Alright, let's get to it.
Researchers at Ohio State University found that students say they prefer receiving praise to drinking, having sex or earning money. The study also revealed that students really enjoy lying to researchers.
The American Red Cross began new incentives this week to offer gift cards and thank you notes to their blood donors. When reached for comment, a representative from Hallmark said, “finally! We’ve been trying to get rid of these ‘thanks for all the blood’ cards for years. You want one?” In a related story, does this mean the Red Cross hasn't been thanking people for their blood? That seems a trifle gauche.
The National Weather Service issued a warning for a blizzard in the south, near the Atlantic Coast. Having learned from the New York blizzard several weeks ago, Delta has preemptively cancelled hundreds of flights and begun losing thousands of pieces of luggage. New York City Mayor Bloomberg followed suit, driving the city’s snow plows into the East River “just in case the storm heads north.”
A portable hard drive went on the market this week that can survive a gunshot, thanks to a special armored casing, which means now that America’s pornography will be better protected than its soldiers.
Speaking of computers, a specially-built IBM computer will challenge two Jeopardy! champions in February in what is surely the nerdiest television ever created. In a similar move, VH1 has greenlit a reality show where pick-up artist Neil Strauss teaches a computer “The Game” to see how many women it can seduce. In an extra-special episode, the computer catches a virus and has to be de-fragged.
Sarah Palin’s reality show ended this week after one season. It was supposed to go for two seasons, but "blah-blah-blah, she quit early." I'm sorry, but I can't bring myself to finish that joke. I actually think it’s more important for me to continue writing other jokes, and not finish this one. Oh, it’s so meta!
A rumor spread across the Internet this week that Facebook would cease operations on March 15, 2011, leading to panic amongst frustrated extroverts all over the world. When asked to pinpoint the possible source of the rumor, Facebook representatives said “we have no idea who did this, and we’re certainly not digging through user files and data to find the source. Seriously. Please keep giving us your information!”
Lastly, the History Channel announced it will not air a historically inaccurate and politically-biased miniseries about the Kennedy family produced by the creator of 24. When asked for comment, a spokesman for the network explained, “we have a certain standard of truth and accuracy that we have to uphold at the History Channel. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go order 16 more episodes of a show about alien lizards fighting Nazis in the center of the earth.”
That's it. Keep watching the skies.
Researchers at Ohio State University found that students say they prefer receiving praise to drinking, having sex or earning money. The study also revealed that students really enjoy lying to researchers.
The American Red Cross began new incentives this week to offer gift cards and thank you notes to their blood donors. When reached for comment, a representative from Hallmark said, “finally! We’ve been trying to get rid of these ‘thanks for all the blood’ cards for years. You want one?” In a related story, does this mean the Red Cross hasn't been thanking people for their blood? That seems a trifle gauche.
The National Weather Service issued a warning for a blizzard in the south, near the Atlantic Coast. Having learned from the New York blizzard several weeks ago, Delta has preemptively cancelled hundreds of flights and begun losing thousands of pieces of luggage. New York City Mayor Bloomberg followed suit, driving the city’s snow plows into the East River “just in case the storm heads north.”
A portable hard drive went on the market this week that can survive a gunshot, thanks to a special armored casing, which means now that America’s pornography will be better protected than its soldiers.
Speaking of computers, a specially-built IBM computer will challenge two Jeopardy! champions in February in what is surely the nerdiest television ever created. In a similar move, VH1 has greenlit a reality show where pick-up artist Neil Strauss teaches a computer “The Game” to see how many women it can seduce. In an extra-special episode, the computer catches a virus and has to be de-fragged.
Sarah Palin’s reality show ended this week after one season. It was supposed to go for two seasons, but "blah-blah-blah, she quit early." I'm sorry, but I can't bring myself to finish that joke. I actually think it’s more important for me to continue writing other jokes, and not finish this one. Oh, it’s so meta!
A rumor spread across the Internet this week that Facebook would cease operations on March 15, 2011, leading to panic amongst frustrated extroverts all over the world. When asked to pinpoint the possible source of the rumor, Facebook representatives said “we have no idea who did this, and we’re certainly not digging through user files and data to find the source. Seriously. Please keep giving us your information!”
Lastly, the History Channel announced it will not air a historically inaccurate and politically-biased miniseries about the Kennedy family produced by the creator of 24. When asked for comment, a spokesman for the network explained, “we have a certain standard of truth and accuracy that we have to uphold at the History Channel. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go order 16 more episodes of a show about alien lizards fighting Nazis in the center of the earth.”
That's it. Keep watching the skies.
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