Thursday Morning Monologue - May 19, 2011

Uh, it's Thursday. I don't know what to say. Maybe something about boxer shorts and late 90s girl rock... we'll go with Dar Williams this time. I don't know. Kinda running out of words. Okay, let's just get to the jokes.

So, the ever classy Queen of England is visiting Ireland, for some reason, and stopped by the scene of the "Bloody Sunday" uprising to lay a wreath in memory of the people who were killed while trying to free themselves from her family. Class act, Mum. In addition to the Bloody Sunday trip, the Queen is planning to visit Joshua Tree and some place where the streets have no name. She refused, however, to see Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.

Speaking of dead horses I can't stop beating, former Senator Rick Santorum said this week that Senator John McCain, who was tortured for five years by Viet Cong interrogators, doesn't understand interrogation. That's just ridiculous. That would be like John McCain saying that Santorum doesn't understand shit.

Let's class it back up a bit, and talk about the Royal Wedding again. Because why not? So, there's an auction online to raise money for charity by selling off things the royals touched or wore at the wedding, because they are as gods among us, and we shall pray upon their relics. Bidding has been brisk, and in fact the hat that Princess Beatrice wore, the one that looks like a weirdly comfortable toilet seat, is up to $30,000. So, you can pay thirty grand for the original, or you can buy a cheap knock off this summer... in the bathroom fixtures section of Home Depot.

In other auction news, an auction started this week to sell off all the Unabomber's old stuff to raise money for his victims and their families. And just to piss him off even further, the auction is only online.

Do you like art? Do you love it? Do you love it? Hmm? Well, a new study shows that looking at art gives people the same pleasure as being in love. Incidentally, this study was conducted by the Spinster Institute: "leading the charge on love-replacement technology." So now, you can safely say that if someone doesn't get modern art, they're probably no good in bed. Is that right? I'm not a doctor.

Speaking of doctors, the CDC offered tips this week on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good to know they've got that whole heart-disease-diabetes-AIDS-cancer-tuberculosis-other-cancer-herpes thing taken care of, so now they can protect us from make-believe diseases. Hey, maybe next week they'll issue tips on how to survive boogie fever. I think it's going around.

Speaking of going around, Saif al-Adel was the last to say "not it" and is now the interim leader of Al Qaeda. Might want to start your exit strategy now, Saif. The notorious organization of international bastards is having trouble finding a new leader, for some reason, and they're not getting any good hits off their Monster.com job posting. Perhaps they should remove the "70 virgins" bit from the compensation package. It makes them sound desperate...

Lastly, producers of the new The Great Gatsby film found a replacement for Ben Affleck. This is good news, of course, but they did have a backup plan: film the rest of his scenes with a sack of potatoes, and see if anyone notices. Oh, is that not fair? You watch The Town and tell me if half of those scenes wouldn't have been better off with 30 pounds of Idaho Russets instead.

Hmm. Potatoes sound good. Have you had a potato today? You go have one, unless you're allergic or avoiding carbs, and come see us again tomorrow. Spencer and Earnest will be joking it up, and I'll be back on Monday. Just you wait. You'll see!

Until then, have a great day!