Congrats to all the Emmy winners, specifically to HBO's Veep and Game of Thrones. One is a pessimistic examination of how human nature can be corrupted and compromised by the quest for power, and the other one has dragons and stuff.
In Colorado, a homeless man was sentenced to six months in prison for massive littering. In fact, he dumped over four tons of garbage in a national forest...
... Volunteers said the forest was more disgusting than Donald Trump hitting on his own daughter.
... It was the most heinous dump taken in Colorado since Alferd Packer got out of prison.
... and now Smokey the Bear has hepatitis.
... and at least half of it was the starting lineup for the Denver Nuggets.
... next, on the season premier of Outdoor Hoarders.
... So now Sesame Street will be going on hiatus until Oscar finishes serving the sentence.
... otherwise known as the Mile High Music Festival.
... so if your Coors Light tastes a little funny, that's probably why.
In other disgusting news, Ben Carson said that he could not support a Muslim for President, because the Qur'an is incompatible with the U.S. Constitution, adding "yeah, I know that sounds crazy, but it's at most the second craziest thing you're going to hear a presidential candidate say today."
Speaking of Trump saying crazy things, the latest (as of this joke being written), is that Mr. Trump doesn't accept that Pres. Obama was born in the U.S. and is not a Muslim. He can't accept those facts, but has no trouble believing:
... that thing on his head looks like human hair.
... putting your name on enough buildings will make your dick seem bigger.
... there's nothing hypocritical about decrying the use of cheap Mexican labor by American companies while simultaneously having his clothing line assembled in Mexico.
... people like him for who he is.
And one more: Hillary Clinton said that Donald Trump's hair looks like Dairy Queen soft serve ice cream, and now she's being sued by Dairy Queen.
Speaking of Hillary Clinton, she made some news recently for dancing with supporters on a rope line in New Hampshire. The dancing turned a little competitive, with Sec. Clinton eventually yelling in a supporter's face: YOU GOT SERVERED! It was almost as awkward as the last two years of her husband's presidency.
Later, gators!
Showing posts with label crime. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crime. Show all posts
Monday, September 21, 2015
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 23, 2012
It's late and I'm tired. Feast upon these jokes, you pioneers of comedy.
The Benihana restaurant chain is to be taken private in a $296 million deal. Although it will probably be somewhat higher after gratuity.
In more business news, the Motel 6 chain is also being sold to a private equity group for $1.9 billion dollars. But it would have been less if they'd booked it in the off season. Rookie mistake.
Catholic Cardinal Dolan lashed out at the Obama administration yesterday, saying that rules governing insurance coverage of contraceptives are "strangling" the Catholic church. Quick tip: if the contraceptives are strangling you, you're probably not using them properly. Also, you're probably celibate, so maybe you should shut up about it.
The Hip Hop Hall of Fame now has a permanent home in New York City. Take that, West Coast! You ain't reppin' shit now!
In Michigan, a mother is being sought by police for coercing her daughter into shoplifting a bunch of crap from Old Navy. Apparently she neglected the important lessons about not getting caught, and exactly what snitches get. (Hint: it's stitches)
"Actor" Bruce Willis said yesterday that Mitt Romney is an "embarrassment" and a "dissapointment," and this is coming from a guy who made Hudson Hawk and helped create Planet Hollywood.
In Seattle, an irate moviegoer punched a 10 year-old in the face when he wouldn't stop talking during a screening of Titanic 3D. Well, there's the next "silence is golden" PSA for the next generation. Also, the punch probably is the most dramatic use of 3D technology in cinema history.
And finally, a school psychiatrist in New Orleans posted racially inflammatory comments online about African American students. I believe the website was www.PleaseFireMe.com. Specifically, "Dr." Traina said that "young black thugs" need to be "put down like the dogs they are." Strangely, he also posted that dogs should be given adequately funded schools, community involvement and teachers who are invested in their success.
HOW IRONIC. Okay, that's all. Thanks for reading!
The Benihana restaurant chain is to be taken private in a $296 million deal. Although it will probably be somewhat higher after gratuity.
In more business news, the Motel 6 chain is also being sold to a private equity group for $1.9 billion dollars. But it would have been less if they'd booked it in the off season. Rookie mistake.
Catholic Cardinal Dolan lashed out at the Obama administration yesterday, saying that rules governing insurance coverage of contraceptives are "strangling" the Catholic church. Quick tip: if the contraceptives are strangling you, you're probably not using them properly. Also, you're probably celibate, so maybe you should shut up about it.
The Hip Hop Hall of Fame now has a permanent home in New York City. Take that, West Coast! You ain't reppin' shit now!
In Michigan, a mother is being sought by police for coercing her daughter into shoplifting a bunch of crap from Old Navy. Apparently she neglected the important lessons about not getting caught, and exactly what snitches get. (Hint: it's stitches)
"Actor" Bruce Willis said yesterday that Mitt Romney is an "embarrassment" and a "dissapointment," and this is coming from a guy who made Hudson Hawk and helped create Planet Hollywood.
In Seattle, an irate moviegoer punched a 10 year-old in the face when he wouldn't stop talking during a screening of Titanic 3D. Well, there's the next "silence is golden" PSA for the next generation. Also, the punch probably is the most dramatic use of 3D technology in cinema history.
And finally, a school psychiatrist in New Orleans posted racially inflammatory comments online about African American students. I believe the website was www.PleaseFireMe.com. Specifically, "Dr." Traina said that "young black thugs" need to be "put down like the dogs they are." Strangely, he also posted that dogs should be given adequately funded schools, community involvement and teachers who are invested in their success.
HOW IRONIC. Okay, that's all. Thanks for reading!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2012
Welcome back! Let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah.
This weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury used his time at the pulpit to publicly attack what he called "welfarism" in the UK, saying that it is unhealthy for people to depend on handouts from the government. Donation plates were then passed around.
In London, a woman was charged with breaking into Simon Cowell's house. Not only is she facing jail time, but also a withering rebuke-filled assessment of her performance in the crime from Mr. Cowell. Time served, I say.
Remember Mike Daisey and The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs? Remember how Change.org started a petition online to protect Chinese workers' rights? Well, now that the story has been discredited, organizers are trying to recall the petition. But mainly because they think that most of the 250,000 signatures are names that Mike Daisey made up.
Dolly Parton's workplace musical 9 to 5 is set for its UK debut, although it is now being promoted as a fantasy, due to the fact that all the characters have full-time jobs.
Blogging website Tumblr will start banning all blogs devoted to "harming oneself," which means they'll be taking down all the Jersey Shore recaps. Amirite?! Also, people cutting themselves and engaging in eating disorders. Which are marginally more disgusting than Paulie D.
Mad Men is back, so now we can all get back to pretending it's our favorite show.
Correction from yesterday: Gallagher is not retiring, he's just refocusing on his health. And if he goes after his health with the same focus and dedication he applied to improving his comedy, he'll be dead in a week.
And finally, drivers for a medical marijuana delivery company reported that a group of men "dressed as ninjas" robbed their truck recently. Yeah, of course they did.
Okay, that's all. Come back tomorrow for more free entertainment worth every penny!
This weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury used his time at the pulpit to publicly attack what he called "welfarism" in the UK, saying that it is unhealthy for people to depend on handouts from the government. Donation plates were then passed around.
In London, a woman was charged with breaking into Simon Cowell's house. Not only is she facing jail time, but also a withering rebuke-filled assessment of her performance in the crime from Mr. Cowell. Time served, I say.
Remember Mike Daisey and The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs? Remember how Change.org started a petition online to protect Chinese workers' rights? Well, now that the story has been discredited, organizers are trying to recall the petition. But mainly because they think that most of the 250,000 signatures are names that Mike Daisey made up.
Dolly Parton's workplace musical 9 to 5 is set for its UK debut, although it is now being promoted as a fantasy, due to the fact that all the characters have full-time jobs.
Blogging website Tumblr will start banning all blogs devoted to "harming oneself," which means they'll be taking down all the Jersey Shore recaps. Amirite?! Also, people cutting themselves and engaging in eating disorders. Which are marginally more disgusting than Paulie D.
Mad Men is back, so now we can all get back to pretending it's our favorite show.
Correction from yesterday: Gallagher is not retiring, he's just refocusing on his health. And if he goes after his health with the same focus and dedication he applied to improving his comedy, he'll be dead in a week.
And finally, drivers for a medical marijuana delivery company reported that a group of men "dressed as ninjas" robbed their truck recently. Yeah, of course they did.
Okay, that's all. Come back tomorrow for more free entertainment worth every penny!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - November 28, 2011
Vacation's over. Back to work. Happy Monday, or whatever. Did anyone else have to buy new pants this weekend? Anyway, here's some jokes to get your stuffing-filled bellies jiggling.
The Arab League voted to level sanctions against Syria yesterday, making them ineligible for this year's Arab Bowl.
In America, cities are spending millions of dollars to fund police department operations to clear out Occupy Wall Street protest camps while cutting funding to homeless shelters. Wait a minute, I think I just figured out the budget crisis.
New Hampshire's leading conservative newspaper, The Union Leader, called Mitt Romney the "perfect President for the 19th century." A confused Romney thanked The Union Leader for their endorsement.
Speaking of endorsements, The Union Leader actually did endorse Newt Gingrich. Which had nothing to do with the full page ad purchased by Tiffany and Co. on page C-2.
A high school student in Kansas was punished recently for tweeting that she thought Gov. Sam Brownback "sucked." The controversial tweet was seen by the girl's 60 followers, or in Kansas terms: an entire Congressional District. In a related story, the Governor's office contacted the school about the tweet because, as it turns out, the Governor is a big crybaby.
In Florida, three employees of a septic tank company are facing jail time for tricking customers into purchasing a special kind of toilet paper. Add that to the list of Worst Reasons to Go to Jail. I bet they feel pretty... badly about that. Thought I was going to say "shitty," right? Well, not this time.
NBC apologized last week for playing "Lyin' Ass Bitch" during Michele Bachmann's visit to Late Night with Jiummy Fallon, but have remained strangely silent on the issue of Whitney. Come on, NBC. America is waiting.
And finally, Rick Santorum went on the record at Tuesday's debate in support of religious profiling of Muslims by law enforcement. It's part of Santorum's efforts to sew up the bigot vote. Go get 'em, Rick!
And that's the end. More tomorrow, I promise. Until then, have a great day!
The Arab League voted to level sanctions against Syria yesterday, making them ineligible for this year's Arab Bowl.
In America, cities are spending millions of dollars to fund police department operations to clear out Occupy Wall Street protest camps while cutting funding to homeless shelters. Wait a minute, I think I just figured out the budget crisis.
New Hampshire's leading conservative newspaper, The Union Leader, called Mitt Romney the "perfect President for the 19th century." A confused Romney thanked The Union Leader for their endorsement.
Speaking of endorsements, The Union Leader actually did endorse Newt Gingrich. Which had nothing to do with the full page ad purchased by Tiffany and Co. on page C-2.
A high school student in Kansas was punished recently for tweeting that she thought Gov. Sam Brownback "sucked." The controversial tweet was seen by the girl's 60 followers, or in Kansas terms: an entire Congressional District. In a related story, the Governor's office contacted the school about the tweet because, as it turns out, the Governor is a big crybaby.
In Florida, three employees of a septic tank company are facing jail time for tricking customers into purchasing a special kind of toilet paper. Add that to the list of Worst Reasons to Go to Jail. I bet they feel pretty... badly about that. Thought I was going to say "shitty," right? Well, not this time.
NBC apologized last week for playing "Lyin' Ass Bitch" during Michele Bachmann's visit to Late Night with Jiummy Fallon, but have remained strangely silent on the issue of Whitney. Come on, NBC. America is waiting.
And finally, Rick Santorum went on the record at Tuesday's debate in support of religious profiling of Muslims by law enforcement. It's part of Santorum's efforts to sew up the bigot vote. Go get 'em, Rick!
And that's the end. More tomorrow, I promise. Until then, have a great day!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2011
Happy Tuesday! Let's get to it.
In Philadelphia, an alleged crime boss was arrested yesterday. In hindsight, his only mistake was being a crime boss.
Speaking of crime, a man in Colorado Springs robbed a Wells Fargo bank while on crutches. Witnesses reported feeling terrified and inspired.
In fake crime, a 44-year old Canadian man told his wife that he had been mugged, rather than admit that he was unable to secure tickets to Oprah Winfrey's last show. Too bad Oprah's going off the air, because that sounds like a good show topic.
Speaking of talk show hosts, Rikki Lake said recently that being in love has made her fat. Still no explanation as to what made her a terrible actress.
In end of the world news, Biblical math-enthusiast Harold Camping, the 89-year old who predicted the world would end on Saturday, clarified yesterday that the actual end of the world will occur on October 21st. It's amazing that Camping has stuck to his guns on the whole "I figured out when the world is going to end" business, rather than just admit that he doesn't understand metaphors.
In other news signaling the end of the world, let's talk about the Billboard Music Awards. At the ceremony this weekend, Rihanna's security detail kept little Justin Bieber from talking to the star at the end of the program. Bieber, obviously angered by the snub, kept his cool and didn't bite anyone. Are you taking notes, Chris Brown?
Speaking of taking notes, TMZ is reporting that the Schwarzenegger love child story was initially leaked to the press by Maria Shriver's people. Seems fair, seeing as how the whole thing started with a leak from Arnold.
And lastly, Mark Zuckerberg said this week that he thinks children under 13 should be allowed to use Facebook, due to the great potential for education afforded by the website. NAMBLA issued a statement of support.
That's all for now, I guess. See you tomorrow! Till, then, don't forget your sunblock, and have a great day!
In Philadelphia, an alleged crime boss was arrested yesterday. In hindsight, his only mistake was being a crime boss.
Speaking of crime, a man in Colorado Springs robbed a Wells Fargo bank while on crutches. Witnesses reported feeling terrified and inspired.
In fake crime, a 44-year old Canadian man told his wife that he had been mugged, rather than admit that he was unable to secure tickets to Oprah Winfrey's last show. Too bad Oprah's going off the air, because that sounds like a good show topic.
Speaking of talk show hosts, Rikki Lake said recently that being in love has made her fat. Still no explanation as to what made her a terrible actress.
In end of the world news, Biblical math-enthusiast Harold Camping, the 89-year old who predicted the world would end on Saturday, clarified yesterday that the actual end of the world will occur on October 21st. It's amazing that Camping has stuck to his guns on the whole "I figured out when the world is going to end" business, rather than just admit that he doesn't understand metaphors.
In other news signaling the end of the world, let's talk about the Billboard Music Awards. At the ceremony this weekend, Rihanna's security detail kept little Justin Bieber from talking to the star at the end of the program. Bieber, obviously angered by the snub, kept his cool and didn't bite anyone. Are you taking notes, Chris Brown?
Speaking of taking notes, TMZ is reporting that the Schwarzenegger love child story was initially leaked to the press by Maria Shriver's people. Seems fair, seeing as how the whole thing started with a leak from Arnold.
And lastly, Mark Zuckerberg said this week that he thinks children under 13 should be allowed to use Facebook, due to the great potential for education afforded by the website. NAMBLA issued a statement of support.
That's all for now, I guess. See you tomorrow! Till, then, don't forget your sunblock, and have a great day!
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