Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 15, 2011

Okay, enough of this sketch business. Today you get more written funny business. Mainly because I don't want to run out of sketches. But also because I had time to write these jokes. So, enjoy!

A study found the slowest download speeds in America are in Idaho. Serves them right, the stupid potato heads. Oh, don't worry. They'll never be able to read this site.

In New York, the Republican party took control of Former Congressman Anthony Weiner's seat. But his crotch remains, as always, totally out of control.

Elizabeth Warren, who had her appointment to the Consumer Protection Agency filibustered in Congress and who spent countless hours testifying before House and Senate committees, has decided to run for the Senate. It makes sense, though. After all, if she were a senator, she'd probably have to spend less time at the Senate than she does now.

A Dutch woman is facing stalking charges for calling a man 65,000 times in one year. But don't worry: it was the Verizon guy.

On the Internet, Perez Hilton is starting a website for celebrity families and the children of stars, because you're never too young to find out that strangers hate you.

The Broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera will soon turn 25 years old. In celebration, movie theaters across the country will host a broadcast of a live performance. Meanwhile, DVDs from the 2004 film adaptation are being shredded and turned into insulation.

In England, a former Toys R Us manager was found to have paid a hooker over $30,000 a week for her services. A judge is trying to help the store recoup some of those losses, but the hooker in question has a strict no return, no refund policy. Although she will offer store credit for unopened packages. What am I even talking about?!

And finally, the return of the NFL brought some much needed ratings to NBC, which has struggled in recent decades. Trying to capitalize on the resurgent popularity of the sport on television, look for NBC to work football into all their programs. First up: Ben Roethlisberger guest stars on a very special To Catch a Predator.

Okay, I'm done for the week. Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks-related fun. And I'll see you on Monday!

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