Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 28, 2010




Alright, lets’ get to it.


The East Coast is digging itself out from under massive snow drifts after this weekend’s blizzard. New Yorkers aren't complaining though, as the snow is blocking the smell of the homeless people. Also, now they look like snowmen. Sad, angry snowmen.




President Obama this week offered words of support and encouragement for ex-con quarterback Michael Vick. Guess we just got a glimpse into the President’s Fantasy Football roster.


Speaking of second chances, Alvin Greene filed to run in a special election for the South Carolina house. The reclusive accused sex-offender previously lost a bid for the Senate in a landslide. At a small press conference today, Greene explained that he is looking forward to losing an election at the state level. He then offered to share pornographic images with the reporters present.


Amazon.com received a patent for a system that allows users to block unwanted gifts before they are delivered, converting them instead to gift cards. Rumor has it that Planned Parenthood was working on a similar service, but scrubbed it after only a few months.


In a totally unrelated story, Bristol Palin recently purchased a home in Arizona for $172,000 in cash, earned on Dancing with the Stars. Meanwhile, “Octomom” Nadya Suleman is facing eviction from her home. Too bad those babies can’t dance.


In Russia, human rights groups are criticizing Vladimir Putin for using so-called show trials to keep his political opponents in jail. President Putin responded, “yes, you’re right. We really don’t need to bother with the trials anymore. Let’s just lock ‘em up!”


Whole Foods recently issued a recall for gingerbread houses that weren’t built to code.


Tyler Perry is paying to rebuild the house of an elderly grandmother after the house burnt to the ground. When construction is complete, she will legally have to refer to her home as “Tyler Perry presents: My House.” She will also be allowed to be as sassy as she wants.


Lastly, a man in Michigan is facing five years in prison for snooping in his wife’s email to find out if she was having an affair. The District Attorney called the case an important opportunity to send a message to others considering similar behavior. The District Attorney went on to repeatedly stress how he himself is “totally, happily married” and would “never, ever have an affair. Seriously.”


That’s it. I’ve gotta go reset my passwords.


Thanks again to Spencer Hicks for contributing to this "whatever this is." See him at his website.

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