Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2011

Hey, it's Tuesday, which means last night was the first ever CNN/Tea Party Express GOP Presidential Debate in Florida. Why Florida? Why do you think, wise guy? A few crazy things happened, as you might expect. Here's a rundown.

Wolf Blitzer shared his moderating duties 50/50 with his beard.

Mitt Romney accused Governor Perry of flip-flopping on the issue of Social Security reform, citing passages from Perry's own book as evidence. Representative Bachmann then accused Romney of reading.

Yes, Governor Perry thinks Social Security is unconstitutional. But don't worry, he won't take it away. You see, Rick Perry actually likes lots of unconstitutional ideas.

Michele Bachmann criticized Perry for mandating the HPV vaccine, which is used to prevent the spread of the human paillomavirus in women. According to Bachmann, the virus is a living thing, and thus she will defend to her death it's right to live inside American vaginas as God intended.

At one point, Governor Huntsman accused the other candidates of scaring the American public, saying the GOP needs to find solutions if they are to stand any chance in 2012. His microphone was immediately turned off.

Leading up to the debate, Governor Perry wrote an editorial for USA Today in which he said "I am going to be honest with the American people," in a startling departure from his previous strategy.

Just before the debate, former candidate and Governor Tim Pawlenty formally endorsed Mitt Romney, saying oh who the hell cares? No, that's not his quote, that's me. Who gives a damn about Pawlenty?

And finally, lots of promises were made at the debate. Most notably, Governor Perry pledged to make government as inconsequential as possible. Frankly, electing Perry to any office is a great start in reducing the importance and effectiveness of that office. Maybe he'd like to take a turn judging for American Idol?

Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more, I friggin' dare you! Till then, have a great day!