Thursday Morning Monologue - January 13, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

In an interview this week, the Jersey Shore "star" known as "Snooki" said she is tired of her nickname. In a related story, America is tired of her. Oh, and she wrote a novel. So, expect to see thousands of unread copies of the book littering east coast beaches this summer.

Prince Harry is planning to join a trek to the north pole with a group of injured soldiers in the hopes of becoming a Jules Verne character.

In "Punk's Not Dead" news, an Andy Warhol print of Chairman Mao, once owned by counter-culture luminary Dennis Hopper, sold yesterday at auction for over $300,000 in a clear signal that the revolution is over. For everyone. The only way this story could be more disheartening is if the buyer is a Baby Boomer orthodontist who made his fortune investing in plastics.

A report from MarkMonitor revealed this week that websites featuring pirated content, such as video games, music and movies, attract 53 billion visits per year. At the end of this year long study, the researchers were able to point to a cause for the high traffic: people don't like to pay for things.

This week, a man who had been shot in the head actually sneezed out the bullet. You don't want to be around when this guy gets diarrhea.

It turns out that the same man who wrote a discredited study linking childhood vaccines to autism also owns a patent for an autism test based upon his fraudulent work. When reached for comment, the author explained, "oh yeah, I'm a horrible human being. Hey, do you guys wanna buy some conflict diamonds? Club some baby seals? Come on, let's do something! I've got roofies!"

The Dutch are now attempting to tax prostitution, leading to protests from prostitutes who don't want to get screwed twice.

Lastly, Holly Madison, once linked romantically to the reanimated corpse of Hugh Hefner, is upset after learning her ex plans to marry. "It's just so hard to let go," she said, "it's even harder than all those times he died."

That's it. Friday belongs to Spencer, and I'll see you Monday.