Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 25, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

After China announced it's own stealth fighter last week, some in the defense community speculated that the aircraft may be made with stolen American technology, which would make it the first Chinese product made with American electronics. When news of the possible theft reached the White House, President Obama hailed this as a great first step toward closing the US/China trade deficit.

Rapper and gun-enthusiast 40 Glocc was arrested on weapons charges this week in a clear-cut case of law enforcement unjustly profiling people named after firearms.

Portugal re-elected President Anibal Cavaco Silva to another full term this week, leading many to wonder "who cares?"

Pope Benedict recently gave a "qualified blessing" to social networking this week, but cautioned that online relationships are no substitute for real human contact, adding "it's kind of weird to become so emotionally invested in a relationship with someone you've never met, heard or even seen for yourself. Honestly, who does that?"

A woman in Argentina survived a 23-story fall this weekend. She's already in talks with the Chicago Bears to take over for Jay Cutler next season. (Psst! That's a football joke!)

Poison frontman and hopeless romantic Bret Michaels is undergoing surgery soon to repair a hole in his heart. When reached for comment, Michaels said "yeah, I know. 'Hole in my heart.' Of all the illnesses in the world, I have to get one from a song by Extreme! Those guys suck! I'd much rather have some kind of poisoning. Lead, mercury, alcohol, I'm not picky! Obviously."

An appeals court booted Rahm Emanuel off the Chicago mayoral ballot this week. When reached for comment, Mr. Emanuel said, "this is a setback, clearly, but it's nothing that a mixture of intimidation, bribery and shady backroom deals can't fix." He then stayed perfectly motionless and stared cooly at the back of the room until everyone left.

Lastly, scientists are close to redefining the kilogram. Researchers plan to base the kilogram upon a mathematical expression using the Planck Constant, rather than relying upon physical measurements taken over a century ago. "This is a very exciting development," said a man who does not understand what the word "exciting" means.

That's it.