September 15, 2015: Good, Clean Fun (Unless You're a Refugee)

Over the weekend, Germany instituted stricter border controls to manage the influx of refugees from Austria. They had to bring out the riot police they normally keep in reserve for crowd control at David Hasslehoff concerts.

Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.

Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.

Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.

Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.

Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.

China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.

The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.

And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.

And on with the show.