Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

Kim Kardashian performed her new single at a New Years Eve party, ensuring that whatever else happens in music throughout the course of the year, it will be an improvement.

International human rights groups are monitoring an upcoming referendum on independence in Southern Sudan. Specifically, they're on the lookout for what they call "potential spoilers" who may attempt to undermine the election. or as the rest of the world knows them, "death squads."

The newest version of Microsoft Internet explorer has been downloaded over 20 million times. This milestone was greeted with high praise and celebration by both hackers and grandparents all over the world. The number one reason? It's just so easy!

Speaking of suboptimal software, NewsCorp is poised to sell Myspace for somewhere near $50billion, confirming that some people have obviously never seen Myspace. In a related story, the founders of Friendster are kicking themselves for not simply making their website less stable and more difficult to use!

A recent study found nearly two thirds of people become angry at God when they undergo physical, emotional or psychological trauma. The study was published in The American Journal of Duh.

A horrible flaw in the programming for the the new iPhone has led to thousands of people oversleeping recently as their alarms failed to go off. A consumer advocate tried to voice outrage over the issue, but was too well-rested to effectively gripe about the otherwise useful smart phone.

Also flawed, Justice Scalia recently said in an interview that the Constitution does not protect women against discrimination. It does grant them the right to remain sexy, however. Justice Clarence Thomas immediately wrote a concurring opinion.

Lastly, Virginia public schools are returning thousands of history textbooks filled with factual errors. Educators should have known something was up when the first chapter was called "History: For Nerds" and contained 20 pages of a Spider-Man comic book from 1978. When asked to explain their decision to purchase the substandard books, nearly two thirds of the state board of education blamed God.

That's it. They can't all be brilliant, folks.