Thursday Morning Monologue - January 12, 2012

No time to waste! JOKES x 8 = BONUS ROUND!

Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...

Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."

Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.

He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.

Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time

Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.

The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.

Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."

Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.

And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"

That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!

Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com

Welcome back to your week, you happy people! Wait, it's Monday. You can switch out "happy" in that sentence for whatever suits your fancy today. There, at least something is going your way.

Okay, here's something, I think. Musicians and nerds in Japan have created a completely synthetic pop-star named Hatsune Miku. She's completely fake, which has me wondering if she isn't a Simpson sister.

Speaking of fake, did you hear about "A Gay Girl in Damascus?" The popular blog told the story of a gay woman in Syria who was supposedly abducted by the authorities. After a massive Internet campaign demanding her release, the author of the blog, Tom MacMaster, came forward and admitted the hoax. It's a good thing Oprah already retired. MacMaster did apologize, though, for tricking people into caring about the middle-east.

In a related story, the U.S. State Department is preparing secret technological aid packages for dissidents to use to get information out when their governments start cracking down on protests and reform movements. Or, we could just quit selling tanks and guns to their dictators. You know, whichever is easiest, I guess.

Speaking of unlikely, Alaska released 24,000 pages of Sarah Palin's emails last week. Early reports indicate she was "surprised" to be chosen as the VP candidate in 2008. Of course, she strikes me as the kind of person to be surprised by toast popping up, so maybe that's not a great indicator. Also surprising: the number of emails discussing American Idol.

In Arizona, residents are being allowed back into their homes in the wake of the recent wildfires, or as Arizonans are calling them "that cold snap."

In New York, voters are staging anti-Weiner rallies. I'm sure there's a cheap Indigo Girls joke in there, but I won't make it. Instead, I'll just mention the rallies were headlined by Wanda Sykes and Teagan & Sara. BOOM! UPDATED!

In fashion news, country singer LeAnn Rimes got a new haircut this weekend, chopping off several inches from her hair. The singer explained "it was making me feel fat. Okay, I've gotta go do some crunches. Problem? No, I don't have body-issues! Why would you say that? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Seriously, someone's got to make her eat some donuts.

And lastly, friends and family of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords posted new photos of the smiling Congresswoman on Facebook. And not a single photo showed her genitals. Are you taking notes, Congress?

Okay, that's all for now. I can't believe there were two Weiner jokes. I'm as ashamed as you are. Okay, I've gotta go. Have a great day, and don't forget your sunblock!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 25, 2011

So... this week has been pretty light on the light-hearted banter. More like extra-light. My apologies. I blame my allergies for this. Why? I don't have a real reason, but I hate them so much. I hate them like Pakistan hates having to admit that members of its security services and armed forces are actively collaborating with international terrorists. Wait, what? I'm not sure what I meant by that, but it sounds bad for Pakistan. Good thing they don't have nuclear... Oh. Right. Eff. Oh well, have some jokes!

Have you all been keeping up with Dancing with the Stars? Have you noticed how much weight Kirstie Alley has lost? She's dropped 38 inches since the season started! Isn't that great? Ms. Alley has been so inspired by her dramatic transformation that she's now working on a diet and exercise plan called "Join the Cast of Dancing with the Stars." Admittedly, it requires more of a commitment than most people will be capable of. For example, the first step: "become a major star, beloved by millions, then fade into semi to total obscurity and wait for Tom Bergeron to call you." It's tough, but you can't argue with the results.

Elsewhere on the magical story box, Mark Burnett, the producer of CBS’s hit reality show Survivor has signed on with the History Channel to produce a 10-hour miniseries based upon the Bible. I’m sure it will be awesome, and completely respectful of the source material. Although it's going to be weird for Burnett to be working with material that's already scripted out with a clear ending in mind.

Hey, remember Candy Land, that fun children’s game from our childhood? It was the one where you, I don’t know, get candy or something? Well, pre-production began recently on the Candy Land movie! As expected, Michael Bay is slated to direct. Now you’ll get to see what it looks like when a sparkly sugar castle gets blown all to hell by robotic alien pirates. That’s probably not true, but man, what if it was?

Back to television, because that's what we love, there's big news for American Idol fans. This week, the show's creator, Simon Fuller, was honored with his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. In a related story, Justin Gaurini will be sleeping on the sidewalk near that star. Is that how you spell his name? Oh, who gives a crap? Certainly not America.

In sadder news, the National Pinball Museum will be closing after just five months, due to a lack of funding. Although, if they get a match, they’ll get one more play. That’s a pinball joke. It barely makes sense if you’ve played pinball, and makes no sense if you haven’t. There, I admitted it. You happy now?

In other news of unhappy matches, an America woman in Salt Lake City was arrested this week for attempting to sell her daughter’s virginity. In her defense, however, the guy was offering a lot of cows and goats.

Speaking of legal issues, a recent Supreme Court ruling is forcing California to release 37,000 inmates from the state’s prisons. Unfortunately, Mark Burnett is already tied up with the Bible series on the History Channel, or else that would be one sweet reality show.

And finally, in Internet news, LinkedIn is now estimated to be worth approximately $4 billion, which means someone must have figured out how to use it for sex.

Over and out, my friends! Keep up the sunblock and let me know how the SPF is working out for you! Tell your friends the same, and we'll see you tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.

P.s.: it's either boxer shorts or south asian geopolitical analysis. No middle ground here, dear readers. I welcome your banter choice.

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 14, 2011

Did you know that "Thursday" is named for the legendary Greek hero "Thursdosius?" You didn't know that? Well, don't feel bad. It's not true. Who needs segues? We've got jokes!

Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.

In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."

In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.

In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."

Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"

Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.

An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"

Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.

That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!

Friday's with Spencer: Now with less calories!

Starbucks is introducing a new 31-ounce coffee cup size in May to compete with McDonald's cheaper and bigger coffee menu. In a related story, Starbucks is also starting a dating service for people who love J. Crew and iPhones. Your move McDonald's.