Welcome back, friends. Did anyone else party too hard for Presidents' Day? And by "party," I do mean "Whig," if you know what I mean. And if you do, please tell me. I didn't actually get that.
Speaking of political parties and not getting it, Rick Santorum has been spreading himself pretty thin in Michigan, but polls show he's connecting with voters on a personal level. Romney, on the other hand, is doing really well with the automated car-building robots in Detroit. But you know robots are too lazy to vote.
In New York, Monaco's Prince Pierre Casiraghi was briefly hospitalized after a bar fight, when he was defeated by the Black Knight.
Astronaut and American hero Neil Armstrong gave a speech honoring John Glenn this weekend. Said Armstrong, "while it's not as cool as being the first man on the moon, it's still quite an accomplishment being the first man to orbit the Earth. What's that? Oh, he wasn't? It was some Russian guy? Oh, this is awkward." He then cut the tension by punching a waiter who said the moon landing was staged.
Disgraced former Senator John Ensign is back in Nevada, working as a veterinarian at a clinic he founded years ago. And in my mind, the clinic specializes exclusively in proctology for large, violent jungle cats. With incontinence.
In the Italian town of Ivrea, residents gathered this week for a massive orange fight before Lent. So take that, Rio. Looks like you've got some party competition this year.
In Washington, D.C., a community college is selling kits with all you need for Occupy-style protests. It's got everything but bail money.
Scientists discovered that soldier ants actually remember the scent of their enemies, sort of like Axe body spray.
And finallly, in Romania, the supreme court legally recognized Paul Hohenzollern as the legitimate heir to the Romanian throne, ending a 21 year legal battle and beginning a new battle with the Black Knight. Best of luck, Paul!
That's all. See you tomorrow!
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