Monday, December 13, 2010

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 14, 2010

Alright, let's get to it.


An Oklahoma City man is accused of pretending to be severely autistic in order to trick babysitters into changing his diapers, because that’s what turns him on sexually. Incidentlly, he’s 4’ 9” tall and is currently on probation from a 2008 arson charge. David Lynch has already secured the screen rights.


In a related story, Craigslist was in no way involved in the fake-autistic-diaper-midget-firebug story. Just kidding! He totally found the babysitters on Craigslist. Stay classy.




A federal judge with financial ties to a lobbying group engaged in overturning the Federal health care plan has ruled parts of the Federal health care plan unconstitutional. Also ruled unconstitutional: his latest credit card bill.


Today, Michael Steele announced he will run for a second term as Chairman of the Republican National Committee. He made this announcement from the main stage of Scores, surrounded by sacks of burning money. When reached for comment on the announcement, Speaker Elect John Boehner burst into tears for no earthly reason. Elsewhere, Nancy Pelosi perfected her thousand-yard stare.


Recently, thirty-six GLBT-themed books were doused with urine at a Harvard library in what campus police have labeled a “prank,” and not a “hate crime” because, according to campus police, “hate crimes are a real bitch to investigate.”


Super Mario Bros. is now 25 years old. Isn’t it time for a sequel to The Wizard?


Finally, Julian Assange’s OKCupid.com profile has been unearthed, revealing that the mastermind behind Wikileaks is too cheap to spring for eHarmony or Match.com. At least it wasn’t Craigslist.


That’s all for now. I’ve got to go delete some profiles.

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