Alright, let's get to it.
A recent poll revealed that 20% of Americans want the government to regulate the Internet in the same way that the FCC regulates broadcast television. Coincidentally, that's the same percentage of Americans who want those damn kids to stay off their lawn.
Professional Senate candidate and evolutionary biologist Christine O'Donnell is facing a federal investigation for misusing campaign funds this year. It seems the Federal Election Commission has deemed her entire campaign to have been a waste of money.
The Venezuelan government has rejected America's choice for the next ambassador to Venezuela, prompting outrage from the Obama administration. When asked for comment, a representative from Hugo Chavez' office replied "well, we realized it has been, like, months since we did anything just to piss you guys off. Enjoy!"
A new law may require surgeons to tell their patients how long they have been awake before they are allowed to operate. The doctors will not, however, have to disclose how many drinks they had at lunch.
Warren Jeffs, leader of a polygamous religious sect, pled not guilty to charges of bigamy, sexual assault, and just loving too damn much, ladies! He's still single, kind of, because the government doesn't recognize his crazy-ass marriages to 12 year old girls as legally binding!
In the Chicago Mayoral race, both Carol Moseley Braun and Rahm Emmanuel have pledged to replace Police Superintendent Jody Weis, leading to a statement from Weis that read, in part, "I look forward to serving under whichever candidate is not arrested for having massive quantities of heroin, and possibly a dead hooker, in his or her car. Hint. Hint."
Retailers estimate that the recent blizzard in the north east cost them $1billion in lost revenue as shoppers were forced to stay home. Conversely, this means that Americans have now been able to put that money toward savings and paying down credit card debt. Just kidding! They blew it all at Amazon.com and online casinos. Americans saving? That's just crazy.
Speaking of crazy, rapper and anger management course attendee Chris Brown recently got into an online feud with singer Raz B, in which he resorted to homophobic slurs and racial epithets, but did not bite anyone this time. Looks like those courses are paying off, Chris!
That's it. I'm gonna go listen to Umbrella.
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