Thursday Morning Monologue - June 2, 2011

Holla! Welcome to your Thursday, everyone. It's almost over! Can you taste it? I don't know what it is, but it's exciting, right? Hey, speaking of exciting, yesterday was National Running Day. Newt Gingrich celebrated by tripping himself. Does that even make sense? Oh, who cares.

Anyway.

Google announced yesterday that someone had hacked into Gmail, stealing the personal data of thousands of users. Obviously Google is upset about this. After all, they worked hard to steal that personal data in the first place! Doesn't seem fair.

Big news from the world of celebrities you can't remember why you know: Kim Kardashian will be changing her name after she marries her fiance, Kris Humphries. She actually picked out her own new name: SVETLANA KARDASHIAN. She may have been unclear as to how this thing works. But she'll get it figured out, because she's so traditional.

In entertainment on purpose news, Patrick Dempsey announced that he will be leaving Grey's Anatomy at the end of this season. Apparently he's worried about being typecast as the guy who stars in crappy shows.

You know what else? In a recent interview looking back over his life, British rocker Ozzy Osbourne said"I'm very blessed." At least that's what we think he said.

In politics, Sarah Palin spent a night in nearby Jersey City during her NYC visit, apparently trying to convince herself not to run for any office that would put her in charge of fixing places like Jersey City.

In other political news, Rep. Anthony Weiner has come under fire for allegedly emailing a picture of his own crotch to a woman over Twitter. That's unfortunate for a guy with his name. To head off the flood of cheap jokes, he has temporarily changed his name to Penis Weiner. Don't worry, he'll figure it out.

In health news, a study by the World Health Organization found evidence that cell phones are carcinogenic. Does that mean we can finally get them barred from clubs and restaurants? Is there such a thing as second hand brain cancer?

Speaking of brain cancer, protestors from the famed and insaned Westboro Baptist Church were kept out of Arlington National Cemetery this weekend by... the KKK. Who are we supposed to root for in that conflict? That's like the Mavericks and the Heat in the NBA finals! No matter who comes out on top, a jerk has won.

And lastly, Google is launching a new service called "+1," that is an "homage" to Facebook's "Like" button. It's bound to be ridiculously popular, so long as Google promotes it with Google Buzz. It's the voice of the new generation.

Okay, that's it! Spencer's here tomorrow, Earnest is here Sunday, and you're here EVERY DAY! So make it a great day.

And don't forget your sunblock!