Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 9, 2011

Did anyone else think that the National Anthem was handled with greater care and respect at the Puppy Bowl than the Super Bowl? Well, how about some jokes?

Still reeling from a slew of negative reviews from theater critics, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark suffered another setback this week when it was featured in a new Groupon commercial. That's a tough break, which is also what happened to the limbs of several actors in the production.

In China, fireworks set off to celebrate Chinese New Year caused 194 fires in Beijing. No fatalities were reported, however, which is largely due to the repeated fire safety drills and evacuations encouraged by the Chinese government. Yes, that's a Chinese Fire Drill joke.

A recent study found that Facebook is replacing Craigslist as the go-to website for prostitution, which is good news for people who "LIKE" paying for sex with strangers.

In other Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg is being stalked on Facebook. At Myspace headquarters, Tom said "boy, I sure am glad I don't have that problem. Zucks to be you! That's funny, right," he asked to an empty room.

In Syria, the government lifted a recent ban on Facebook, which is great news for Syrian prostitutes. The previous ban, which also covered YouTube, had been in place for three years, meaning that Syrians have never seen Auto-Tune The News. We really do take our freedoms for granted.

In celebrity news, Pancho Villa's finger is for sale in Texas pawn shop. The owner of the pawn shop hopes that the notoriety from the finger will stir up business, because if there's one thing you want in your store, it's a bunch of people who are interested in buying old human body parts.

In old musician news, Eddie Van Halen donated his guitar to the Smithsonian. It will be on display alongside his original hip and David Lee Roth's dignity.

Lastly, the Mayor of Detroit nixed plans for a lifesize statue of RoboCop, saying that it would reinforce the idea that Detroit is violent and dangerous. Also reinforcing that idea: rampant violence in Detroit.

Alright, that's it. Thank your for your cooperation.

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