Monday Morning Monologue - September 5, 2011

Happy Labor Day! Are you heading to or coming back from the beach today, trying to wring all the final, golden moments out of the dying summer while you still can? If you are, please take heed of these helpful beachgoing tips, compiled by our summer fun experts.

1. When going to the beach, be sure to apply sunblock to your genitalia, just in case.

2. To get the most out of your time at the beach, poop in the ocean.

3. If you want to get a tan, it's best to make sure you're not Irish.

4. When listening to your radio at the beach, turn it up as loud as you can. There's some people out in the ocean who don't know you're a jerk.

5. Sure, getting hammered at the beach and passing out sounds like a good idea, so it probably is.

6. Picnicking at the beach is fun and easy. You just have to find people who aren't watching their stuff too closely.

7. Word to the wise: lifeguards probably won't save your life if you pick a knife fight on the beach. So do it in the ocean.

8. Salty ocean water is great for your skin. Evidence: no pirate ever had acne. Ergo, you should always use ocean water to shave.

9. Relax! More people are killed every year by vending machines than by sharks. But look out for sharks with vending machines on their backs.

10. FYI: Ladies at the beach love it when you stare at them.

11. Having trouble getting sand out of your shoes, clothes, car and house? Just remember, that sand will burn away if you get it hot enough.

12. After dark, the beach can be a dangerous place. Don't go there unless you absolutely have to dispose of the body immediately.

That's all. If you like these, then you should follow me on Twitter and Facebook. The real news resumes tomorrow. Until then, enjoy your day off (if you got one) and have a great day!