Thursday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2012

Good morning, my friends.

Actress Shirley MacLaine says that today Hollywood "ignores older viewers" and their tastes. Also, the movies aren't loud enough.

Police in California suspect that Lindsay Lohan may have lied about a car accident in June. Their first clue was when her statement began with "I am not Lindsay Lohan."

In Moscow, Russian anti-Putin activist Taisiya Osipova was sentenced to eight years in prison for drug charges. Outside observers suspect the drugs were planted in a move planned to keep Osipova from being murdered by Putin for at least the next eight years.

A good Samaritan returned Edward Furlong's wallet after the actor was mugged in Los Angeles. No word yet on whether or not his career will ever turn up.

Danny Wright of Carlsbad, California, convicted of stealing 3,500 Pillow Pets from a warehouse, narrowly avoided a jail term, wherein he would certainly have learned a new-found empathy for Pillow Pets.

Today, Minneapolis hosts the first ever "Internet Cat Video Film Festival" in someone's basement.

Yesterday, President Obama went on Reddit to endorse an amendment to the Constitution aimed at overturning the "Citizens United" decision. He was immediately flamed for being a troll.

Also, he put the quote on a fundraising flyer. So...

And finally, in Berlin, Samsung unveiled a new line of tablets and smartphones immediately after leaving the Apple Store.

That's the end!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2012

Some more jokes, perhaps? Yes, my pretties. Have your fill.

NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.

At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.

Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.

In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”

A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.

The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.

A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.

And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:

"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."

You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 9, 2012

Welcome back.

Electronics giant Sony will reportedly be cutting 10,000 jobs in an effort to make the company profitable again. You should expect the next installment of Grand Tourismo to feature a lot more used cars.

Film director and explorer James Cameron said he is delaying production on Avatar 2 until after Disney releases Pocahontas 2 so he can copy the plot.

In Moscow, Red Square is now open to anti-Putin protesters. No word yet on if and when they will be allowed to leave.

At the Masters tournament, golfer Tiger Woods lost his temper after a missed shot and threw his golf club. Looks like someone has a little impulse-control problem...

At his Easter Mass, Pope Benedict said that mankind is "groping in the dark." Vatican lawyers were unavailable for comment.

An NBC News producer was fired over the weekend for editing the audio from George Zimmerman's 911 call made before he shot and killed Trayvon Martin, leading to a possible police cover-up of the incident. And so ends the only punishment for anyone involved.

In GOP primary news, Republican superdelegates are saying that, thanks to their support for Romney, that the race is now effectively over. Good. This whole campaign was getting dangerously close to giving voters a voice.

In China, a teenage boy reportedly sold his kidney to raise money for, among other things, an iPhone. Boy, is he going to be pissed when the iPhone 5 comes out. Well, half-pissed, anyway.

And finally, Rob Schneider, comedian and star of the new series Rob, said recently that after decades in show business, he is still "just getting started," which sounds like a threat to me.

And that's it! See you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 16

And another week begins. Here's some jokes to get you by.

The Russian Phobos-Grunt space probe crashed back to Earth shortly after launch this week, indicating that the probe had probably been badmouthing Putin.

Newt Gingrich said this weekend that he will be releasing his tax returns, but not his match.com profile.

Elsewhere in the primary, John Huntsman is hinting that he will drop out of the race. This is a difficult announcement for the campaign to make, but mainly because everyone thinks he dropped out weeks ago.

In Chicago, a driver wearing only his underwear and socks was arrested for DUI after he struck a police car. The crash was featured on both Cops and What Not to Wear.

Egyptian poet laureate Mohamed El Baradei is dropping out of the Egyptian presidential race after finding out he was trailing John Huntsman.

Hulu.com announced a new slate of original programming set to premiere on the site this year. The programs will be available for streaming with commercials, or you can just pirate them.

The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers last night, wreaking utter havoc with the New York Giants' office pool.

And finally, HBO is catching some grief over their new Sarah Palin film. The company denies that there is any political agenda behind the film, that's they're just trying to make some money, to which Palin responded "Copycats!"

Okay, that's all! It's too cold to banter! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - June 20, 2011

Are you ready for some observations about current events taken out of context with some stuff made up? No? Well, you've got about ten more words before you have to be. How about now?

In Mexico, authorities revealed recently that gangs are now stealing fuel, because apparently it's more lucrative than cocaine. That might also explain the sudden number of drive-by shooting linked to Chevron.

In entertainment news, Russel Brand has been invited to join the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which means he gets to vote on oscars. And you thought democracy worked...

In Belgrade, boozy chenteuse and death-defier Amy Winehouse was booed offstage after drunkenly slurring through several songs and just generally sucking. The audience was denied a refund, however, as the tickets clearly indicated Amy Winehouse would be performing.

In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive.

In political sporting news, President Obama and Speaker Boehner teamed up for a charity benefit golf tournament. Unfortunately they didn't get to play, as Senator McConnell filibustered the entire tournament.

In molestation news, the Vatican set up a help center to assist children and adults abused by members of the clergy. That's a great step, but how about a "don't sexually assault people" center, too?

In her new memoir, Bristol Palin describes losing her virginity on camping trip after having too many wine coolers in what may be the least surprising story of sex ever written. If she hasn't had any sex since then, then Ms. Palin has a real case to lay claim to the title of "Most Hackneyed Vagina." Good luck, Bristol!

Lastly, in a related story, a recent medical study found that only 24% of high school students drink soda regularly, down from 29% two years ago. Apparently kids are finding better mixers for cheap whiskey than we did. Time marches on. Or at least stumbles drunkenly.

That's all! Go forth and have a great day! See you tomorrow, kiddos!

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 21, 2011

You ever have one of those days that turns out to be a Thursday? I think this is going to be one of those. Now, for jokes.

President Obama is scheduled to tour Facebook headquarters soon. An excited Mark Zuckerberg said "I hope he likes it!" Whatever, they're not all great.

The cast of Happy Days sued CBS over DVD royalties recently, and CBS quickly caved to their demands after CBS President Les Moonves lost a dance-off to Henry Winkler. The Fonz is still king!

In Russia, Vladimir Putin responded to reports of a decline in the country's birthrate with his own plan to boost Russian fertility... one lucky lady at a time.

Speaking of lucky ladies, Sila Sahin, a Turkish-German actress, became the first Turkish woman to pose for German Playboy this month. Hopefully her pictorial will bring Germans and Turks together through masturbation.

The U.S. Treasury Department could begin selling off General Motors stock this summer. Why? To make room for the next model year's bailout! Everything must go!

In Florida, an unemployment agency spent more than $14,000 on red superhero capes for the unemployed. Upon learning it was part of a public relations campaign, one disappointed participant said "aw, man, I thought they were getting me a job as a bull fighter. I've always wanted to do that. Oh well, guess it's back to quiet desperation and an endless cycle of hopelessness for me!"

This week a report came out that a Delta Airlines plane was grounded for having rodent droppings "too numerous to count," as well as a significant presence of rodent urine. The report outraged Delta President Ed Bastian, who exclaimed "these rats have been flying for FREE?! I won't stand for it!" He then proposed the airline start selling Rodent-Free Upgrades to travelers this summer.

Lastly, Tyler Perry told Spike Lee to "go straight to Hell" this week, and inadvertently gave away the plot for the next Madea movie.

That's all for me! Spencer's back tomorrow (I think?) and Earnest is here Sunday for all your comedy needs. Follow them @spinlenox and @earnestp on Twitter if you like that sort of thing, and if you're in Hoboken tomorrow, come see my show at Clam Broth House at 9pm. Just like the blog, it's free!

Have a great day, all day, and we'll see you soon!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2011

Welcome to the new week, everyone! It's gonna be a blast! Oh, whatever. It's Monday. Get through it. These jokes might help.

This week, freshman Congressman Ben Quayle defended his campaign ad that called President Obama "the worst President" in American history. Rep. Quayle walked it back at a press briefing, saying that Obama was "one of the worst Presidents in history," and added, "also, please remember that I have almost no understanding of history or what makes for a good President." A flashbulb then distracted the Congressman who promptly forgot what he was talking about and why he was there.

In other news that ignores history, last week LAPD officers pulled over viral video-star Rodney King, who was savagely beaten by members of the LAPD in 1991. This time, King was ticketed for running a red light and driving without a license. When asked for a comment, he said "I guess it could have been worse."

Jersey Shore mascot Snooki recently said that filming for the show is "like prison." She's not too far off, actually. The key difference between Jersey Shore and prison is that you have to actually do something to get in prison, whereas with Jersey Shore blah blah blah those kids all suck. You get the point.

In Japan, Shigeo Tokuda, a 76-year old former travel agent, is now one of Japan's biggest porn stars, specializing in a popular new genre called "elder porn." Hey Japan, I think we've figured out why your population is declining.

In Internet news, former musician and Scared Straight-star Courtney Love is going to have to pay over $430,000 in damages for comments she made about a fashion designer on Twitter, proving that you can make money off of Twitter after all. Now if only we could get Courtney to spend some time on the comments section at Etsy...

In other celebrity payout news, Prince's former lawyers are suing him for $700,000 in delinquent legal fees. Elsewhere, Lindsay Lohan is totally pissed that she's going to prison for a stupid $2,500 necklace. In a related story, she's been invited to join the cast of Jersey Shore.

In real estate news, one of Vladimir Putin's former residences sold for $350million. That price may seem high, but it does include a shark tank, laser cannons and a submarine hangar. No word yet if he's also selling his secret volcano lair.

And finally, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has vowed to issue layoffs to 1,500 state employees "just as soon as the people from the personnel office quit protesting and go back to the office." What a tool.

That's it! We'll be back in 24 hours with new jokes, hope you come back, too. If you like this stuff, you can tell the world via the little buttons below! And as always, share your thoughts in the comments section.

Onward to Tuesday!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 22, 2011

Oh, happy Tuesday to all you people reading this. Perhaps you'd like to hear some jokes?

Former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbechev criticized Vladimir Putin yesterday, accusing him of "incredible conceit." Putin responded by calling Gorbechev a "national hero," saying "his passing is a great tragedy, and he will be missed. Rest in peace." He then whispered "hint, hint" to a man standing nearby in the shadows.

In other international news, a group of men in Zimbabwe were accused of plotting against President Mugabe and arrested for watching the news. Thankfully we live in a place where that wouldn't happen, because we've all chosen to ignore the news. Also, it's been rumored that the men were actually watching The Jersey Shore but would rather go to prison than admit it.

In business news, Blockbuster Video may be coming out of bankruptcy, thanks to a rumored $209 million buyout. A spokesman for Blockbuster said "yeah, we're as surprised as you are. Whatever happens, don't tell these guys about the Internet!"

An Egyptian couple recently named their baby "Facebook." This actually has less to do with the role played by social networking in the Egyptian revolution, and more to do with the fact that this baby is covered with targeted advertising.

Elsewhere in Egypt, former President Mubarak's assets have been frozen, which explains why he's been spotted recently wearing a shirt that says "I oppressed 18 million people for 30 years and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Gadaffi said he wouldn't be caught dead in one.

In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker continues to have trouble with the various unions in the state. He is also worried about the sudden influx of Egyptians immigrating to the area.

In Florida, a mother forced her son to wear a sign announcing his 1.22 GPA to the world. Some people are raising concerns that the child is being humiliated or bullied needlessly, but it turns out he actually has no idea what's going on.

Lastly, 164 drug addicts escaped from a Vietnamese treatment facility this week. They're scheduled to be at Charlie Sheen's place by Friday.

That's it for today! If you liked this, please let your friends know! Repost us on Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz (whatever it is) or just email us to anyone at all. And please leave some feedback, good or bad, below. Thanks, and have a wonderful Tuesday!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 1, 2011

Hey, it's February! Oh, wait, this month kinda sucks. Maybe it will be better with some jokes?

In Moscow this week, five hundred protesters gathered to protest against the rule of Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. A visibly irritated Putin confided to aides "I hate these protesters! I wish I could just throw those jerks in a prison somewhere... oh, hey, wait. I can do that! I LOVE ABUSING POWER!"

As protests continued to rage in Egypt, the bond rating agency Moody's cut Egypt debt rating, amid fears that the country will default on its debt. In other news, analysts can find no cause for the anti-American anger brewing in the developing world.

In Cairo, the Egyptian security services ordered the offices of Al Jazeera closed and took the network off the air. Even so, it's still beating CNN.

In other non-American news, a Japanese town was covered in soot and ash from a nearby volcano this weekend, causing breathing and visibility difficulties for confused residents who briefly thought they had woken up in China.

In celebrity news, David Arquette was released from rehab yesterday. He's not cured, though, as it turns out that he was discharged early because the clinic staff just couldn't stand him.

Speaking of rehab, Charlie Sheen is back in one. His popular sitcom has been put on production hiatus, which may end up costing CBS $250million. Who would have guessed that making a raging drug addict the lynchpin of your continued financial success could be such a risky move?

In automotive news, Toyota is recalling 1.7 million cars worldwide, a process they're getting really good at. The cars are being recalled to fix leaking fuel lines, which might have come in handy last year when drivers couldn't get their cars to stop.

In entertainment news, Kim Kardashian is reportedly distraught that W magazine showed a picture of her bare breasts, covered in silver paint. When reminded that a sex tape leaked of her performing oral sex, Ms. Kardashian replied "yeah, but at least I wasn't topless! You can totally see my whole nipple!" Hoping to capitalize on the media attention paid to this story, the E! network has offered a reality show to her right nipple.

That's it. I feel a bit dirty now.

If you liked these 8ish jokes, tell your friends! And don't forget to weigh in on this week's ridiculous poll question and let us know how you're doing.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 28, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


The East Coast is digging itself out from under massive snow drifts after this weekend’s blizzard. New Yorkers aren't complaining though, as the snow is blocking the smell of the homeless people. Also, now they look like snowmen. Sad, angry snowmen.