Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 5, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

A book publisher plans to remove racist language from the classic novels Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer to make the books more acceptable, leading to thousands of angry letters from fans of Mark Twain. A similar plan to remove racist language from Don Imus has met with zero opposition.

A recent medical survey found that people who move faster tend to live longer. The study may be invalidated, however, as it was revealed that test subjects were being chased by a pack of wild dogs.

Iran finally invited international inspectors from several countries to visit its nuclear program. The United States was conspicuously excluded from the guest list. In a move aimed to further disrespect the U.S.A., Iran announced that "after the inspections, we're all going to go get some ice cream, with sprinkles. Wow, it sure would suck to not be hanging out with us today! HA HA HA!"

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi announced that she is ready to resume the fight in Congress this term. The former Speaker of the House said "the problem as I see it is that we had too many Democratic members of Congress. As you know, they're a pretty grabastic, self-destructive lot. Now that we've gotten rid of a bunch of them, we can finally get down to the business of pursuing Democratic goals without all those dumbass Congressmen getting in the way."

The unemployment rate is up in Germany. Not to worry, though, they're pretty good at figuring out ways to stay busy.

A new motion-sensitive device will allow users to control their computers by pointing and clicking on different elements on the screen. This amazing new device is called a "mouse."

The Navy has removed the Captain of the USS Enterprise from command after he made and distributed offensive videos aboard the ship. Looking back on his fall from grace, Captain Owen Honors said "my only mistake was making and distributing these offensive, prohibited videos. Who would have thought handing out evidence of my poor judgement would lead people to believe that I shouldn't be in command of a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier?"

In other water news, deepwater offshore drilling resumed today, because all of those problems have been worked out and we've got nothing at all to worry about.

Lastly, a church in Massapequa Park, New York, recently advised its parishioners to get Hepatitis vaccinations after communion wafers were tainted with the virus, which typically is transferred when carriers fail to wash underneath their fingernails. So, once again, the body of Christ gets messed up by nails.

That's it. I need to go wash my hands.