Alright, let's get to it.
Cable network TLC is planning a week of coverage for the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The network pledged to cover the events with their usual respect and decorum, including reenactments of the ceremony performed by midgets and a special all-British episode of Sister Wives.
LeBron James announced he will star in a new cartoon series based upon himself. It will feature four characters that represent four different aspects of his own personality. And it's called "The LeBrons," because "The Self-Involved Narcissists" was already taken for an upcoming Aaron Sorkin play.
The House of Representatives voted yesterday to repeal the recently-passed federal healthcare legislation, which has provided extended healthcare and access to medication for millions of Americans. Next up on the legislative agenda: a national ban on puppies and a tax on orgasms. Go get 'em, guys!
French President Nicolas Sarkozy was recently booed by French farmers in the Alsace region of France when he accidentally said he was in Germany, causing the reanimated corpse of Kaiser Wilhelm to rise from the dead and shout "No backsies!"
The SONY Corporation is closing CD factories around the world. The closings appear to be part of a plan to increase efficiency, as pirates will no longer have to deal with physical CDs before disseminating the music on the Internet. Said one company spokesman, "we're confident that we can be leaders in this new paradigm of music piracy as we move forward," before adding "seriously, we're in trouble here."
Newly sworn-in Alabama Governor Robert Bently apologized for a remark in which he said of non-Christians "I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister." He clarified his comments by adding "I didn't intend to hurt anyone's feelings; in fact, I was under the impression that non-Christians didn't have feelings, due to the fact that they aren't actually people." Alabama voters have preemptively elected him to a second term.
Hundreds of people turned up recently at Caltech for a talk by physicist Stephen Hawking, despite the fact that he can't actually talk.
Lastly, a coffee shop based upon Central Perk, the famed fictitious coffee house featured in the sitcom Friends has opened Beijing. Finally, the sacrifices of Tiananmen Square are bearing fruit.
That's it. They can't all be winners.
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