Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 22, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


Massachusetts is going to lose a representative in Congress, it was announced today. It’s not related to population changes, though, but is actually a punishment for the lame ending of the film “The Town.” When reached for comment, director and star Ben Affleck said “No, I feel no remorse. Why? Because I’m a monster!”




Japan was rocked today by an undersea earthquake. Was it Godzilla? Probably not. Maybe it was a Blastoise. They can learn earthquake by using a Technical Machine. Look it up. Yes, that’s a Pokemon reference. Deal with it.


The United Nations Security Council was evacuated Tuesday after an “unidentified odor” was detected, which turned out to be raw sewage leaking into the building. Somewhere in America, John Bolton is stroking his ridiculous mustache and cackling madly.


Apple Computers has banned a Wikileaks app from its online store, despite concerns of online attacks from pro-Wikileaks “hacktivists.” Steve Jobs explained the decision, saying “I’ve survived pancreatic cancer and Bill Gates. I’m not afraid of some socially awkward guys with a bot-net. BRING IT ON!”


Spas in California have begun offering vaginal steam baths, which are exactly what you think they are. The baths supposedly enhance fertility, and have long been a part of traditional medicine in Korea. Congratulations, Kim-Chi, you’re no longer the weirdest thing to come out of the Korean Peninsula. “Korea: Come for the vaginal steam baths, stay for the fermented cabbage.” There’s probably also a dry-cleaner and/or nail salon joke in there somewhere, but we’re too classy for that.


A recent study found teen birth-rates to be at the lowest point in seven decades, which is contributing to difficulties in casting the new season of “Teen Mom.”


The Obama administration is requiring health insurance companies to now justify rate increases before they will go into effect. A spokesman for the health insurance industry asked, “greed still counts, right? Like, an all-consuming greed that borders upon sociopathic disregard for human suffering? That’s still a valid reason to raise premiums, right?” He then poured a bottle of Lipitor down a nearby toilet.


Lastly, a Cornell student was recently arrested for possession of $150,000 worth of heroin in one of the largest drug busts in the history of Ithaca, New York. Beat that, Yale!


That’s it.