Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2012

Welcome back! Let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah.

This weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury used his time at the pulpit to publicly attack what he called "welfarism" in the UK, saying that it is unhealthy for people to depend on handouts from the government. Donation plates were then passed around.

In London, a woman was charged with breaking into Simon Cowell's house. Not only is she facing jail time, but also a withering rebuke-filled assessment of her performance in the crime from Mr. Cowell. Time served, I say.

Remember Mike Daisey and The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs? Remember how Change.org started a petition online to protect Chinese workers' rights? Well, now that the story has been discredited, organizers are trying to recall the petition. But mainly because they think that most of the 250,000 signatures are names that Mike Daisey made up.

Dolly Parton's workplace musical 9 to 5 is set for its UK debut, although it is now being promoted as a fantasy, due to the fact that all the characters have full-time jobs.

Blogging website Tumblr will start banning all blogs devoted to "harming oneself," which means they'll be taking down all the Jersey Shore recaps. Amirite?! Also, people cutting themselves and engaging in eating disorders. Which are marginally more disgusting than Paulie D.

Mad Men is back, so now we can all get back to pretending it's our favorite show.

Correction from yesterday: Gallagher is not retiring, he's just refocusing on his health. And if he goes after his health with the same focus and dedication he applied to improving his comedy, he'll be dead in a week.

And finally, drivers for a medical marijuana delivery company reported that a group of men "dressed as ninjas" robbed their truck recently. Yeah, of course they did.

Okay, that's all. Come back tomorrow for more free entertainment worth every penny!