Happy Wednesday! It's LENT! HIP-HIP-HOORAY FOR PENANCE! I hope you have a great Lent! What's the traditional Lent candy? Bits of Ash? Sounds great. Okay, joke it up.
Retail megalith Wal-Mart reported stronger profits than expected from the holiday season. Now if only they could convince us all to start buying presents for Lentsmas...
In other religious news, NATO apologized for inadvertently burning a bunch of copies of the Koran at a military base in Afghanistan. Wasn't that a plotline from Three's Company? In a related story, dozens of zombie corpses were neatly stacked on shelves in the base's library.
A group of marine biologists said this week that dolphins deserve human rights, derailing a planned undersea Foxconn factory.
Hilarious dictator Robert Mugabe denied recent reports that he has cancer, then joked that he's been resurrected more times than Jesus. He then went on to say he was bigger than The Beatles. But seriously, any reports that he has cancer are just wishful thinking. He's an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, Chris Brown just collaborated with Rihanna on a remix of one of his songs, "Turn Up The Music," although the full title of the remix is "Turn Up The Music (So The Neighbors Don't Hear You Screaming While I Beat You)." Catchy tune.
Congressman Joe Walsh came under fire this week for saying that the debate on birth control is not about women. He then also said that that "Hotel California" was totally about a woman.
Mormons baptized Anne Frank this weekend as an attempt to make the religion less weird and off-putting to strangers. Because people love Anne Frank, right?
And finally, reports are coming in that nuclear non-proliferation talks with Iran are failing. It may be time to bring in George W. Bush to begin parallel nucular negotiations.
And that's all. Later!
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