Africa for impersonating doctors and endangering the lives of sick people. The men are claiming diplomatic immunity, however, as they are all Princes.
In other legal news, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will stand trial to face charges that he had sex with an underage prostitute. Upon learning that the trial will be presided over by three female judges, the Prime Minister began violently pinching himself and screaming "WAKE UP! WAKE UP, DAMN YOU!"
In the world of entertainment, Charlie Sheen recently advised people to avoid crack cocaine "unless you can manage it socially." He will be taking that message of crack moderation to elementary schools around the country while production of Two and a Half Men remains on hiatus. Your move, CBS.
January Jones, star of Mad Men, said this week that having paparazzi near her home makes her feel safe, as she knows that someone is always watching her house. In a related story, January Jones has never heard of Princess Diana.
Billy Ray Cyrus said yesterday that the Hannah Montana show destroyed his family. That pain should just about clear his bad karma for releasing "Achey Brakey Heart."
In medical news, a study revealed this week that increasing your fiber consumption can lead to a longer life. On the downside, though, you'll be spending that extra time on the toilet.
Lastly, Charles Manson has retained the legal services of Giovanni Di Stefano, who once represented super-bastards Saddam Hussein, Ali "Chemical Ali" Hassan and Gary Glitter. When asked how he manages to defend these people, Mr. Di Stefano said "I simply remind myself that we all have rights, and no matter what these people have done, they are still not as bad as John Edwards. That guy is a total shit."
That's it for now. Enjoy your hump day, we'll see you again tomorrow!
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