Welcome to the mid-week awesome blast! Whoo, I'm tired. Alright.
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label nazis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nazis. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2011
There's only one Emmy joke in here. If that's what you came for, then you'll be disappointed. Just like the people who watched the Emmys, probably. Okay, let's get to it.
At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.
Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.
Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.
Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.
Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.
An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.
That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?
Okay.
In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?
And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?
That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.
Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.
Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.
Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.
Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.
An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.
That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?
Okay.
In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?
And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?
That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 18, 2011
Welcome to Thursday, everyone! This is going to be the best day we have all day, so I hope you enjoy it. That sentence meant absolutely nothing. I might run for President. Is that a joke? Who knows! These next things are, though.
Today is a great day for me. The Qdoba in my neighborhood is reopening after having some work done. It's kinda like Courtney Cox returning to television.
Police in London arrested the 1000th person in connection to the riots. Lucky number 1000 got his picture in the paper, a gift certificate to Harrods, and a savage beating from the cops. Congratulations!
Vice President Biden is in China discussing U.S.-Chinese debt. It doesn't look good for the talks. Rumor has it that Chinese negotiators had a pay toilet installed in Biden's hotel room.
Former Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi quashed rumors of a Black Sabbath reunion this week. Ozzy actually said the same thing last week, but no one could understand him. And he was taking to a dog at the time.
Anticipation is building for the new Microsoft operating system, Windows 8, which insiders say will totally revolutionize personal computing. Apparently it features a completely redesigned Blue Screen Of Death.
A new biography alleges that French fashion designer Coco Chanel was a Nazi agent during World War II. The first clue was her extensive portfolio of haute couture arm bands and jackboots.
Russian pilots carried out test flights on a new stealth plane this month. It's a big departure from the old Soviet designs. You see, in Soviet Russia, stealth plane flies you.
And finally, in more Russian news, former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbechev came out with harsh criticism of Russia's progress toward democracy and Vladimir Putin in particular. A confused Putin said "wait a minute, didn't I already kill him? Come on, Vlad! Get it together!" He then strangled a walrus with his bare hands.
Okay, that's the end. Of the blog. For today. Spencer is here tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday.
Till then, have a great day!
Today is a great day for me. The Qdoba in my neighborhood is reopening after having some work done. It's kinda like Courtney Cox returning to television.
Police in London arrested the 1000th person in connection to the riots. Lucky number 1000 got his picture in the paper, a gift certificate to Harrods, and a savage beating from the cops. Congratulations!
Vice President Biden is in China discussing U.S.-Chinese debt. It doesn't look good for the talks. Rumor has it that Chinese negotiators had a pay toilet installed in Biden's hotel room.
Former Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi quashed rumors of a Black Sabbath reunion this week. Ozzy actually said the same thing last week, but no one could understand him. And he was taking to a dog at the time.
Anticipation is building for the new Microsoft operating system, Windows 8, which insiders say will totally revolutionize personal computing. Apparently it features a completely redesigned Blue Screen Of Death.
A new biography alleges that French fashion designer Coco Chanel was a Nazi agent during World War II. The first clue was her extensive portfolio of haute couture arm bands and jackboots.
Russian pilots carried out test flights on a new stealth plane this month. It's a big departure from the old Soviet designs. You see, in Soviet Russia, stealth plane flies you.
And finally, in more Russian news, former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbechev came out with harsh criticism of Russia's progress toward democracy and Vladimir Putin in particular. A confused Putin said "wait a minute, didn't I already kill him? Come on, Vlad! Get it together!" He then strangled a walrus with his bare hands.
Okay, that's the end. Of the blog. For today. Spencer is here tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday.
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 26, 2011
Welcome to your Thursday, you Internet people. I'm a little torn up about the cancellation of The Event, so there won't be much banter from me today. Maybe it'll be back. I don't know. Things like that make you question your faith in NB... oh, right. Never mind.
A New Jersey woman was diagnosed with cataplexy, a disorder that causes her to fall asleep every time she so much as giggles. That's gotta suck. But to make matters worse, NBC just cancelled her favorite show, [Outsourced]. Apparently it's the only program she could make it all the way through.
In New York, Courtney Love is in town promoting, I don't know, her twitter account or something. While she's here, she told reporters that she started taking Valium at the ripe old age of 8. Congratulations, Hoffmann-La Roche, your drug is getting free exposure! No press is bad press, right? Right? Although, this may be a conflict of interest for Ms. Love, as she's already a compensated spokesperson for "Batshit-Crazy." Remember, for all your insane needs, choose Batshit-Crazy!
In environmental news, Iran's largest lake, Lake Oroumieh, is turning salty. Iranian scientists are investigating the phenomenon, and expect to have an explanation of how it was caused by the Jews sometime early next week.
In legal news, former role-model and current cautionary-tale John Edwards may be facing indictment from the Department of Justice. And it couldn't happen to a nicer fella. It's just a shame Elizabeth couldn't see it in person. Oh, and that he's a piece of shit. That's a shame, too.
In "literary" news, the Kardashian sisters announced a new contest to name their novel. Pretty cool for fans, right? Well, next month they'll have another contest, where one lucky fan will get to write the whole book.
A recent survey of professional bankers found that 72% of them admitted to cheating on their spouses. Wow, they just can't stop screwing people. Any chance John Edwards was a banker?
Speaking of horrible revelations, a Sarah Palin biopic opened in Iowa this week. Early reviews call it "hilarious," and "must-not see."
And finally, a report from historians released this week revealed that Nazi scientists tried to teach dogs how to read, write and speak. How did they lose the war again? But this is exciting news for Steven Spielberg, who just found the villain for his next Indiana Jones movie! And regardless of how crappy the dog special effects are, it will still be more believable than Shia LaBoef. He's not going to be in the Thundercats movie, is he?
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more hilarity from Spencer, and I'll be back on Monday. If you're in Hoboken, come see me at Clam Broth House Friday at 9pm this Friday, and no matter where you are, have a great day.
And don't forget the sunblock!
A New Jersey woman was diagnosed with cataplexy, a disorder that causes her to fall asleep every time she so much as giggles. That's gotta suck. But to make matters worse, NBC just cancelled her favorite show, [Outsourced]. Apparently it's the only program she could make it all the way through.
In New York, Courtney Love is in town promoting, I don't know, her twitter account or something. While she's here, she told reporters that she started taking Valium at the ripe old age of 8. Congratulations, Hoffmann-La Roche, your drug is getting free exposure! No press is bad press, right? Right? Although, this may be a conflict of interest for Ms. Love, as she's already a compensated spokesperson for "Batshit-Crazy." Remember, for all your insane needs, choose Batshit-Crazy!
In environmental news, Iran's largest lake, Lake Oroumieh, is turning salty. Iranian scientists are investigating the phenomenon, and expect to have an explanation of how it was caused by the Jews sometime early next week.
In legal news, former role-model and current cautionary-tale John Edwards may be facing indictment from the Department of Justice. And it couldn't happen to a nicer fella. It's just a shame Elizabeth couldn't see it in person. Oh, and that he's a piece of shit. That's a shame, too.
In "literary" news, the Kardashian sisters announced a new contest to name their novel. Pretty cool for fans, right? Well, next month they'll have another contest, where one lucky fan will get to write the whole book.
A recent survey of professional bankers found that 72% of them admitted to cheating on their spouses. Wow, they just can't stop screwing people. Any chance John Edwards was a banker?
Speaking of horrible revelations, a Sarah Palin biopic opened in Iowa this week. Early reviews call it "hilarious," and "must-not see."
And finally, a report from historians released this week revealed that Nazi scientists tried to teach dogs how to read, write and speak. How did they lose the war again? But this is exciting news for Steven Spielberg, who just found the villain for his next Indiana Jones movie! And regardless of how crappy the dog special effects are, it will still be more believable than Shia LaBoef. He's not going to be in the Thundercats movie, is he?
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more hilarity from Spencer, and I'll be back on Monday. If you're in Hoboken, come see me at Clam Broth House Friday at 9pm this Friday, and no matter where you are, have a great day.
And don't forget the sunblock!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)