Starbucks is introducing a new 31-ounce coffee cup size in May to compete with McDonald's cheaper and bigger coffee menu. In a related story, Starbucks is also starting a dating service for people who love J. Crew and iPhones. Your move McDonald's.
Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, is taking some time off from the job. He said, “In the meantime, my family and I would deeply appreciate respect for our privacy." An AT&T spokesman said, "He has nothing to worry about. With our splotchy network, he should have no trouble falling off the grid."
President Obama scored high marks in a Washington Post-ABC News poll for his response to the Tucson shooting—with even 71 percent of Republicans approving of his leadership. A Republican strategist said, "We still hate him, but damn, that dude can give a speech!"
Some Golden Globe executives said Ricky Gervais' choice of jokes were, "totally unacceptable." Adding, "He will never work in this town again!" He then turned to an assistant and asked, "We still control the media, right?"
Former Vice-President, Dick Cheney, is considering a heart transplant to extend his life. His doctor said, "Why does he keep telling the media he is having 'operations'? He is paying for supervised blood-lettings."
In a related story, the Red Cross is asking for donations of infant blood. Deliciously pure, infant blood.
Alabama Governor Robert Bentley recently said, "Only Christians are my brothers and sisters." Afterward Bentley clarified, "I meant 'brothers' and 'sisters' in the black sense. Now, let's go lynch a Muslim."
Speaking of governors, California Governor Jerry Brown has proposed $12.5 billion in cuts to balance the budget. In a press conference, Brown said, "It was actually pretty simple. I just ended the previous administrations plan to create a time-traveling cyborg made of liquid metal that has the ability to think."
Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez, the new hosts of American Idol saw the ratings plummet to their lowest ever. Former host, Simon Cowell, said, "Seriously, Jennifer Lopez turns everything she touches into poison. She's like Midas... only with failure. Sleeping with Puff Daddy was the only good thing she's done with her career. Don't even get me started on Steven Tyler, what has he done in the past 20 years? He has great taste in scarfs to tie around a mic stand, but knows nothing about launching careers." He then stared whistfully into the background and whispered to himself, "I still got it."
An investigative article by Sports Illustrated says the 7-time Tour De France winner, Lance Armstrong, might have advocated doping to his teammates. An annonymous teammate said, "To be fair, he also advocated the use of special bike seats for people with one nut."
Kisses!
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