Sunday, March 4, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - March 5, 2012

Oh, happy Monday my friends. Did you have an amazing weekend? Then keep it to yourself. I spent all weekend seeing just how many cubic feet of Kleenex I could soil with only the power of my nose. It's a sizable number. But in between, I was able to craft you these jokes. Don't worry, I washed my hands first.

North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.

In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.

In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.

Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.

George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.

Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"

And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.

...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!

...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.

...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.

...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.

...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.

...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com

...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.

Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Chime in!