Alright, lets’ get to it.
The Senate voted this weekend to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, allowing homosexuals and lesbians to serve openly in the armed forces. Sen. McCain called it a “sad day” for America and blamed the Senate for its “total failure to protect the hallowed institution of bigotry in America.”
Gas prices in Iran jumped to $0.38 per gallon this weekend as the government cut fuel subsidies. This policy change is expected to proceed smoothly, as the Iranian people are well known for their calm, rational responses to disputes with the government.
Vice President Biden recently called Julian Assange a “high-tech terrorist” after watching the film TRON: Legacy. The VP is consulting with Jeff Bridges on means of securing the country’s infrastructure against people attempting to “attack us with those weird day-glow tanks and light cycles and stuff.”
The Venezuelan legislature granted President Hugo Chavez the power to "temporarily” rule by simple decree in a move that will “certainly not be known as the death of democracy in Venezuela.” The first decree from the President’s office read only “MWAH HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! DANCE, MY PUPPETS!”
An upscale hotel in Abu Dhabi recently spent $11 million on a Christmas tree, in an attempt to honor the traditions of Christmas. Also in keeping with Christmas traditions, there is no way in hell that poor people will be allowed to stay at the hotel, pregnant or not. Side note: the hotel offers a “gold-to-go,” gold dispensing machine for billionaires too busy to buy gold at the bank. No word yet on plans to install frankincense and myrrh machines.
Britain’s Prince Harry recently visited the Berlin Wall to pay his respects and honor the sacrifices of those who died attempting to escape Communist East Germany. The Prince offered no explanation as to why he was dressed like Josef Stalin.
PolitiFact named “government takeover of health care” to be the number 1 lie heard in 2010. The number 1 most heard lie as reported by single women at the local bar: “sure, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Facebook apologized for an unexpected outage Thursday afternoon. The site was down for half an hour, leading to widespread devastation of Farmville crops and possible famine for millions of make-believe people. Vice President Joe Biden is consulting with Jeff Bridges on possible relief strategies.
Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah is contemplating purchasing the much-debated Park 51 Islamic Center in New York City and moving it to a less controversial part of the city. Opponents and defenders of the planned project both went on record against the move saying “if we give into the demands of these intolerant religious thugs, then the terrorists win-- oh, wait... I’m confused now.”
Bank Of America has cut off payments directed to Wikileaks, despite the efforts of "hacktivists" who shut down Visa, MasterCard and Paypal for similar actions. This decision indicates that Bank of America is tired of having a working website. When asked for comment, one member of the IT department responded “Really? Are you serious? Oh, that’s just great. Well, there goes Christmas.” Vice President Biden is consulting with... oh, nevermind.
That’s it.
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