Are you ready for some observations about current events taken out of context with some stuff made up? No? Well, you've got about ten more words before you have to be. How about now?
In Mexico, authorities revealed recently that gangs are now stealing fuel, because apparently it's more lucrative than cocaine. That might also explain the sudden number of drive-by shooting linked to Chevron.
In entertainment news, Russel Brand has been invited to join the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which means he gets to vote on oscars. And you thought democracy worked...
In Belgrade, boozy chenteuse and death-defier Amy Winehouse was booed offstage after drunkenly slurring through several songs and just generally sucking. The audience was denied a refund, however, as the tickets clearly indicated Amy Winehouse would be performing.
In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive.
In political sporting news, President Obama and Speaker Boehner teamed up for a charity benefit golf tournament. Unfortunately they didn't get to play, as Senator McConnell filibustered the entire tournament.
In molestation news, the Vatican set up a help center to assist children and adults abused by members of the clergy. That's a great step, but how about a "don't sexually assault people" center, too?
In her new memoir, Bristol Palin describes losing her virginity on camping trip after having too many wine coolers in what may be the least surprising story of sex ever written. If she hasn't had any sex since then, then Ms. Palin has a real case to lay claim to the title of "Most Hackneyed Vagina." Good luck, Bristol!
Lastly, in a related story, a recent medical study found that only 24% of high school students drink soda regularly, down from 29% two years ago. Apparently kids are finding better mixers for cheap whiskey than we did. Time marches on. Or at least stumbles drunkenly.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! See you tomorrow, kiddos!
Showing posts with label bristol palin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bristol palin. Show all posts
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: Steven Tyler Perry
Bristol Palin admits her recent change in appearance was due to a procedure — but not plastic surgery. The 20-year-old daughter of Sarah Palin tells Us Weekly that she underwent corrective jaw surgery in December. Her face now appears thinner, with higher cheekbones and an angular jaw. She says she will soon be getting "corrective" breast implants.
Speaking of a vain generation, a newspaper in Atlanta reported the rise of teens using Botox before events like prom and senior pictures. Maybe that's why every date I got in high school was numb, expensive and incapable of showing emotion.
The adult sons of Osama bin Laden have lashed out at the United States, saying it violated the law by killing an unarmed man and saying he should have been tried like Saddam Hussein. If he wanted a trial, didn’t he have 10 years to surrender? Hey guys, it's best if you just let this one go.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was awarded Australia's Peace Prize. He can now add that to his list of achievements, along with publishing top-secret diplomatic documents and allegations of sex crimes. He truly is a renaissance man.
Before sentencing a former school bus driver to prison for molesting young boys, the judge ridiculed the defendant for claiming to be a heterosexual. Saying, “I think you were born gayer than a sweet smelling jock strap.” Wow, judge, you might not be the only one pretending to be straight.
The floods in Tennessee are starting to recede. The Mississippi River crested at 48 feet, six times it's normal width, but not to worry, it was mostly water weight.
A pre-dawn fire caused heavy damage at a historic public school in Detroit. It took hours for students and faculty to notice the damages.
After a report about California's air quality, the Golden State is enacting stricter tailpipe laws. No word yet on where the Mormon's stand in what gays will have to do with their tailpipes.
After years of struggling with his sexuality, Chaz Bono (born Chastity Bono, the daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono) finally opened up about his transition from female to male on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah then revealed that all the audience members will get a free sex change operation!
Speaking of a vain generation, a newspaper in Atlanta reported the rise of teens using Botox before events like prom and senior pictures. Maybe that's why every date I got in high school was numb, expensive and incapable of showing emotion.
The adult sons of Osama bin Laden have lashed out at the United States, saying it violated the law by killing an unarmed man and saying he should have been tried like Saddam Hussein. If he wanted a trial, didn’t he have 10 years to surrender? Hey guys, it's best if you just let this one go.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was awarded Australia's Peace Prize. He can now add that to his list of achievements, along with publishing top-secret diplomatic documents and allegations of sex crimes. He truly is a renaissance man.
Before sentencing a former school bus driver to prison for molesting young boys, the judge ridiculed the defendant for claiming to be a heterosexual. Saying, “I think you were born gayer than a sweet smelling jock strap.” Wow, judge, you might not be the only one pretending to be straight.
The floods in Tennessee are starting to recede. The Mississippi River crested at 48 feet, six times it's normal width, but not to worry, it was mostly water weight.
A pre-dawn fire caused heavy damage at a historic public school in Detroit. It took hours for students and faculty to notice the damages.
After a report about California's air quality, the Golden State is enacting stricter tailpipe laws. No word yet on where the Mormon's stand in what gays will have to do with their tailpipes.
After years of struggling with his sexuality, Chaz Bono (born Chastity Bono, the daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono) finally opened up about his transition from female to male on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah then revealed that all the audience members will get a free sex change operation!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2011
Welcome to your Tuesday! Thanks for stopping by. This is a big week for fashion. I don't know if you heard about this or not, but I bought some new boxer shorts. Yeah, I don't want to say my old boxers were out-dated, but they still thought Lewinsky jokes were funny. Yep, they're mad we boycotted the 1980 Olympics. We did that, right? Why am I talking about my underwear so much? Let's get into it, okay? If you still want to hear about my drawers later, we can work something out.
Speaking of working things out, Pakistan has taken custody of Osama Bin Laden's many widows, and won't allow any representatives from the United States to speak with them. I think it's less about politics and national security, and more that Pakistan is worried that we'll put them all on next season of the Real Housewives. Pretty sure Bravo would do that if they had the chance.
How about this one, did you guys see this? The space shuttle Endeavor has had its final launch delayed once again. Apparently it's getting harder and harder for NASA to find computer animators with security clearance. 'Cause the spaceflights are faked. That's the point of that one. Okay...
In other fake reality news, Bristol Palin announced yesterday that she's getting her own reality show on the Biography channel. She put out a statement about it, actually, where she said "I feel so blessed to have yet another opportunity to be a star, for no reason whatsoever. And remember, kids, none of this would have been possible if I didn't have awful taste in men and an even worse understanding of contraceptives. So go on, chase your dreams, and don't forget to make terrible decisions! I'm sure it will work out just as well for you!"
Good for her, right? But too bad about Phil Jackson. You all saw this, right? After the Lakers got swept out of the playoffs by the Dallas Mavericks, of all teams, he announced he was retiring. Apparently he was concerned that the team might somehow succeed in being even more embarrassing next year, so he had to get out. My school's football coach did the same thing.
Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has no idea when to quit. His new movie, Beaver, bombed at the box office this weekend. Critics are panning the film, saying it has no likeable characters, poor performances and a three-horned sigil of doom from the Elders of Zion, who have declared the movie a failure. Better luck next time, Mel. Actually, no; I hope you have worse luck.
Back in the United Kingdom, the birthplace of class, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, whom we all love, is testifying in a bribery case, where he stands accused of paying UK lawyer David Mills for false testimony. The incredulous Berlusconi reportedly said "I can't believe this, I'm in a courtroom and no one's talking about my penis! Come on, someone has to mention it, right? It's getting weird, let's just talk about it and get it out of the way. Would it help if I pulled it out? Where's that new Duchess I've heard so muchess about? Ha! You see what I did?" He's a cartoon character. From a slutty cartoon.
Speaking of sluts, a movement recently started in Toronto called "Slutwalks." Calm down. It's an international women's rights movement that started after the Toronto Police Department said that women should avoid "dressing like sluts" to cut down on sex crimes. For some reason, this didn't sit well with the city's women, who have taken to the streets to demand their right to dress like sluts. That's what it's about, right? I tried to read some stories about it today, but I kept getting distracted by the pictures.
And lastly, another easily distracted person, Ms. Paula Abdul, just announced she will be joining Simon Cowell on the new American version of X Factor, proving once and for all that nobody wants to work with Randy. Seriously, that guy must be putting out some serious jerk vibes. Maybe he kept hogging all the painkillers and ridiculously tight black t-shirts.
Alright, that's it for now. You're going to have to get through the rest of your day without any more jokes from me, unless I post some on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/sooneresth. You might check it and see! Or else wait until tomorrow.
Until then, have a great day!
Speaking of working things out, Pakistan has taken custody of Osama Bin Laden's many widows, and won't allow any representatives from the United States to speak with them. I think it's less about politics and national security, and more that Pakistan is worried that we'll put them all on next season of the Real Housewives. Pretty sure Bravo would do that if they had the chance.
How about this one, did you guys see this? The space shuttle Endeavor has had its final launch delayed once again. Apparently it's getting harder and harder for NASA to find computer animators with security clearance. 'Cause the spaceflights are faked. That's the point of that one. Okay...
In other fake reality news, Bristol Palin announced yesterday that she's getting her own reality show on the Biography channel. She put out a statement about it, actually, where she said "I feel so blessed to have yet another opportunity to be a star, for no reason whatsoever. And remember, kids, none of this would have been possible if I didn't have awful taste in men and an even worse understanding of contraceptives. So go on, chase your dreams, and don't forget to make terrible decisions! I'm sure it will work out just as well for you!"
Good for her, right? But too bad about Phil Jackson. You all saw this, right? After the Lakers got swept out of the playoffs by the Dallas Mavericks, of all teams, he announced he was retiring. Apparently he was concerned that the team might somehow succeed in being even more embarrassing next year, so he had to get out. My school's football coach did the same thing.
Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has no idea when to quit. His new movie, Beaver, bombed at the box office this weekend. Critics are panning the film, saying it has no likeable characters, poor performances and a three-horned sigil of doom from the Elders of Zion, who have declared the movie a failure. Better luck next time, Mel. Actually, no; I hope you have worse luck.
Back in the United Kingdom, the birthplace of class, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, whom we all love, is testifying in a bribery case, where he stands accused of paying UK lawyer David Mills for false testimony. The incredulous Berlusconi reportedly said "I can't believe this, I'm in a courtroom and no one's talking about my penis! Come on, someone has to mention it, right? It's getting weird, let's just talk about it and get it out of the way. Would it help if I pulled it out? Where's that new Duchess I've heard so muchess about? Ha! You see what I did?" He's a cartoon character. From a slutty cartoon.
Speaking of sluts, a movement recently started in Toronto called "Slutwalks." Calm down. It's an international women's rights movement that started after the Toronto Police Department said that women should avoid "dressing like sluts" to cut down on sex crimes. For some reason, this didn't sit well with the city's women, who have taken to the streets to demand their right to dress like sluts. That's what it's about, right? I tried to read some stories about it today, but I kept getting distracted by the pictures.
And lastly, another easily distracted person, Ms. Paula Abdul, just announced she will be joining Simon Cowell on the new American version of X Factor, proving once and for all that nobody wants to work with Randy. Seriously, that guy must be putting out some serious jerk vibes. Maybe he kept hogging all the painkillers and ridiculously tight black t-shirts.
Alright, that's it for now. You're going to have to get through the rest of your day without any more jokes from me, unless I post some on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/sooneresth. You might check it and see! Or else wait until tomorrow.
Until then, have a great day!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 6, 2011
Did you all hear about what happened on DWTS? What's that? You don't even know what DWTS is? Well, we're going to get along just fine. How about enjoying these hand-crafted jokes?
Abstinence advocate Bristol Palin earned $262,500 last year working for abstinence-only organizations, making her one of the highest-paid sex workers in the country. Also, her message to kids was: "don't have sex, or your life might get ruined like mine."
Christopher Nolan will be filming the third Batman film in Pittsburgh, as it is the only city dark and hopeless enough provide the proper backdrop. Good work, Chamber of Commerce! Director Nolan has also asked that M. Night Shyamalan leave the state for the duration of filming "just in case."
In Las Vegas, former rocker and bloated spandex-proponent Vince Neil is facing two misdemeanor charges stemming from a fight with an ex-girlfriend. When asked for comment, Mr. Neil said "What do I care about misdemeanors? I once killed a guy! Bring it on!" He then offered to sign anyone's boobs.
In other music news, Liam Gallagher's new band, Beady Eye, released a cover of "Across the Universe" to raise money for a Japanese charity, thus cementing their place as best Beatles cover band in the world
Elsewhere in UK music, singer-songwriter Kate Bush finally got permission to use text from James Joyce's Ulysses in a song. She's planning to record the most boring, pointless song you've ever been forced to listen to in college.
In happier news, boxer Laila Ali gave birth to a daughter last week. She's already 3 - 0 with 1 knockout and she's cute as a button.
Actor and media pundit James Franco recently declared "social media is over,"and it was retweeted by hundreds of people within minutes.
And last, cinemas in the UK are planning to show an orchestral concert filmed entirely in 3D in an attempt to ruin any excitement anyone felt for the technology. Up next: an XBOX Kinect game that let's you fold laundry. There's gotta be a better way to get girls to buy games...
And with that, I bid you adieu for Wednesday. Feel free to share this blog via any of the social media buttons below, even though social media is dead, and come see us again tomorrow! In the meantime, have a great day, everybody!
Abstinence advocate Bristol Palin earned $262,500 last year working for abstinence-only organizations, making her one of the highest-paid sex workers in the country. Also, her message to kids was: "don't have sex, or your life might get ruined like mine."
Christopher Nolan will be filming the third Batman film in Pittsburgh, as it is the only city dark and hopeless enough provide the proper backdrop. Good work, Chamber of Commerce! Director Nolan has also asked that M. Night Shyamalan leave the state for the duration of filming "just in case."
In Las Vegas, former rocker and bloated spandex-proponent Vince Neil is facing two misdemeanor charges stemming from a fight with an ex-girlfriend. When asked for comment, Mr. Neil said "What do I care about misdemeanors? I once killed a guy! Bring it on!" He then offered to sign anyone's boobs.
In other music news, Liam Gallagher's new band, Beady Eye, released a cover of "Across the Universe" to raise money for a Japanese charity, thus cementing their place as best Beatles cover band in the world
Elsewhere in UK music, singer-songwriter Kate Bush finally got permission to use text from James Joyce's Ulysses in a song. She's planning to record the most boring, pointless song you've ever been forced to listen to in college.
In happier news, boxer Laila Ali gave birth to a daughter last week. She's already 3 - 0 with 1 knockout and she's cute as a button.
Actor and media pundit James Franco recently declared "social media is over,"and it was retweeted by hundreds of people within minutes.
And last, cinemas in the UK are planning to show an orchestral concert filmed entirely in 3D in an attempt to ruin any excitement anyone felt for the technology. Up next: an XBOX Kinect game that let's you fold laundry. There's gotta be a better way to get girls to buy games...
And with that, I bid you adieu for Wednesday. Feel free to share this blog via any of the social media buttons below, even though social media is dead, and come see us again tomorrow! In the meantime, have a great day, everybody!
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