Thursday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2012

What's up, friends? How about we find out... together. Aww...

In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.

In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.

A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.

Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!

Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.

In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."

Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.

And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.

I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - May 21, 2012

Did anyone see the eclipse yesterday? Better than Breaking Dawn, am I right? Oh, that was bad. Okay, the rest of this will probably be better. Fingers crossed!

Blind Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng made it to America this weekend, spending Sunday in New York. However, sources close to the dissident said he was rethinking his new home after a chance encounter with Donald Trump.

Pakistan censored Twitter on Saturday over posts about the "Everybody Draw Muhammad Day" contest, saying it was blasphemous and disruptive to society. But you can still watch "Call Me Maybe" on youtube.

This weekend, the NAACP came out in favor of marriage equality after realizing "oh, yeah, civil rights! Forgot about that. Sorry!"

In a speech at the NATO conference in Chicago this weekend, Francoise Hollande calmed international concerns over NATO's proposed missile defense shield when he reminded the world that there's no way the thing will ever work.

The National Weather Service tracked the impressive buildup and precipitous weakening of Tropical Storm Alberto this weekend off the coast of South Carolina. Looks like it should have been called "Tropical Storm Newt Gingrich!" BOOM! Only four months late!

Speaking of elections, third-party Americans Elect won a spot on the 2012 Oregon presidential ballot, but they have no candidate, which puts them ahead of the GOP. BOOM! Romney's a stuffed shirt!

Google's Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt told graduates at Boston College to turn off their screens for one hour and look into the eyes of the person they love. Bad news for the unloved losers! Also, a good way to scare someone away is to stare into their eyes for an hour each day, especially if your loved one is a chimpanzee, as they interpret that as a sign of aggression and will rip your arms off.

And finally, Maria Sharapova won the Italian Open this weekend, or some other tennis thing, making it totally justifiable and not at all creepy to look at pictures of her on the Internet. Stare at that for an hour, Boston College.

...and, SCENE! Till tomorrow, friends.

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2012

Good times are here again, people. It's Ladies' Night here at Late Night Morning, so help yourself to some shitty beer. I don't even know what that means. Let's dance! I mean, how about some jokes?

A medical researcher claims to have located the G-Spot, according to an article in next months's Journal of American Bragging.

Sources close to John Edwards say that he at first doubted that his love child was his, until he found out that the baby was cheating on a cancer patient. Runs in families.

In Bavaria, public schools may reintroduce passages of Hitler's book, Mein Kampf. I just hope that no one goes crazy and starts burning big piles of copies of the book, because I'm fairly certain that much irony would turn Germany into Brooklyn.

Rupert Murdoch said yesterday that phone hacking is "lazy" journalism, which is why he only employs journalists who go the extra mile and make shit up.

He also said that he has never had any political influence on British politicians. He then went on to deny the existence of bear droppings in the woods.

Actor Jason Segel complained recently that the head of a movie studio ordered him to lose weight for a film. The executive also cut his pay by 25% and demanded that he menstruate every four weeks.

Donald Trump demanded that Scotland cancel plans for an offshore wind farm near one of his golfing resorts. Either he's just trying to protect his combover, or Trump just wants to be the biggest windbag in the area.

And finally, Newt Gingrich will be suspending his Presidential campaign next week due to the fact that he's run out of books to sell. Better luck next time, Newt!

That's all for now! Maybe there'll be a podcast tomorrow, though. Wouldn't that be neat?! Till then, or whenever, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 24, 2012

It's Tuesday. So blah. How do you make Tuesday sexy? Well, I don't know. Maybe some slutty-looking lingerie? I'd probably enjoy seeing that. Okay, I guess that's creepy enough for now. Please partake in some slutty-looking jokes.

In Mexico, Wal-Mart executives apparently bribed government officials all over the country. But good news, they used cheap, Chinese-made bribes and passed the savings on to the consumer. That's the free market, baby!

Speaking of the free market, you know what happens when you don't regulate it? Well, first you get bribes, then you get drug cartels. Just a thought...

In Florida, the Sanford city council rejected Police Chief Bill Lee's resignation yesterday. How much must he suck if he can't even quit successfully?

Speaking of successfully quitting, Speaker John Boehner said recently that the GOP has a one in three chance of losing the House of Representatives. There's also a one in one chance that Speaker Boehner will cry creepily, no matter what happens.

Lyudmila Putin, wife of Vladimir Putin, has disappeared from the public eye in the last week, leading to speculation that she is either ill, pregnant, or was found out to be a double agent.


Oh, and Chris Brown is now selling puppies online. And I was wondering, "how can we make puppies sinister?"


X-Factor host Simon Cowell confirmed in his recent memoir that he is not gay, just a catty asshole.


Newt Gingrich is supporting an anti-gay marriage amendment in North Carolina, which  may be the best news for gay marriage this month.

And finally, the U.S. Army canceled a planned Ted Nugent concert after he kinda threatened to try to kill the President. Also, since it was revealed that he illegally killed a black bear, he's now been banned from the Country Bear Jamboree.

That's all! Tomorrow! Bye!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2012

Howdy, howdy! Let's have some happy stuff this morning. Or whenever. It's Monday, let's all deal with it.

A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.

Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.

This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"

Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!

NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.

In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.

Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.

And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...

• If God told him. You know, in his serious voice.
• If billionaires quit giving him money.
• If K-Mart would pick up his new line of sweater vests for the summer.
• If he came to his senses.

Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2012

Good to see you! The week is almost over, have you accomplished anything? If you have, keep it to yourself, overachiever. Now let's joke about semi-serious things.

Newt Gingrich just laid off a third of his campaign staff, blaming financial trouble. Thanks, Obama. Mitt Romney recommend outsourcing the campaign to Chinese workers.

Queen Elizabeth II will be getting her own wax statue at Madame Tussauds in London. So finally we'll be able to see a lifelike version of her. Because she doesn't look real.

The FBI licensed the Unreal game engine to assist in their training program. This should prove helpful in recovering all those flags that keep getting stolen.

A new painting by the long-dead painter Rembrandt is going on display, thus cementing his place as the art world's Tupac.

The bassist for Staind donated $150,000 for the purchase of an ambulance in rural Massachusetts, selfishly denying us our God-given right to hate him. What a philanthropic jerk.

NewsCorp Australia is now involved in a new hacking scandal, proving again that Australia always gets into trends two years too late.

Alicia Silverstone is mouth-feeding her toddler, so now mommy bloggers can have their own "Two Girls One Cup." Don't Google that.

And finally, Magic Johnson just bought the LA Dodgers because he's used to beating the odds.

That's all! See you tomorrow, maybe? Till then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 12, 2012

Good time of day to you! How was your 47 hour weekend? I'm pretty sure if I had that extra hour I could have solved the whole economic crisis thing. But I didn't. So thanks a lot, G.V. Hudson. I did have time to write these jokes. So you can read them.

In politics, Newt Gingrich said this weekend that Mitt Romney was the weakest GOP front runner in the last 90 years. He also said that self-awareness is for losers.

An Egyptian court acquitted a doctor charged with performing unwanted virginity tests on female protesters. He's already found a new job, too, working for Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell.

Nicolette Sheridan's wrongful termination suits against Desperate Housewives is almost over, which is one reason the trial is better than the show.

Former presidential candidate Rick Perry said today that if he runs for president again in 2016, he will definitely "remember the third thing." The fact that he's calling it the "third thing" means he's probably forgotten it already.

Internet videos about the atrocities committed by Ugandan shit-bastard Joseph Kony have gone viral, although the auto-tuned versions were probably not needed.

Bruce Springsteen performed at the Apollo Theater this weekend. The show was going well until he started playing his new stuff and the clown pushed him off the stage.

And finally, a NASA scientist claims he was fired from his job for believing in the "intelligent design" theory of evolution. He also believes that self-awareness is for losers.

That's it. See you tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2012

One more time, my friends. Here are some jokes of varying levels of hilarity. Enjoy at will!

PayPal is demanding vendors remove "obscene" e-books or lose their PayPal accounts. That means The Fountainhead, right?

In Michigan, a million dollar lottery winner is now on public assistance. What a shock that someone who buys lottery tickets would have trouble managing money.

Ugandan mega-shit Joseph Kony has been targeted by Twitter users who are trying to shed light on his atrocious crimes and inspire others to take action against him. If it works, maybe we can finally do something about Chris Brown and Whitney.

Following Mitt Romney's "Super Tuesday" wins, fellow candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich both rejected calls to quit. One analyst explained "they've based their entire campaigns on making horrible decisions, why would they stop now?"

The classic computer game SimCity is returning with a special "City Manager Version" on sale only in Michigan. It's just like the regular game, except you have absolutely no say in what happens, and your cities end up getting sold off to golf course developers.

Country singer Jerrod Niemann's tour bus burned up in Tennessee yesterday, spawning another hit single for Niemann.

In international news this week, Hamas denied being proxy for Iran, according to an Iranian press release.

And finally, the ReelzChannel has scheduled a pro-Palin documentary to air the same weekend as HBO's new film Game Chang. According to a representative from ReelzChannel (which does not in fact sound real), their decision is not motivated at all by politics. Nope, it's motivated by money, just like Sarah Palin.

BOOM! Okay, that wraps it up for me. Let's do this again soon, what do you say? Until then, have a series of great days. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour! To help remind you, here's "Clocks."

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 7, 2012

Roll it! We've got some ground to cover. No time for chit chat. None at all. Jokes...

The U.K. is celebrating the 60 years Queen Elizabeth II has spent on the throne. Longest potty-training ever.

Country musician Randy Travis was arrested for public intoxication outside a Texas church this weekend. Fortunately, he can write it off as a business expense.

Scientists from America and Russia are racing to be the first to drill into a newly-discovered Antarctic lake that has been hidden for 20 million years. The first team to find new forms of life gets to name them, and then eat them. Those are the rules of science.

Also, apparently they've never read At the Mountains of Madness.

Cyclist Alberto Contador was stripped of his Tour de France title for doping this week. It's a huge disappointment to his fans, who must now give back all the money they made betting on him. Those are the rules of gambling.

Speaking of gambling, Newt Gingrich edged out Ron Paul for second place in the Nevada primary, but unfortunately still did not cover the spread.

However, Gingrich did receive an endorsement from Chuck Norris yesterday. When asked if this was a purely political decision, Norris replied "this time, it's personal." Then a bunch of ninjas came in and Norris had to fight them off before they were able to talk about climate change.

Google recently hired a top executive away from Apple to work on a "secret project." Sources at Google confirm that it is, in fact, just a really big surprise birthday party.

And finally, 37 million people watched the season premier of The Voice on Sunday, or in other words: 14 times as many people as have voted in the GOP primary race so far. Maybe they could up that number with a crossover...

Congratulations, Whitney, you're no longer the worst thing I've seen on television.

Okay, that's it! See you next time!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2012

Happy Monday to you, and a happy birthday to Richard Cheney! He turns 71 years young today, in bold defiance of science and nature. Congratulations! Now why don't you go fuck yourself? Okay, now for some jokes.

In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.

Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.

Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.

At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.

In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.

Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.

Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.

And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.

And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 26, 2012

Can you believe it's Thursday already? It might not be Thursday when you read this, so that's pretty believable, I guess. Anyway, enjoy these mind-bending bits of... oh, Hell, they're just jokes. Read away!

President Barack Obama delivered his yearly State of the Union address Tuesday night. The program was the highest-rated program on NBC all week.

After Tuesday's State of the Union address, the Republican response, delivered by Governor Mitch Daniels, accused President Obama of making "efforts to divide us," saying that he was co-opting GOP plans to divide the nation.

Michele Bachmann is seeking a fourth term in Congress. And for some reason she's still campaigning in Iowa.

Newt Gingrich is refusing to debate if the audience can't applaud. Seems like Newt just can't escape the clap.

Rick Santorum wants the audience to make noise, too, but that's because he's hoping someone will shout out the answers.

Newt Gingrich announced that he would establish a colony on the moon if he were President. And by "establish a colony on the moon" he means "blast all the poor people into space."

In Arizona, President Obama had a tense conversation with Governor Jan Brewer, presumably over the fact that she's a terrible governor.

And finally, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said yesterday that President Obama wouldn't keep him on if he is reelected this fall. Well, finally Geithner starts making reasonable predictions.

Okay, that's all you get! There will be more Monday! And more tomorrow with Spencer! HOORAY!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 25, 2012

Better late than never? So sorry, but I fell asleep during the State of the Union last night. Had my own American dream. It's normal that I'm now concerned about all of our talking dog jobs being shipped overseas, right? And that those seas are full of sparkling fish-robots, right? That's normal? As per normal, here's some jokes.

Next year, Oscar voting will all be done online. Look for Ron Paul to be a big winner in several categories in 2013.

In Glenview, Illinois, a Lutheran pastor resigned yesterday over his use of "inappropriate language." I'm guessing it was Latin.

At auction, one of Liz Taylor's Dutch master sold for $2million! That must have been one unbelievable cigar.

In Oklahoma, singer Garth Brooks won back $1million he donated to a local hospital that failed to name its new building after his mother. In a related story, Chris Gaines can't afford health insurance.

In London, star of TV's Scrubs, Zach Braff, is making his big theatre debut in the west end. In a related story, the U.K. still considers Braff to be a celebrity. Suckers...

American public school lunches are set to get more vegetables and whole grains, much to the delight of kids who like throwing quality food at the foreign students.

In Los Angeles, the mayor finally signed into law a bill requiring porn actors to use condoms. It's expected that the industry will pull out of Los Angeles.

And finally, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are neck and neck in Florida. The race intensified this week, when Romney announced he was switching to "attack mode," although we need to keep in mind that he's still governed by Asimov's Laws. So, he's not that dangerous.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll be back real soon. Promise!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 23, 2012

Anything happen this weekend?

Two Canadian Naval officers have been accused of spilling state secrets recently, leading to suspicions that Canada actually has state secrets. Other than the Weapon X program, of course.

At a speaking event this weekend, Mitt Romney yelled back at hecklers in the audience, telling them to "take a hike." He then asked Geordi LaForge if this is "the human emotion 'anger' I've heard so much about." Because he's a robot. Like Data. From Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Ahead of the South Carolina primary, Mitt Romney described his competition with Newt Gingrich as "neck-and-neck." After his loss, a visibly upset Romney revised it to "neck-and-jowl."

Speaking of the race, Mitt Romney said this weekend that he will release his tax returns after all. Gingrich wasted no time in accusing Romney of "flip-flopping" on the issue.

Famed songwriter Burt Bacharach is writing his memoir, although it will probably do much better when someone else reads it for him.

In Chicago, a priest under investigation for sexual abuse was chastised this weekend for holding Mass while he is prohibited from public ministry. The priest apparently thought he was banned from pubic ministry. Simple mistake.

Star of MTV's The Hills, Kristin Cavallari, is expecting her first child. NBC has already offered the child a development deal. Seriously. They're in some trouble.

And finally, BlackBerry is replacing its CEOs, due to their incompetence. As part of their severance package, they've been given two weeks pay and as many of those stupid BlackBerry Playbooks as they can carry.

And that's the end for now. See you tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 19, 2012

It's Thursday! Let's enjoy some jokes!

Punk rock icon Johnny Ramone's autobiography is coming out this year and will inspire years of shitty knock-off autobiographies.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, facing a recall election this summer, said that the election is "all about union money." He then got back to work, giving a full body massage to the Koch brothers.

Goldman Sachs announced that their profits are down 58% from a year ago. In a related story, PEOPLE ARE STILL GIVING MONEY TO GOLDMAN SACHS!

A study of teenagers online found that more and more young people are sharing their online passwords as a sign of affection. Please, kids, be safe. Save your security questions for marriage. You can never get those back.

Speaking of staying safe, many in Los Angeles' porn industry may leave the city when new regulations go into effect requiring actors to wear condoms. And to Los Angeles, I say let them go. If the industry won't use condoms, it never loved you in the first place. In a related story, 18 year-old runaways hoping to make it in movies will now need to learn how to type.

Singer Sinead O'Connor is in treatment for depression, and we wish her the best of luck. One bit of advice to her doctors: don't let her listen to her albums. Any of them.

Newt Gingrich attacked President Obama as the "food stamp" President, saying "when I'm President, no one will be on food stamps!"

And finally, China will now require Internet users to verify their names before commenting on websites. The move is expected to cut down on government criticism as well as "general dickishness."

And that's all for me! Enjoy Spencer tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great weekend!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 16

And another week begins. Here's some jokes to get you by.

The Russian Phobos-Grunt space probe crashed back to Earth shortly after launch this week, indicating that the probe had probably been badmouthing Putin.

Newt Gingrich said this weekend that he will be releasing his tax returns, but not his match.com profile.

Elsewhere in the primary, John Huntsman is hinting that he will drop out of the race. This is a difficult announcement for the campaign to make, but mainly because everyone thinks he dropped out weeks ago.

In Chicago, a driver wearing only his underwear and socks was arrested for DUI after he struck a police car. The crash was featured on both Cops and What Not to Wear.

Egyptian poet laureate Mohamed El Baradei is dropping out of the Egyptian presidential race after finding out he was trailing John Huntsman.

Hulu.com announced a new slate of original programming set to premiere on the site this year. The programs will be available for streaming with commercials, or you can just pirate them.

The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers last night, wreaking utter havoc with the New York Giants' office pool.

And finally, HBO is catching some grief over their new Sarah Palin film. The company denies that there is any political agenda behind the film, that's they're just trying to make some money, to which Palin responded "Copycats!"

Okay, that's all! It's too cold to banter! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 29, 2011

Happy Thursday, y'all! This will be my last post of 2011, and I want to thank all 15 of you for reading this thing all year. I thought about just re-posting my favorite jokes, but that would mean re-reading all those posts, and who has time for that? So, here's my last eight jokes for the year.

The ghost of Christopher Hitchens briefly appeared last week to paranormal investigators before successfully arguing against its own existence and disappearing.

In North Korea, mourners crowded into the streets, wailing in grief as Kim Jong-il's body crossed the country. Apparently the mourners were so grief-stricken because they'd been told he was being buried with the last of their food.

According to an Associated Press survey of economists, most find President Obama's economic policies to be "fair to poor," not to be confused with being "fair to the poor."

This winter, gale force winds are battering Scotland, which is terrible news for the kilt industry. But great news for the chapped-ass moisturizer industry.

Los Angeles voters will be voting on an ordinance to force porn actors to wear condoms on set. Turnout is expected to be low, however, as no one really feels much on the issue.

According to Forbes, Plano, Texas, is the safest city in America largely because Plano is too boring for criminals.

Microsoft announced that its Windows Mobile operating system now has over 50,000 applications, although the number is actually much higher if you count viruses.

And finally, in a new ad, Newt Gingrich said that he has a plan to "create millions of jobs, right now." Yes, he's willing to buy that much new jewelry.

And that's the end of me for the year. Come back tomorrow for Spencer. Until next time, have a great 2011!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2011

Are you back at work, yet? Sucks for you, buddy. Here's some jokes to lighten the load.

BEGIN!

Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.

In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.

Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."

An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.

South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.

Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.

In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.

And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."

END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - December 26, 2011

Happy Monday! It's the last one of the year. That doesn't really mean anything, I guess. Oh well. Hopefully you're not working today, or if you are you're getting paid extra. And if you are working, I hope you're not working very hard or very well. Unless you're a cop or a doctor or working in Chinese restaurant, in which case you should know how much your country depends upon you. Okay. SEGUE TO JOKES!

Newt Gingrich is losing ground in Iowa ahead of the all-important Iowa caucus next month, with many voters saying that Gingrich is too arrogant for their taste. When asked by reporters for comment, Gingrich responded that this was an expected setback, due to the inherent stupidity of Iowa voters. He then tried to sell them all a copy of his book.

In other election news, the state of Texas has been paying for Gov. Perry's security detail during his presidential campaign. Texas voters are upset at the cost, but any sacrifice is worth it if gets him the hell out of Texas.

A recently published medical study argues that Ludwig Beethoven's hearing loss changed how he wrote music later in his life. The study was released in last month's edition of No Shit magazine.

Congratulations to Jordan Romero, who is now the youngest person in history to climb the highest mountains on all seven continents. Too bad everything is downhill from here. Literally and metaphorically.

In an attempt to close budget shortfalls, the Italian government is trying to increase the social stigma tied to tax evasion. Good luck, Italy. Your last Prime Minister is on trial for allegedly banging an underage hooker while in office, and he's almost beaten it. But I'm sure the tax dodger is really going to be the social pariah this year.

Speaking of pariah's, Donald Trump left the GOP this weekend. But don't worry, he's already found a younger, prettier political party to have sex with.

In China, a wealthy couple came under fire this month for having eight children, which is way more than one, which is the number Chinese couples are supposed to stop at. In their defense, though, many of the couple's children are girls, which don't count.

And finally, in a pre-Christmas miracle this weekend, a 21-year old college student in Arizona came out of a coma moments before doctors were scheduled to begin removing his organs for donation to other patients. Look for the video on an upcoming episode of Punk'd.

That's all for today. More later. Till then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - December 19, 2011

Happy Monday! Is anyone else having a wonderful winter? I'm thinking about getting some thermal longjohns. I think I should mention that I'm already engaged, so contain your fulminating desire that image conjures. Instead, think about these jokes. And how awesome a word "fulminating" is. Stick that in your "Words with Friends."

Unlikely serious presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said yesterday that as President he would arrest "activist judges" who he felt were out of line with mainstream America. This should serve as a warning not only to the judiciary, but also to any women who've dumped him in the past.

Following up on attacks from Romney, Bachmann and others, Gingrich said that his rivals' criticism of his record is "not based on facts," but instead based upon things Newt has said in the past. Not to be confused with facts.

NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.

A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.

Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."

A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.

Facing criticism for secretly gathering data on its users, Sprint said this weekend that the Carrier IQ snooping software has been disabled on its smartphone devices. AT&T went a step further, and disabled all smartphone functionality for its users.

And lastly, Kobe Bryant's wife filed for divorce, and this time the NBA commissioner did not block the trade. It's worth noting that Bryant and his wife never signed a prenuptial agreement, so there's no salary cap for this free agent! I don't understand sports.

That's all for now! See you tomorrow, friends.

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 15, 2011

Good morning, everyone! I've discovered through a hands-on test that my new Lenovo laptop is tougher than a bowl of Nissin Oriental Ramen Soup. Haven't tested other recipes, but so far the $300 computer has beaten the $0.39 soup packet. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way. Crossed fingers make it hard to type jokes, by the way, so I hope you laugh extra-hard at these.

Gary Busey rescinded his endorsement of presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, saying that Newt was going to have "work a lot harder" to keep Busey from endorsing him again. Meanwhile, Christine O'Donnell endorsed Mitt Romney, so this has been a good week for Ron Paul.

A recent study found that one in five women in the U.S.A. have been the victims of sexual assault. That number is horrifying, and we can't blame them all on Herman Cain.

Speaking of blame, The Jersey Shore was the most watched cable series in 2011. I don't have a joke here, just hoping to shame anyone who has been watching it. Shaaaaame.

Matthew McConaughey shaved his head this week. I guess he's taking his breakup with Kevin Federline tougher than we thought.

Speaking of single, on Ellen this week, Charlize Theron said she is "really enjoying" being single. No, really. Seriously. Why won't you believe that?!

Time Magazine named The Protester as it's Person of the Year. They would have singled out an individual protester, but the editors at Time think all poor people look alike.

The number of married couples in the U.S. is at an all time low, probably because more and more Americans are horrible people that no one can stand to be around. That would explain the high numbers for The Jersey Shore.

And finally, Barbara Walters revealed that the Kardashians and Donald Trump made her Most Fascinating List for 2011. Other top contenders for the list: A train wreck and a burning house.

And that's all for me this week. Thanks for reading! See you on Monday. Until then, enjoy Spencer's work tomorrow, and have a great weekend!