Alright, lets’ get to it.
Former Russian Spy Anna Chapman has found huge fame recently as a public speaker. Not really getting the whole “undercover” thing... Actually, she’s kind of like Russia’s Sarah Palin. She’s attractive, articulate, and didn’t finish out her last job. Also, like Palin, Chapman is able to see Russia from her house. Come to think of it, have they been photographed together...
Speaking of Sarah Palin, a woman recently showed up at a Palin event wearing a shirt that read “Worst Governor Ever.” Palin stopped the event shouting to her security, “somebody grab that woman! She’s stolen my shirt!”
Iranian filmmaker Jafar Panahi has been sentenced to six years in prison and banned from making another movie for twenty years for making films offensive to the state. And in America, M. Night Shyamalan is just walking around like there’s nothing wrong.
The Central Intelligence Agency has launched an internal investigation to determine what impact Wikileaks has had upon United States’ foreign policy. The findings of the investigation will be up on the Wikileaks website as soon as they come in.
President Obama finally signed the repeal of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy banning gay men and women from openly serving in the armed forces. The President made a brief statement after signing the bill, saying in part, “look, it’s not fair to make gay men and women hide who they are, when for decades narrow-minded bigots have been free to openly be homophobic a-holes. Now, everyone is free to be who and what they were made to be." After signing the historic bill, he offered one of the pens to Senator John McCain, whispering to him “how’s that taste?”
When asked about his opposition to gay marriage, President Obama said, “come on. I just signed a law allowing gay men and women to risk their lives to defend us and our rights in exchange for lousy pay and access to an increasingly broken system of mental and physical care. What more do you want from me? Full human rights, just like everyone else? Be reasonable.”
A recent study found that patients receiving placebos showed signs of improvement, even when they were told that the pills were fake. One test subject explained, “hey, I’m just so glad to have any healthcare, even if it’s pretend.”
Lastly, Lindsay Lohan is accused of attacking an employee at the Betty Ford Clinic, where she is receiving treatment. The treatment seems to be going well, obviously, as this attack was the result of insanity, not intoxication. That’s progress.
That’s it.
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