Good morning! How's your coffee? Or whatever beverage you have. That was presumptuous of me. It might be orange juice. Or maybe you can't make up your mind, and just pour your orange juice right into the coffee pot. I've had worse. Seriously, splash a little soy milk in there... and I've said too much. Starbucks has spies everywhere! And we've got jokes right here. Enjoy them with the beverage(s) of your choice.
Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.
In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."
Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.
Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.
Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.
Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.
In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.
And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."
How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label perez hilton. Show all posts
Showing posts with label perez hilton. Show all posts
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2011
There's only one Emmy joke in here. If that's what you came for, then you'll be disappointed. Just like the people who watched the Emmys, probably. Okay, let's get to it.
At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.
Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.
Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.
Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.
Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.
An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.
That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?
Okay.
In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?
And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?
That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.
Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.
Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.
Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.
Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.
An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.
That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?
Okay.
In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?
And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?
That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - September 15, 2011
Okay, enough of this sketch business. Today you get more written funny business. Mainly because I don't want to run out of sketches. But also because I had time to write these jokes. So, enjoy!
A study found the slowest download speeds in America are in Idaho. Serves them right, the stupid potato heads. Oh, don't worry. They'll never be able to read this site.
In New York, the Republican party took control of Former Congressman Anthony Weiner's seat. But his crotch remains, as always, totally out of control.
Elizabeth Warren, who had her appointment to the Consumer Protection Agency filibustered in Congress and who spent countless hours testifying before House and Senate committees, has decided to run for the Senate. It makes sense, though. After all, if she were a senator, she'd probably have to spend less time at the Senate than she does now.
A Dutch woman is facing stalking charges for calling a man 65,000 times in one year. But don't worry: it was the Verizon guy.
On the Internet, Perez Hilton is starting a website for celebrity families and the children of stars, because you're never too young to find out that strangers hate you.
The Broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera will soon turn 25 years old. In celebration, movie theaters across the country will host a broadcast of a live performance. Meanwhile, DVDs from the 2004 film adaptation are being shredded and turned into insulation.
In England, a former Toys R Us manager was found to have paid a hooker over $30,000 a week for her services. A judge is trying to help the store recoup some of those losses, but the hooker in question has a strict no return, no refund policy. Although she will offer store credit for unopened packages. What am I even talking about?!
And finally, the return of the NFL brought some much needed ratings to NBC, which has struggled in recent decades. Trying to capitalize on the resurgent popularity of the sport on television, look for NBC to work football into all their programs. First up: Ben Roethlisberger guest stars on a very special To Catch a Predator.
Okay, I'm done for the week. Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks-related fun. And I'll see you on Monday!
A study found the slowest download speeds in America are in Idaho. Serves them right, the stupid potato heads. Oh, don't worry. They'll never be able to read this site.
In New York, the Republican party took control of Former Congressman Anthony Weiner's seat. But his crotch remains, as always, totally out of control.
Elizabeth Warren, who had her appointment to the Consumer Protection Agency filibustered in Congress and who spent countless hours testifying before House and Senate committees, has decided to run for the Senate. It makes sense, though. After all, if she were a senator, she'd probably have to spend less time at the Senate than she does now.
A Dutch woman is facing stalking charges for calling a man 65,000 times in one year. But don't worry: it was the Verizon guy.
On the Internet, Perez Hilton is starting a website for celebrity families and the children of stars, because you're never too young to find out that strangers hate you.
The Broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera will soon turn 25 years old. In celebration, movie theaters across the country will host a broadcast of a live performance. Meanwhile, DVDs from the 2004 film adaptation are being shredded and turned into insulation.
In England, a former Toys R Us manager was found to have paid a hooker over $30,000 a week for her services. A judge is trying to help the store recoup some of those losses, but the hooker in question has a strict no return, no refund policy. Although she will offer store credit for unopened packages. What am I even talking about?!
And finally, the return of the NFL brought some much needed ratings to NBC, which has struggled in recent decades. Trying to capitalize on the resurgent popularity of the sport on television, look for NBC to work football into all their programs. First up: Ben Roethlisberger guest stars on a very special To Catch a Predator.
Okay, I'm done for the week. Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks-related fun. And I'll see you on Monday!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 30, 2011
Shall we?
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 3, 2011
What's more fun than a season full of snow and ice? How about some jokes?
It was Groundhog Day yesterday, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole to predict an early Spring before he unfortunately froze to death in the icy rain.
In entertainment news, reports surfaced this week that television star Tracy Morgan received a kidney from his ex-girlfriend, which is way more impressive than the standard booty call.
It was Groundhog Day yesterday, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole to predict an early Spring before he unfortunately froze to death in the icy rain.
In entertainment news, reports surfaced this week that television star Tracy Morgan received a kidney from his ex-girlfriend, which is way more impressive than the standard booty call.
Musician Elton John said this week that he's worried about his friend and beard-enthusiast Billy Joel, who he says needs serious rehab. Billy Joel responded by saying that Elton John needs another dead Princess to jump start his career.
In politics, California Governor Jerry Brown compared the state of California to Egypt, which really isn't fair, considering that Egypt isn't bankrupt yet.
The Environmental Protection Agency announced yesterday that they would, for the first time, take steps to limit the amount of the rocket fuel Perchlorate in drinking water supplies. This move comes as part of the Obama administration's new effort to keep people from getting cancer and exploding.
In Japan, thirteen sumo wrestlers are under investigation for fixing fights. In America, that's called "Professional Wrestling."
Farrah Fawcett's famous red swimsuit, worn in her famous pinup poster, went to the Smithsonian this week. It will be displayed alongside the Venus of Malta as the centerpiece in the new "Hall of Masturbation."
Lastly, the website WikiLeaks was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize this week. In a related story, Perez Hilton was nominated for a Humanitas Award. One pundit noted, "hey, if The Tourist can get nominated for Best Comedy or Musical, then all bets are off."
That's it for me this week.
Spencer Hicks is in tomorrow, and Earnest Pettie will be bringing you some laughter on Sunday. So, thanks for stopping by! Come back soon and tell your friends!
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